How can I help her? (Meltdowns)

amother

Sun, Jan 14 2024, 7:07 am

My 3 year old has meltdowns that she loses herself in. She just says no to everything, kicks and screams and pulls at her hair or hits herself. She does not want to be touched or held at all.
Things I've tried:
Holding her
Hugging her
Using empathy
Reassuring her calmly
Distracting her (which sometimes works but not a direct distraction and not for a while as it is running it's course).
What can I do to help her emotionally regulate and not lose herself? She has strong social emotional skills when she is calm, she understands her feelings, can name them, ask for help etc. but once a meltdown begins it's all out the window.
Looking for practical suggestions of what to do.

Not looking for a diagnosis, evaluation, pandas, send her to therapy responses.

imasinger

Sun, Jan 14 2024, 7:38 am

Meltdowns happen. Once they start, there's not much anyone can do until a person is back in control. Give her some time, and a safe space. As you have seen, trying to engage rationality at that time doesn't work.

You can and should look to see when the meltdowns happen most. Hunger or tiredness are two common (and easily fixable) causes. For instance, one could make sure not take her on an errand later in the day, or too close to a mealtime.

An ounce of prevention is good. Otherwise, don't worry so much, certainly not in the moment. She'll likely gain better emotional regulation as she matures.

amother

Eggplant

Sun, Jan 14 2024, 8:34 am

I know you said you are not looking for therapy/diagnosis responses but I want to point out that pulling her hair and hitting herself is generally not considered to be a normal reaction during even the most severe of meltdowns without something underlying going on.

Frumwithallergies

Sun, Jan 14 2024, 9:05 am

I came here to say prevention is key but ImaSinger beat me to it.
Prevent hunger and keep on top of naps and sleep at that age.

Once a tantrum meltdown has begun, let it run its course. It will end. This too shall pass.

amother

Dandelion

Sun, Jan 14 2024, 9:11 am

Once you reach the point of no return, you have to just make sure she's safe and let it run its course. I've been able to head off some meltdowns in the early stages by getting down and just asking calmly what they're upset about/what we can do to help. Doesn't always work if there isn't an easy solution.

amother

Sun, Jan 14 2024, 9:15 am

amother Eggplant wrote:

Ok I'll bite. What kind of diagnosis/therapy would I be looking at?

amother

Sand

Sun, Jan 14 2024, 9:22 am

Also came to say prevention is key. See if you can figure out her triggers. But once the meltdown has happened, what I find most helpful for emotional regulation is calmly verbalising what's happening. Very calmly describe to her what she's feeling and what happened. You will help her find the words to be able to express how she's feeling instead having to tantrum it (for the next time she feels like this, it will take some time and you may have to repeat each time until it works), plus also it will help her feel validated and that will also help calm her down.

amother

Sun, Jan 14 2024, 9:25 am

It happens when she doesn't get what she wants or is upset about something. This is not a pattern of her tantruming and then getting what she wants, she's just having a meltdown triggered by that. She doesn't "magically" stop if offered what she wants.
I don't notice that she's tired or hungry at the times.

amother

Sun, Jan 14 2024, 9:26 am

amother Sand wrote:

Talking to her seems to escalate it. Not that she can even hear me.

amother

Sand

Sun, Jan 14 2024, 9:38 am

amother OP wrote:

Talking to her seems to escalate it. Not that she can even hear me.

What are you saying to her?

I guess you're trying to use logic to talk to her. That won't work and will make it worse. Look up right brain talking. You need to be talking to her right brain, which is all about feelings and empathy. Not about logic and language. So if she's anger about not getting something, you would say to her, in a very calm voice, you're really angry because you really want x. It's as simple as that. And she might respond, no I'm angry because y, so you'll repeat, right you're really angry because you want y. Keep repeating until she feels you've understood how she's feeling. How angry she is.

imasinger

Sun, Jan 14 2024, 9:54 am

The key is going to be figuring out what is going on. Try for a week to write down everything that happened during a meltdown day, particularly in the hour or so before the meltdown.

What you want to figure out is this. Sometimes, she doesn't get her way, and can roll with it. Sometimes, she can't. Why? What's different?

amother

Eggplant

Sun, Jan 14 2024, 10:07 am

amother OP wrote:

Ok I'll bite. What kind of diagnosis/therapy would I be looking at?

I'm not qualified enough to say one way or another. But I've been teaching this age for many many years and generally the ones who have those severe reactions while tantruming end up with something else underlying. I've seen ADHD, sensory seeking, spectrum, etc. Won't hurt to look into it.

amother

Sun, Jan 14 2024, 10:27 am

amother Eggplant wrote:

I hear this as something to note for the future, why is it relevant now?
Is there a specific way I would help her with this if there was a diagnosis?

amother

Sun, Jan 14 2024, 10:29 am

amother Sand wrote:

Actually you're wrong, note that in the OP, empathizing was on the list of things I've tried. I'm not talking logic, I'm doing exactly what you are saying and she is just continuing to freak out. She starts saying no angry, no, no, no talking etc. If I reach out to hold her or touch her she says no hands, no, no Mommy.

amother

Eggplant

Sun, Jan 14 2024, 10:39 am

amother OP wrote:

I hear this as something to note for the future, why is it relevant now?
Is there a specific way I would help her with this if there was a diagnosis?

sensory seeking and spectrum is definitely sonething can be diagnosed at this age, and the earlier a diagnosis is given, the better chance of helping her through it.

ADHD is generally not diagnosed until 5 officially, but there have been cases of earlier diagnosis, especially if there is a history in the family. Either way, if a psychologist were to tell you that you are looking at a possible ADHD diagnosis down the line, you can still get great guidance and learn how to apply super helpful techniques and coping methods to help her.

amother

Jetblack

Sun, Jan 14 2024, 11:11 am

Bach rescue remedy
Ice cold water where she can take it herself
Ice on her neck or in her palm
(Ice activates the parasympathetic nervous system)
Homeopathy
Bioray calm, happy and tummy
Epsom salt and magnesium flakes footsoaks
Read "whole brain child"

amother

Sand

Sun, Jan 14 2024, 11:14 am

amother OP wrote:

Sorry. So what do you next, after she says no no Mommy?

amother

Daphne

Sun, Jan 14 2024, 11:19 am

Try and project that it's ok to tantrum, it's okay to feel, it's okay to scream. Try not to let it get to you. It sounds like she is very sensitive and probably feels that you're getting stressed so she gets more stressed. Try and stay calm and focused and project calm. You'll find she calms down quicker.

mushkamothers

Sun, Jan 14 2024, 11:20 am

A tantrum isn't the same as a meltdown. A tantrum is generally when a kid starts misbehaving on purpose in order to get what they want. Or not on purpose to manipulate, but they lose themselves because they can't regulate the disappointment of hearing no. This is when you validate, empathize and help them ride the wave of emotion.

A meltdown is sensory overload and there's no talking through it. You kind of have to step back and let it ride its course. Or intervene very physically, if you even can, like moving them, holding tight.

Too many of these - too much too intense too often- is when you'd look into evaluating for adhd or sensory processing disorder or anything spectrum. At the very least to get OT services.

For both, being proactive with food, sleep, water, etc both helps. But they look different and feel different and have different root causes.