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-> Chinuch, Education & Schooling
naomi2
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 Sun, Feb 25 2024, 8:17 am
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Maybe you can ask him what mitzvah he did that you can write about. Maybe he can come up with something himself. It might also make him think about his actions other times when he realizes that the responsibility is his to actually do the mitzvahs he talks about
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amother
Bone
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Sun, Feb 25 2024, 9:36 am
I’m sorry this is so hard.
I’ve been through this- maybe you can learn from my mistakes- although now B”H my son is early twenties and doing well.
A few things I wish I had realized:
I should have gotten him behavioral therapy, and used the therapist as a support for myself. It would have helped me depersonalize his difficult behaviors.
Or I should have had a parenting coach for myself who specializes in ADHD. Same reason- to depersonalize the behaviors and help me not get upset/ triggered.
I should have arranged for an older boy to be a mentor for him, and take him out for a few hours shabbos afternoon, to give me a break.
I should have hired someone to be on the house erev shabbos specifically for him.
One thing I did right- I always told him that he had huge potential and I knew he’d do amazing one day. He always knew I had faith that eventually he’d succeed.
For the mitzvah note “Moishy brings incredible energy into our house. It adds a spark to our shabbos. He is going to do great things with that energy!”
You’ll get through this. Please get the support you need on a weekly basis so that you can be as calm as possible, bc we know he won’t be!
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amother
Yarrow
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Sun, Feb 25 2024, 12:29 pm
My husband does soemthing great for our ADHD daughter, which he got from a parenting book or expert.
He keeps a notebook of our daughter's acts of bravery or good deeds. Every time during the week that she does something good or that was hard or that we are proud of, he writes it down, and I write in it too. Then every shabbos we read it at the table. (Can be done for all the kids to prevent jealousy). DD likes it, a nice spotlight. We also then have a record of things for mitzvah notes.
Sometimes they are big things, sometimes they are small things, but anything and everything can go in there. It also helped us reframe, because we got in the habit of looking for good things she does so we could fill in the book, it slowly shifted how we viewed her as well.
A lot of it is stuff she does anyway but that is hard for her: didn't wake up Mommy before 7 am, offered us a potato chip, picked up something her sister dropped, turned on the heat for me, went to the dentist (even kicking and screaming, just leave that part out, because she was brave to do it anyway), got to school on time, walked home nicely (nicely is relative). Any little thing that is nice towards us we say is kibbud av v'eim and that can be a mitzvah note even if it was 'remembered not to sit in Tatty's chair (no that she usually does)'.
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amother
Latte
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Sun, Feb 25 2024, 1:00 pm
Shmuly sang a Shabbos song
Shmuly told a Shabbos story
Shmuly made someone happy , was BSimcha on Shabbos
Shmuly went to shul
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amother
Papayawhip
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Sun, Feb 25 2024, 1:07 pm
| amother Yarrow wrote: | My husband does soemthing great for our ADHD daughter, which he got from a parenting book or expert.
He keeps a notebook of our daughter's acts of bravery or good deeds. Every time during the week that she does something good or that was hard or that we are proud of, he writes it down, and I write in it too. Then every shabbos we read it at the table. (Can be done for all the kids to prevent jealousy). DD likes it, a nice spotlight. We also then have a record of things for mitzvah notes.
Sometimes they are big things, sometimes they are small things, but anything and everything can go in there. It also helped us reframe, because we got in the habit of looking for good things she does so we could fill in the book, it slowly shifted how we viewed her as well.
A lot of it is stuff she does anyway but that is hard for her: didn't wake up Mommy before 7 am, offered us a potato chip, picked up something her sister dropped, turned on the heat for me, went to the dentist (even kicking and screaming, just leave that part out, because she was brave to do it anyway), got to school on time, walked home nicely (nicely is relative). Any little thing that is nice towards us we say is kibbud av v'eim and that can be a mitzvah note even if it was 'remembered not to sit in Tatty's chair (no that she usually does)'. |
I LOVE THIS!!! Truth is, it's a nice idea for any child.
