Pls help me get passed this it's effecting my marriage

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amother

Sat, Mar 09 2024, 9:38 pm

I married an Israeli (I'm not Israeli) at the time my fil demanded alot of money from my father to buy us an apt.
They agreed on a certain amount of money
And my father will give 2/3 of the amount and my fil 1/3
I felt terrible honesty at the time and watched my poor father take a loan against the house It was very hard for me

Anyway ..we got married and my fil demanded the money immediately meanwhile fil said actually he has no money and he will mortgage the 1/3 on the apartment we bought and he paid the mortgage on our name.
A few years later we sold the apt in Israel bc we moved to USA and he never gave us the money.
I know I should let it go I know... but Inside it really hurts me

My father also knows that he never gave his share . He was NOT happy when he put his money on a mortgage .
My father only gave the money based on my fil giving too . He never had the money to give me to begin with and felt pushed to the corner and agreed based on their agreement.
Anyone have some words of wisdom and comfort to get passed this. I feel really angry at my fil I'm just so upset about this whole thing
I feel cheated and lied to . He feels like such a. Sneaky mean person

amother

Beige

Sat, Mar 09 2024, 10:30 pm

I know the feeling. Had similar situation in America. I was angry until the day decided that my husband and I were not involved in making the money deals and we should not suffer because of it. Hashem keeps cheshbonos on everything.

I decided no to ruin my life (emotionally) and marriage over money & not to punish my husband over his father's actions. (He suffered enough as a child at the hands if his father.)

amother

Poppy

Sat, Mar 09 2024, 10:41 pm

I had a very similar situation in America. I tried very hard not to let it come between me and dh. I never managed to forget or forgive fil for what he did to my father. The situation was more complicated than yours and he caused a lot of financial and emotional damage. You’re not alone op, but I don’t have any good advice.

amother

Maize

Sat, Mar 09 2024, 11:26 pm

Your FIL sounds like a piece of work but honestly you also sound really entitled

amother

Honey

Sat, Mar 09 2024, 11:30 pm

amother Maize wrote:

Your FIL sounds like a piece of work but honestly you also sound really entitled

Entitled? Where do you see entitlement? I would be furious

zaq

Sun, Mar 10 2024, 12:45 am

The person who was really being cheated here is your dad, not you. It was he, not you, who paid for the apt and he, not you, who should have received the proceeds of the sale.

amother

Honey

Sun, Mar 10 2024, 12:47 am

zaq wrote:

The person who was really being cheated here is your dad, not you. It was he, not you, who paid for the apt and he, not you, who should have received the proceeds of the sale.

She seems to feel bad for her dad in a very personal way. That’s how she comes across to me at least

amother

Gray

Sun, Mar 10 2024, 1:03 am

Why aren't you giving your father his money back, now that you sold the house?

B'Syata D'Shmya

Sun, Mar 10 2024, 1:42 am

amother OP wrote:

NOT OK!! I would feel the same.
The apartment was in our FIL's name???
Your father can take him to Beis Din.
Your father was cheated and lied to and that is not ok. He should ask a shayla.
What does your dh say about all this?

BTW the demand for money is a red flag for anyones future reference.

B'Syata D'Shmya

Sun, Mar 10 2024, 1:43 am

amother Gray wrote:

Why aren't you giving your father his money back, now that you sold the house?

I assume the house was in her FILs name so he got the money from the sale.

B'Syata D'Shmya

Sun, Mar 10 2024, 1:43 am

amother Maize wrote:

Your FIL sounds like a piece of work but honestly you also sound really entitled

You mean because OP went along with the pressure on her father? That was on her father. Not her.

amother

Orange

Sun, Mar 10 2024, 3:29 am

Who got the money from the sale of the apartment?

WhatFor

Sun, Mar 10 2024, 3:37 am

I understand why you wouldn't like your fil but how could he have forced your father? What would have happened if your father just said no? If you can't afford, you can't.

amother

Melon

Sun, Mar 10 2024, 3:48 am

You are right to be angry at FIL for what he did to your father. Distance yourself from him as much as you can.

However, in no way should this seep into your marriage. How is DH involved?

Is there a certain amount that your father typically gives a couple? Whatever he gave above this amount you should start paying back in installments, even if takes decades to pay him back, it will give you peace of mind.

amother

Clematis

Sun, Mar 10 2024, 4:09 am

It's not your DHs fault and I guarantee he is mortified by the situation. If he is insulted by any attacks about his father, know that is natural too, and not a bad thing in itself. Except that you come first. And he should come first for you. Meaning, no bashing of his family, which will only hurt him.

Dolly151

Sun, Mar 10 2024, 4:31 am

It's your father's cheshbon. None of your business. You can take this story as a reason to never do business with ur film tho.
Me and my brother were promised 250k from my grandparents towards a house. I got 100k and my brother got 200k. My grandparents don't know that I know my brother got double. My father (their son) doesn't either know that my brother got double. I take what I was given and say thank you. There's no reason to harp on who owes you anything. No one is obligated to give you anything.

On a side note, my brother offered to split the difference with me. I said no. He's a nice guy. It's his money not mine.

camp123

Sun, Mar 10 2024, 5:41 am

Am I understanding that your father gave money for an apartment for you. Your father in law sold the apartment and kept all the money? If that's the case your father in law stole the money from your father. Your father should take him to beis din, but if your father doesn't want to then you should let it go and work on realizing that everyone gets what Hashem gives them and you will be rewarded for keeping shalom.

imasinger

Sun, Mar 10 2024, 7:24 am

What zaq said.

I'm sorry this happened, it wasn't derech eretz.

My guess is that you and FIL will probably never be close, and that happens with some families.

The question for you is, especially when given that the issue is his not paying for the living space as promised, just how long are you planning on letting him live rent free in your head?

If you're not interested in doing so, perhaps it will help to remind yourself that everything comes from Hashem. Let this be for a kappara, and appreciate what you have.

Especially if your resentment is affecting your marriage.

B'Syata D'Shmya

Sun, Mar 10 2024, 7:31 am

imasinger wrote:

So she just lets her father be cheated?
Are we were to say that everything is from Hashem when someone cheats or steals from us - like a Bernie Madoff?

ShishKabob

Sun, Mar 10 2024, 11:06 am

I think that resentment is really not worth it because it eats you up on the inside with no positive outcomes possible.
It's out of your hands. Please understand that this was ordained to be by Hashem. It has nothing to do with you or with your father. Try to think of it in a way that the money your father gave was meant to be lost or meant to be spent on medical bills, but instead Hashem did a chesed and made it go to an apartment for you.

I do understand that it leaves a not such a good taste in your mouth. Try to overcome it. What's done is done.

Try to be dlkz your fil also. May you never know what it means to be so desperate for money, that you resort to this.

Take the high road and you should give lots of nachas to your parents and may you have lots of nachas from your children in turn. It's not easy and may take some time to work on this. But it's totally worth it.

Warmest of hugs!!!

P. S. This doesn't take away the onus from the fil, that he will have to give a cheshbon for whatever he did/does. It's not whitewashing or condoning anything. It's just a way of dealing with this that doesn't stop you from living your life the way it was supposed to be.

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