Dd getting engaged. Need advice

amother

Brass

Sat, Dec 23 2023, 9:50 pm

amother Azalea wrote:

Paid cost price from tiferes devorah lkallah- didn’t get for free.
We’re a big family of girls and woman. I completely agree that this was something we splurged on

Just seems interesting to be taking tzedakah funds when you're paying 1500 per gown.

amother

Garnet

Sat, Dec 23 2023, 10:07 pm

amother Brass wrote:

Just seems interesting to be taking tzedakah funds when you're paying 1500 per gown.

I never heard of these organizations and am actually trying to wrap my head around this.

Me and my siblings who got married recently got gowns all under 500 each from gemachs , and did not get furniture sets. Got headboards from wayfair, couches and shelves from ikea , and a table and chairs from Walmart.com. For the record, we are totally in town ‘in the box’ bais yaakov type.

I am actually in shock to hear what is going on elsewhere - people being married off with 8-10k worth of furniture is a luxury!!!! Has it become a necessity that whoever can’t afford that can reach out and receive it? I’d love to hear more and understand better.

amother

Forsythia

Sat, Dec 23 2023, 10:24 pm

amother Azalea wrote:

Hi! I got married 2 years ago and here’s the prices I remember:

Shaitels: $2200 each (standard color, a few inches past the shoulder, lace front). I paid for my fall myself.

Gifts for chassan: watch: $1500, tallis set:$1000, menorah: I think about a $1000 Becher: $1000.

Kallah classes: $1500
Shadchan: $1500

Lchaim + vort: both were in the house. I don’t how much was spent but the general was 3 pans of chicken, 3 large seigelmans/kayx cakes, about 4 dozen miniatures, salads , got centerpieces and lucite trays from a gemach

Kallah gown: $2500

Other gowns: $1500 each
Makeup and hair: came out to about 4k for both

Furniture set: $10k definitely reach out to chasdei chashie lkallah. They can either subsidize or give a couch and dinette set at cost price

Housewares: got a lot from tiferes devorah lkallah for cost price. Got shabbos dishes by trading in vort gifts. Got bosch and other things from Costco or on sale.

Stocking the apartment with food: $1000 (not everyone pays for this)

Only got 1 or 2 shabbos outfits because I had a lot from dating. Spent a nice amount on lingerie, tights weekday clothes etc.

Takana for girl side: about $18000 I think but definitely varies based on halls

There were definitely some things that my parents splurged on. You could get beautiful gowns from gemachs and use more regular priced makeup and hair.

This post doesn't make any sense. If those prices are true, I don't think they reflect the regular yeshivish norms in lakewood.
(BTW even if you decide to stock up appartment with food I cannot imagine that it would cost $1000 for a couple!)

amother

Hosta

Sat, Dec 23 2023, 10:28 pm

UQT wrote:

Our takana wedding in the cheder was 12500. Maybe it was $750 Kallah classes. You also need to pay for vort and shabbos Sheva brochos. And gowns for everyone. The expenses keep piling up. I would say $65k if you don’t get any help at all. The organizations can save you 10s of thousands of dollars.

$65K from both sides or yours? $12,500 for the takana hall from your side?

amother

Scarlet

Sat, Dec 23 2023, 10:45 pm

amother Forsythia wrote:

I got married a little over a year ago and food order was about that. Prices have also skyrocketed since then. And no I didn't by truffles and fancy stuff just basics like spices and other pantry items. Can't Believe It

UQT

Sat, Dec 23 2023, 10:48 pm

amother Hosta wrote:

$65K from both sides or yours? $12,500 for the takana hall from your side?

The Kallah side pays way more. They are ones the stocking the apartment, buying furniture etc. the chosson side is probably half around 30k- and that’s if he pays for part of the car.
I just doubled check. It was $12k but two years ago. Cheder hall. The chosson paid $6100

amother

Candycane

Sat, Dec 23 2023, 10:52 pm

I did get an expensive furniture package.. would not recommend.
Bh I am happy with mine and grateful for what I was given I just don't think it's worth the money for most couples living in small apartments..
Also I saw someone mention an ali shaitel. I would avoid that. To a certain extent with wigs, you get what you pay for and it will probably need to be replaced with 1 to 3 years.. speaking of personal experience... I don't think it's cheaper in the long run

Dolly Welsh

Sat, Dec 23 2023, 10:54 pm

I put in a good word for synthetic hair sheitels.

I love mine.

They don't cost that much, you don't have to think you are wearing an expensive work of art on your head, you don't care if it rains, you wash it yourself in the sink, you have a few exactly the same, they keep their set automatically. Yes they fit. You can make them fit. If one is tight, I just cut it inside and then it's looser.

They don't need a wig cap indoors. Outdoors, yes.

No, don't trim them. You can, but it's probably better to just get another one and put that one aside. Your taste changes and a year from now you might like it.

Don't judge it until it has been washed once. In special synthetic-wig shampoo only. Cold water. Press in a towel. Air dry overnight on an open wig stand. In a baking pan to catch any drips.