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amother
Sand
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Sun, Feb 25 2024, 1:25 pm
I can totally relate; my child is just like yours! Here's a helpful method: pre-write the mitzvah note before Shabbos and strongly encourage him to follow through on these tasks.
I came across this idea on a site where someone advised a teacher to create the test first and then teach the material to the girls for the test.
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lakewood mom
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Sun, Feb 25 2024, 1:25 pm
We have a relative with a sense of humor. Mom was out of commission- prob had a baby and so he was in charge of playgroup drop offs, prepping kids in the morning. He was running out of ideas when writing daily Mitzvah notes. He wrote the funniest Mitzvah note. Dear Morah, ———— did not do any Avodah Zarah today.
The father/ writer of this note is a Rosh Yeshivah today and we still laugh about it.
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amother
OP
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Sun, Feb 25 2024, 1:50 pm
| amother Papayawhip wrote: | | Dd1 did something brilliant last week. When she called to wish me good shabbos she put her challenging child on. That allowed her to say he spoke to his bubby to wish her good shabbos. He was very proud of himself because usually only the older kids (who can call themselves) speak to me on erev shabbos. |
Beautiful idea! Thank you!
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amother
OP
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Sun, Feb 25 2024, 1:54 pm
| amother Bone wrote: | I’m sorry this is so hard.
I’ve been through this- maybe you can learn from my mistakes- although now B”H my son is early twenties and doing well.
A few things I wish I had realized:
I should have gotten him behavioral therapy, and used the therapist as a support for myself. It would have helped me depersonalize his difficult behaviors.
Or I should have had a parenting coach for myself who specializes in ADHD. Same reason- to depersonalize the behaviors and help me not get upset/ triggered.
I should have arranged for an older boy to be a mentor for him, and take him out for a few hours shabbos afternoon, to give me a break.
I should have hired someone to be on the house erev shabbos specifically for him.
One thing I did right- I always told him that he had huge potential and I knew he’d do amazing one day. He always knew I had faith that eventually he’d succeed.
For the mitzvah note “Moishy brings incredible energy into our house. It adds a spark to our shabbos. He is going to do great things with that energy!”
You’ll get through this. Please get the support you need on a weekly basis so that you can be as calm as possible, bc we know he won’t be! |
Thanks! He has full time ABA therapy throughout the week and we have parenting meetings as well. We’ve been experimenting with medications but none seem to be working. We are on our 3rd psychiatrist and trying our hardest to help him! I have hired extra help, but you’re right, I should specifically get more care for shabbos and Sunday when I don’t have any. I try to tell him about his potential, but many times my frustration shines through and I just lose it. No one prepared me for this! I’m learning every day…one day I’ll look back and be proud of not only how far he has come, but how much I’ve changed/gained as well.
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amother
OP
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Sun, Feb 25 2024, 1:55 pm
| amother Yarrow wrote: | My husband does soemthing great for our ADHD daughter, which he got from a parenting book or expert.
He keeps a notebook of our daughter's acts of bravery or good deeds. Every time during the week that she does something good or that was hard or that we are proud of, he writes it down, and I write in it too. Then every shabbos we read it at the table. (Can be done for all the kids to prevent jealousy). DD likes it, a nice spotlight. We also then have a record of things for mitzvah notes.
Sometimes they are big things, sometimes they are small things, but anything and everything can go in there. It also helped us reframe, because we got in the habit of looking for good things she does so we could fill in the book, it slowly shifted how we viewed her as well.
A lot of it is stuff she does anyway but that is hard for her: didn't wake up Mommy before 7 am, offered us a potato chip, picked up something her sister dropped, turned on the heat for me, went to the dentist (even kicking and screaming, just leave that part out, because she was brave to do it anyway), got to school on time, walked home nicely (nicely is relative). Any little thing that is nice towards us we say is kibbud av v'eim and that can be a mitzvah note even if it was 'remembered not to sit in Tatty's chair (no that she usually does)'. |
Wow I love this idea!!! Thank you for sharing!!!!!
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seeker
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Sun, Feb 25 2024, 4:04 pm
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Sorry this isn't helpful but the post reminded me of one that was going around: "Dear Morah, Shimmy did not bow to any idols today!" I think that mom really gets you!
