Constant comparing

amother

Wed, Jan 10 2024, 5:23 am

My 6 year old is constantly comparing. I have more you have less, mine is better, bigger etc.
He will drive me insane until I tell him yes you got more milk, then my little one will start tantrum that she also wants more.
He teases other kids that his is more, better and bigger etc.
Need advice how to approach this.
Thank you

imasinger

Wed, Jan 10 2024, 5:51 am

It's an opportunity for chinuch.

There are children's books that address this. Maybe go to a Jewish bookstore and buy a good one for you?

amother

Wed, Jan 10 2024, 5:54 am

imasinger wrote:

It's an opportunity for chinuch.

There are children's books that address this. Maybe go to a Jewish bookstore and buy a good one for you?

Any recommendations?

amother

DarkRed

Wed, Jan 10 2024, 6:29 am

I learned this from someone:

Teach them the language of Shalom. Example: We say "also" is a shalom word. Like if he goes ha my piece is bigger. So I would tell him Let's say "your piece is also big." Her piece is big and your piece is also big, so you both feel good. It takes a while, but it cuts down on the comparison because you soothe the other child's feelings by acknowledging that it wasn't nice, but you bring up the comparer because he gets praise for being re-directed to use a shalom word.

amother

Wed, Jan 10 2024, 7:12 am

oneofakind wrote:

Make sure he has quality time with you to build his self esteem so it doesn't have to come from comparisons.

B’h I can say we do that plenty.

BH Yom Yom

Wed, Jan 10 2024, 7:13 am

amother DarkRed wrote:

I love this idea.

amother

Canary

Wed, Jan 10 2024, 7:17 am

We literally start singing "Yanky got a bigger piece of cake than me" from marvelous midos machine and then talk how we should only look at our portion and not what others have.

It works most of the time because we've been doing it so long.

myname1

Wed, Jan 10 2024, 8:14 am

I have a great Hebrew book called something like "The Trip to the Pink House." It's about a toy maker who made a train and is looking for friends for it. On the way to the Pink House he meets all sorts of people with terrible middos and says they're not the right friends for his train. Two of the people are the "yoterterim." They say something like "My bike is faster and I ride better and I'm the best." Something to that effect. I can't think of anything similar in English though.

Lovable

Wed, Jan 10 2024, 8:31 am

[quote="amother OP"]I hear th
The singing is not to quiet them
It is to teach a lesson through song rather than plain words
I do this with my toddler all the time!

myname1

Wed, Jan 10 2024, 8:54 am

amother OP wrote:

I hear the part of singing but I rather help my child with the core then quieting him down.

Are you familiar with the Marvelous Middos Machine? There's little skits of kids showing poor middos and then the middos machine plays a song to help them correct it. So it sounds like "Yanky got a bigger piece of cake than me" is part of a song teaching the child comparing him/herself to Yanky that that's not the correct way to behave. If someone's kids are familiar enough with the song, being reminded of it can help the child notice and correct their own poor behavior. I really like both that idea (wish my kids knew it better, I'll have to play it more) and the one about the shalom language.

AlwaysGrateful

Wed, Jan 10 2024, 8:57 am

[quote="Lovable"]

amother OP wrote:

I hear th
The singing is not to quiet them
It is to teach a lesson through song rather than plain words
I do this with my toddler all the time!

Yes, this. Especially if you play the song for them beforehand and have a discussion about what it means. Talk about how comparing makes people feel, and why it's much better middos to just focus on what you have and not on what other people have.

And then later on you jog their memory with the song. It's much better than giving them a lecture right then to remind them of it. Little kids are often much more open to messages when they're part of a song...

amother

Cerise

Wed, Jan 10 2024, 10:16 am

I get OP. Songs from the marvelous middos machine may make kids stop voicing their comparisons, but it won't make them stop thinking it and feeling distressed by perceived lack of equality.

amother

Wed, Jan 10 2024, 10:34 am

amother Cerise wrote:

I get OP. Songs from the marvelous middos machine may make kids stop voicing their comparisons, but it won't make them stop thinking it and feeling distressed by perceived lack of equality.

Thank you. You’ve said it.
The song is nice to hear and make then aware.
I really should have a talk with DS why he feels the need to always compare

myname1

Wed, Jan 10 2024, 10:46 am

amother OP wrote:

Thank you. You’ve said it.
The song is nice to hear and make then aware.
I really should have a talk with DS why he feels the need to always compare

I hear. Anyway the song addresses the opposite issue- I just listened to it now with my kids. It's about being jealous of someone else having more, not about teasing others that he has more.

OP, speaking with your son about why he's comparing is a great idea. And discussing why sometimes he has more (he's older, they'll spill, whatever) and how others feel when he points it out. And stressing that everyone gets different things because everyone needs different things and better not to compare for the good or the bad. I think those who use the songs first discuss it, and then use the songs just as a reminder. It definitely wouldn't be a substitute for discussion.

amother

Wed, Jan 10 2024, 10:50 am

So I think you Imas have helped me figure out what I really need. I need ideas how to raise his self esteem he should know he is special no matter what and he doesn’t have to always have the greatest and best.
So how do we do this?
I constantly have quality time with him and every night when he goes to sleep I tell him how special he is…
How can I make him truly know it and feel that way?

oneofakind

Wed, Jan 10 2024, 11:03 am

instead of how special he is, talk about specific things he did and what that shows about him. You were so patient when you showed your younger brother how to play with the toy. So generous when you shared your snack, so perisistant when you didn't give up.