Many are very natural looking.

amother

Lilac

Sun, Dec 24 2023, 12:10 am

Yea.... We are a very spiritual growing community, focused on Torah and not distracted by materialism..... But make sure that the chosson gets a fancy watch, a menorah, a becher..... Keep adding to the list of what you "owe" the young chosson who you'll probably be supporting for 5+ years after marriage.... Why does he deserve all these arbitrary mandated "gifts"- cuz he "agreed" to marry your daughter? LOL. Wow.... Yeah, definitely ply him with lots of excessive gifts that, since they are required, are not special at all. So.... Hmmmm. Really makes our community look good. LOL. Uh huh. Major kiruv krovim going on here. I'm feeling super proud. 🙄 Honestly.... Am I Jewish, you guys? Should I double check my heritage cuz apparently it seems I'm Jewish and like I can trace it really far back, so idk.... But I'm like a fish out of water.

amother

Hibiscus

Sun, Dec 24 2023, 12:17 am

amother Lilac wrote:

Yea.... We are a very spiritual growing community, focused on Torah and not distracted by materialism..... But make sure that the chosson gets a fancy watch, a menorah, a becher..... Keep adding to the list of what you "owe" the young chosson who you'll probably be supporting for 5+ years after marriage.... Why does he deserve all these arbitrary mandated "gifts", cuz he "agreed" to marry your daughter? Yeah, okay. Really makes our community look good. LOL. 🙄 Am I Jewish, you guys? Should I double check my heritage cuz apparently it seems I'm Jewish and like I can trace it really far back, so idk.... But I'm like a fish out of water.

I don't know...I didn't marry a BMG guy and I don't live in Lakewood, but I have BMG brothers who did, and not only didn't they get a chosson watch (I believe at least one of them was offered one, and he said no) or shas or most of the gifts listed here, our parents/their in-laws did not buy them furniture or stock up their apartments. That's what they used their wedding money for--setting up their their apartments. And neither side provided them with a car. My sisters-in-law bought with money from their jobs prior to getting married. I am sure there are plenty more young couples like this.

amother

NeonYellow

Sun, Dec 24 2023, 12:20 am

amother Navyblue wrote:

Not to hijack but Can I just say my oldest is a girl in high school and these prices are terrifying me lol. I didnt get half of this stuff when I got married Sad

I got married ten years ago

I got a ring, earrings, a necklace, and a $600 watch.

I got dh a Tallis bag, a shas, a watch.

That’s it.

He’s from a mega wealthy (but not yeshivish) family. I’m from a poorish yeshivish family. We both aren’t spoiled.

We didn’t get furniture. We bought a $100 couch at ikea, used secondhand table and chairs (in ugly condition) for a few years till we saved up and decided what we wanted to buy. Comfortable beds but no bedroom furniture. (We ended up buying a house and doing build in closets so I’m glad we didn’t waste money on that.)

My gown was $700, my siblings was $300 each approx.

My sibling got married 2 years ago and my gown (that I paid for on my own) was $800, and I bought it so that I can wear to future simchos.

The prices and items being listed here are not the norm… or even if they are the norm you can look for families similar to yours

amother

Navyblue

Sun, Dec 24 2023, 12:25 am

amother NeonYellow wrote:

Thank your for letting me know there is hope!

amother

Mintgreen

Sun, Dec 24 2023, 12:31 am

amother Blue wrote:

Just putting this out there-
We didn't get married with a bedroom or dinette set because I had no clue what I liked and also had no space to fit a huge set in my little apartment
Instead we got headboards from Churchill, a dresser + mirror + nightstand from raymore and Flanigan, and a table from wayfair. I got chairs from somewhere else and hate them, so happy they weren't expensive because now I can replace them with something nice and I know what I like, and I don't feel bad about wasted $$$

When we move out if our apt we'll probably make the current bedroom 'set' into a kids room and get a nice master set. We bought with that as the plan so it's a gender neutral, pareve kind of set

All in all it was waaaay less then the 8k posted above
Table was 800, chairs were 120x8
Headboards were 250, and the furniture was I think 2500?
Oh and we got a couch at Churchill too, I think it was 900 or so

Reg lakewood bmg couple

To add to this.. I’m from oot simple family and it was fully on me to furnish my apt( with help from an organization) but I paid for my own table (Amazon) chairs(Walmart) couch ($150 from a warehouse sale)
Beds we got from an organization and kitchen stuff. But 8k is outrageous. Not everyone gets ‘sets’. Guess what I’m happily married and I still have 3 out of my 4 $25 chairs from Walmart from a good few years ago!!

amother

Hosta

Sun, Dec 24 2023, 12:32 am

UQT wrote:

Sorry, I'm confused. Did the chosson's side pay 30K and yours - 65K? Or it was 65K total, but not 50/50?

amother

Mintgreen

Sun, Dec 24 2023, 12:33 am

amother Mintgreen wrote:

We got one dresser from a thrift store
My baby’s crib and dresser was being given away
Welcome to the low/ middle class reality