What do you think if this social issue

amother

Thu, Feb 22 2024, 7:26 pm

DD is 9. She is BH a delightful, capable, great kid.
She's very popular amongst her peers and has a presence and is very well liked.
But, she has an issue where she many times can put her foot in her mouth. she might say mean things unintentionally. and can be a bit chutzpadik, again not intentionally. Many times she does not think before she speaks.
Her teacher last year did mention this once at PTA. but not as a major issue. just something that I should try coaching her on a bit.
I've never actually seen it play out when she plays one on one with friends. She can do this with her siblings sometimes and even speak a certain way to me so I do know the issue is there. I just dont' know to what extreme.
her current teacher just called me about this issue. This is the first I'm hearing about it (good 6 months into the school year). She told me point blank that this is a big issue for a child her age and she must go see a therapist asap to take care of it.

I thought that was extreme. jumping the gun. no one ever brought this up to me (aside for last year teacher mentioning in passing at PTA as it sometimes being an issue)

Can I get opinion on this? I feel like its part of her personality. Obviously, it something I will actively work on with her and encourage her about. role play, give examples, reward etc. do you think this warrants immediately taking her to see someone?

I don't have the money or time for this. obviously I'll do what needs to be done. but I feel like we are jumping here. I have a call with the principal for Monday but I'd like to be prepared.

effess

Thu, Feb 22 2024, 7:35 pm

Teacher sounds like she’s an ima on this site who the solution for any dilemma is therapy.
Thank the teacher for her input. (Wondering why such a big issue took six months to bring up…)
Do what you were planning to do and see if you see results.
It’s also good to have a more experienced educator to talk to.

Last edited by effess on Thu, Feb 22 2024, 7:35 pm; edited 1 time in total

amother

Thu, Feb 22 2024, 7:35 pm

I've definitely been hands off. She's my oldest. I know its an issue but no teacher, tutor, principal has ever made a deal about this before my phone call today. So all I've been doing if I see her acting mean to her siblings, or not talking nicely to me or DH is to correct her in the moment and explain to her later on what she should have done.
I figured its something that will mature with time.

amother

Thu, Feb 22 2024, 7:36 pm

effess wrote:

lol. This is what DH responded to me when I told him about my phone convo with the teacher. This exactly Smile

amother

Lightyellow

Thu, Feb 22 2024, 7:36 pm

amother OP wrote:

It probably will mature with time, but you may need to speak with her now too.

amother

Thu, Feb 22 2024, 7:43 pm

amother Rainbow wrote:

Just wondering what you daughter said that prompted the phone call. Did she say something outrageous in class that caused the teacher to think your daughter needs to speak to someone. I guess I'm thinking why now, 6 months into the school year..

PTA is coming up so the teacher is doing her report cards with the principal and discuss each students progress.

amother

Mint

Thu, Feb 22 2024, 7:47 pm

Is she blurring things out in class? Is she being chutvadig to her teacher? Or is it a social issue? I know a kid that among her friend it's seems part of her personality. She's outgoing popular, bubbly,come across as curious with her questions to her peers not necessarily hurtful and can even keep secrets when she's told not to tell. But in class she asks inappropriate questions at the wrong time. Is your daughter a 4th grader? At 4th grade the teacher will tell the kids in a kind way whats not appropriate. That in itself is not such a red flag( you'll be surprised what adult topics certain families find perfectly acceptable to talk with their children about) but if she can't keep her comments to herself after the teacher repeatedly told her, not to call out, put down her hand, topic is not appropriate in the school setting I would take the teacher seriously. Maybe they could get a behavior coach involved.

amother

Pansy

Thu, Feb 22 2024, 7:50 pm

Also worth considering that maybe the behavior has changed or drastically increased recently. I sometimes have this with students, where all of a sudden personalities that they exhibit all of a sudden intensify. Sometimes we figure out a root cause (friendship trouble, perceived social threats, argument with a teacher, bullying, sleep issues, eyesight, other health conditions, home situations etc.) and sometimes we don’t. When we don’t, it frequently resolved in its own in a few weeks anyway. I would say talk to the teacher about anything that might be happening.

Also, as much as teachers try not to take things personally, it’s possible that your child said something that for some unpredictable reason really triggered the teacher.

Regardless, a teacher should not be suggesting therapy.

amother

Lightcoral

Thu, Feb 22 2024, 7:56 pm

amother Pansy wrote:

Why not? OP look into social skills therapy.

amother

Thu, Feb 22 2024, 7:58 pm

amother Mint wrote:

I don't think she ever asks any questions that are out of line.

