Honored at Dinner -BIL and SIL not coming

amother

Wed, Feb 07 2024, 9:32 pm

I’ll start by saying - I hate that I care so much!
I am receiving an honor at a dinner - invited our parents and siblings.
One of DH brother told him that they cannot make it because they will be away for the weekend at a Shabbaton.
Why am I upset ? Why do I care?
( it’s about a 45 minute drive between locations)
I think I care because I’m nervous that this SIL feels that I snub her. She is a very in your face kind of personality who says things that are irritating/offensive , and yes, I do try not to engage with her very much.
Upsetting a bit ( or more than a bit) that they didn’t let me personally know. That would have been the kinder, classier thing to do. Instead, BIL said to my DH . We won’t be able to make it since I can’t leave the Shabbaton to be there.
Then again, am I just blaming myself? Maybe it goes along with their slightly off ways ?!
My DH family prides itself on really being there for each other , blah blah

I guess I should just reach out to sil ( and bil?) and just say : sorry you can’t make it, you will be missed”

amother

Cyclamen

Wed, Feb 07 2024, 9:36 pm

I didn't know that this occasion is something everyone in the family must show up for.....
It's a very reasonable excuse that they don't want to leave a shabboton to attend. I don't think it's something against you personally.

amother

Gardenia

Wed, Feb 07 2024, 9:36 pm

It’s ok to be upset. But try to let it go.

To give the other side-DH hates dinners. He has a whole shita against it, it’s selling kavod blah blah blah. I don’t think he’s ever been to one since we were married. He comes from a wealthy family and his parents and siblings are honored often. Every time it’s a whole “thing” and I feel awful that we don’t go. I know they always feel bad too. But there’s nothing I can do, DH feels very strongly about this.

amother

Lavender

Wed, Feb 07 2024, 9:38 pm

I think your overthinking this. Her missing it doesn't mean she's upset at you nor do I think it's so off that they're missing it. It's not like they don't have a valid excuse.

amother

Wed, Feb 07 2024, 9:38 pm

amother Cyclamen wrote:

Thank you for that perspective!
I guess to me it is an organization that I have been with for years and it means a lot to me - but I appreciate hearing the other side.
Should I reach out ( given the weird dynamic between us ) and say sorry you can’t make it - enjoy the Shabbaton

amother

Purple

Wed, Feb 07 2024, 9:39 pm

amother OP wrote:

You can!

amother

Lavender

Wed, Feb 07 2024, 9:41 pm

amother OP wrote:

If it means that much to you that she won't be there, why not?

amother

Molasses

Wed, Feb 07 2024, 9:43 pm

My sil was honored at a dinner and I honestly didn't think I had to/ should go. I did end up coming halfway through but like it's not your simcha and I'm not becoming a donor so why should I attend

amother

Canary

Wed, Feb 07 2024, 9:57 pm

amother Charcoal wrote:

Usually one is honored at a dinner so that the organization can fundraise to a varied audience.

It’s not a personal milestone

This. I went to a dinner recently and most of the honourees married children weren’t there. I asked one of them after and she said her parents discouraged them from coming. The point was to being in donations which has nothing to do with the kids and having extra bodies at the dinner wasn’t as meaningful.

amother

Outerspace

Wed, Feb 07 2024, 10:41 pm

I don’t think of being honored at a dinner, as a simcha. If I were in your sil’s position I wouldn’t go either and frankly I wouldn’t see it as a big deal. I’m not super close with many of my SILs. If it were an sil I’m close with them that’s different.

amother

Cyclamen

Wed, Feb 07 2024, 10:43 pm

amother Steelblue wrote:

When dh and I were honored mil chose to go to her nephews wedding instead even though her son was speaking!

Now that was painful!

I don't think it's reasonable to expect her to miss a family wedding for this! A dinner is not a simcha.

zaq

Wed, Feb 07 2024, 11:48 pm

amother Steelblue wrote:

When dh and I were honored mil chose to go to her nephews wedding instead even though her son was speaking!

Now that was painful!

Sorry you were pained but I cannot sympathize. How would you feel if your aunt skipped your wedding because her son was being honored at a fundraising dinner?

Getting married is a religious ceremony and for most people a once in a lifetime event. Being honored at a dinner has no religious significance, attending has no mitzvah associated with it aside from giving tzedakah, which can be done remotely and doesn't require attending the dinner, and being honored is not necessarily a once in a lifetime event.

I believe your mil has her priorities straight.

amother

Khaki

Thu, Feb 08 2024, 12:09 am

30 years ago being honored meant you made it. You were a somebody. At least the honorees thought so. Today, at least in Lakewood it is considered a chore and obligation, since everyone seems to have figured out that they are actually honoring Benjamin Franklin, not the supposed honorees. I would not ask siblings to come unless the organization specifically needed it.

notshanarishona

Thu, Feb 08 2024, 12:16 am

I think you are overreacting, a bit too emotional . It’s not comparable to missing a wedding or even a bris. It’s a far drive, presumably expensive, and they have a scheduling conflict, not like they are intentionally not considering it. Also, I wouldn’t think twice about if my husband would tell someone vs me if I couldn’t come. It doesn’t have to be symbolic of anything in your relationship.

notshanarishona

Thu, Feb 08 2024, 12:17 am

amother Steelblue wrote:

When dh and I were honored mil chose to go to her nephews wedding instead even though her son was speaking!

Now that was painful!

I personally would choose a wedding over a dinner. A nephew is a close relative, and it’s once in a lifetime experience. A speech can be recorded.

amother

Red

Thu, Feb 08 2024, 12:32 am

My personal opinion- being honored at a dinner is the oddest and dumbest things in our society. The person being "honored" is not actually being honored. It's just a strategy, Who could we "honor" this year who will bring in the most money? It means nothing. I would not care if family wouldn't come to a dinner I was being honored at. But then, I never was and most likely never will be honored.