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amother
Snapdragon
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Sun, Feb 25 2024, 5:53 pm
| lakewood mom wrote: | We have a relative with a sense of humor. Mom was out of commission- prob had a baby and so he was in charge of playgroup drop offs, prepping kids in the morning. He was running out of ideas when writing daily Mitzvah notes. He wrote the funniest Mitzvah note. Dear Morah, ———— did not do any Avodah Zarah today.
The father/ writer of this note is a Rosh Yeshivah today and we still laugh about it. |
I wanted to say - who remembers the kichels from a few years ago where the mother is trying all week to think of mitzvah notes? In the end she writes "____ did not do shfichas hadamim today"! I always think of that when I have a hard time writing mitzvah notes for my 4 year old son 
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amother
Oak
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Sun, Feb 25 2024, 7:00 pm
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I taught an adorable (and well-behaved) kindergarten student. The mother loved him to pieces. Sometimes her mitzvah note just said “_____ is the best! We love ____” without any specific mitzvah. I don’t know why, I used to get a kick out of it. You just felt her love shine through.
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bp1234
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Sun, Feb 25 2024, 7:15 pm
| amother Oak wrote: | | I taught an adorable (and well-behaved) kindergarten student. The mother loved him to pieces. Sometimes her mitzvah note just said “_____ is the best! We love ____” without any specific mitzvah. I don’t know why, I used to get a kick out of it. You just felt her love shine through. |
That’s so sweet!
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CPenzias
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Sun, Feb 25 2024, 7:28 pm
| amother OP wrote: | Child wreaked so much havoc by the seuda I’m not even sure he ate anything, but I guess we can go with the first one  |
Child joined us at the shabbos seuda. (Didn't say nicely lol) I'm sorry it's so hard.
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CPenzias
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Sun, Feb 25 2024, 7:39 pm
| amother OP wrote: | | Thanks! He has full time ABA therapy throughout the week and we have parenting meetings as well. We’ve been experimenting with medications but none seem to be working. We are on our 3rd psychiatrist and trying our hardest to help him! I have hired extra help, but you’re right, I should specifically get more care for shabbos and Sunday when I don’t have any. I try to tell him about his potential, but many times my frustration shines through and I just lose it. No one prepared me for this! I’m learning every day…one day I’ll look back and be proud of not only how far he has come, but how much I’ve changed/gained as well. |
I'm chiming in to say I see you too. My son is 18 and we had to work very hard with him. I'm so proud of him (he'll shrug and pretend to vomit if I tell him lol) but I always said I never want him to look back and say I didn't do my best and it sounds like you're the same. You are doing so much for him. You love him to death but you're only human. You're doing great! It will get easier as time goes on. Just keep up the great work. I'm tearing up as I write. It's beautiful to hear about moms who are trying like you are! You got this!
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amother
OP
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Wed, Feb 28 2024, 7:28 am
| CPenzias wrote: | | I'm chiming in to say I see you too. My son is 18 and we had to work very hard with him. I'm so proud of him (he'll shrug and pretend to vomit if I tell him lol) but I always said I never want him to look back and say I didn't do my best and it sounds like you're the same. You are doing so much for him. You love him to death but you're only human. You're doing great! It will get easier as time goes on. Just keep up the great work. I'm tearing up as I write. It's beautiful to hear about moms who are trying like you are! You got this! |
Thank you so much! Gives me chizzuk!
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amother
Daffodil
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Wed, Feb 28 2024, 7:51 am
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Does he want the mitzvah note? If yes can it be planned in advance - he'll make a Bracha/daven/clean something up /listen to Mommy, etc in order to get the mitzvah note?
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CPenzias
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Wed, Feb 28 2024, 8:27 am
| amother OP wrote: | | Thank you so much! Gives me chizzuk! |
Good! I'm glad I was able to do that ❤️
I got plenty of chizuk from the more experienced parents when my son was younger.
It will be ok!
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jeg
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Wed, Feb 28 2024, 10:52 am
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You have a 50% chance that he puts on the correct shoe first. He ate kosher food. There are some that are low hanging fruit.
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