My understanding is that she can sometimes come across as tough and say a not nice comment. for example DD told me the other day that her seatmate constantly plays with her hair and sheds her hair all over DD desk. the other day it was out of hand so DD said something to her like 'you know its gross that you do that' In a bit of a condescending way. She really doesn't mean to be nasty. to her, its like she's telling her the obvious. I explained to her that even though she may be right that its disgusting to have someone elses hair all over your desk, she can't talk that way and we had her think of a nicer way to say it for next time. This is a bit of what I perceive the issue to be. I did not ask the teacher for example because she right away went straight to the therapy thing and it totally turned me off. I figured I'd speak to the principal who hopefully is a better person to talk to about this.

amother

Mint

Thu, Feb 22 2024, 8:40 pm

Op something seems off. It seems like the teacher sees a problem she can't pinpoint so she's suggesting therapy. Kids are very good mimickers make sure in her home situation she's not being put down or bullied. Definitely role play amd set a good example nobody should be passive aggresive towards her. Help her use the kindest words possible when someone annoys her.
I love my kids but I dint always take what they say at face value. she's young enough that if she has a good friend I would ask the mother to ask her daughter about the friendship. Sometimes the kid comes across as bossy etc it really rui s friends and doesn't go away on its own.

Speak to the principal and please come back if you still are confused
Y

amother

Valerian

Thu, Feb 22 2024, 9:05 pm

I'm A morah for your dds age.
It is very, very uncomfortable for a morah to tell a mother about her dds issues. Therefore, many issues aren't mentioned or they are pushed off long enough until they are blatant issues.

I'm assuming your daughter's morah isn't a first year fourth grade teacher. She has most likely taught over 100, maybe even well over 200, 4th grade girls, so she has a baseline of normal behavior for fourth grade, more than a parent does.

Ask the teacher for examples of things your dd said.

She is doing you a chessed letting you know that your daughter would benefit from learning social skills.

amother

Thu, Feb 22 2024, 9:06 pm

amother Mint wrote:

Not sure I understand your post.
The teacher told me exactly what the issue is. That she can be mean to others and say things to the teachers that is chutzpah. But also had all the nice things to say about DD that she's well liked, doing really well etc. What seems off with the teacher?
also, Not sure what you mean about me asking her friends mother. what am I asking her exactly and why? She has multiple friends and neighbors. they come after her. knock on our door all the time to play and call her on the phone to shmooze, set up play dates.

amother

Thu, Feb 22 2024, 9:10 pm

amother Valerian wrote:

Thank you for your response!
I am totally not putting down the teacher. I can very much agree that there is an issue here. And I
very much appreciate her letting me know about it. But to call me out of the blue and immediatley say 'therapy' seems extreme to me.
No matter how uncomfortable it is for a morah, It makes no sense for me to be totally unaware of an issue and then suddenly throw it upon me and jump all the way to the top.

amother

Puce

Thu, Feb 22 2024, 9:21 pm

Teacher of 9-10 yr olds here for many yrs.
It is not okay for a teacher to wake up half way through the yr to bring up a serious issue and jump to therapy. (Unless it is a sudden recent dramatic concerning behavior which is not the case here.)

It could def be your daughter would benefit from social skills groups / therapy or coaching. But first I'd tell the teacher and principal:
* You were taken aback bec this came out of no where. Prev teachers didn't think it was a big issue & this yrs teacher didn't reach out the first half a yr. You are wondering why.
* Ask for concrete examples. Before u could help your daughter -or consider proffesional help, you (and proffesionl) need exact details and examples.
* Ask what the teacher has done to help your daughter. How does she respond when she hears her being chutzpadik or mean? Did she ever talk to DD privately and discuss it with her? Would she consider making an incentive program with her?
* Tell her what you plan to do at home. How u will discuss and role play with her. Ask her to communicate with you immeadiatly if your DD does s/t out of line so u can actively work with DD.
* Tell her you want to first have both the teacher along with yourself really putting effort into helping her. Of course if after a few months its ineffective you will consider proffesional advice / therapy.

Obviously speak respectfully. Question in a curious wondering way, without sounding defensive or accusatory -I know not easy when you feel your daughter is being attacked, but really important to show you respect the teacher and want to work with her not against her.

Hatzlacha!!!
And your daughter will iy"h grow out of it. She just may need some hand holding or more along the way. I have watched "mean" 10 yr olds become the sweetest young adults.