11 year old girl | Imamother

amother

Tue, Mar 12 2024, 2:16 pm

I have a strange question to ask but I would love to hear what you think.

What would be a bigger worry for parents:

an 11 year old girl, one who is very well behaved in school and when she goes to houses of friends and is generally well thought of in the community but is absolutely rude, disrespectful, unappreciative and very badly behaved at home

or a girl who is extremely well behaved at home and a real asset to the home but a very naughty girl in school?

amother

Fuchsia

Tue, Mar 12 2024, 2:19 pm

I've heard many say that well behaved at home but not elsewhere is a sign of fear of misbehaving at home...not a good relationship with parents so, as if its a choice, misbehaving at home would be preferable

amother

Whitesmoke

Tue, Mar 12 2024, 2:20 pm

The first scenario, is normal behavior. Kids act out at home because it's their safe space to just feel their feelings.
The second is more concerning behavior.
(I would be concerned that they don't find their home safe enough for them to just let go after a day in school.)

amother

Ghostwhite

Tue, Mar 12 2024, 2:22 pm

I would say B.

Its worse because if they behave like that in school they can lose friends and not fit in socially.

My daughter is similar.
She is also 11.
Extremely chutzpadik, very immature.
Tears and tantrums often.

Im sorry ,its very difficult.

amother

DarkViolet

Tue, Mar 12 2024, 2:38 pm

It's very common for kids to behave a lot better at school than at home.

It's uncommon to behave well at home but poorly at school, so I'd find that to be more concerning.

amother

Ivory

Tue, Mar 12 2024, 3:07 pm

I was B except I never misbehaved at friends houses
Got suspended multiple times but was a huge help at home.
Not because I was scared of my parents but because I loved them. To me, my teachers were cranky, annoying people who made me sit in a desk all day and told me what to do.
My parents told me what to do too, but it was given with love and sweetness. Also school was boring so I had to make action. Home was always busy and active so I was able to just chill at home. I rarely fought with sibling.

amother

Daffodil

Tue, Mar 12 2024, 3:18 pm

amother Ivory wrote:

You just described my daughter. She has adhd. School is hard for her. At home she helps out and is always running errands, doing crafts, roughhousing with the little ones, and reading. Last year she hated the teacher and the school called me for a meeting. I told them she’s a pleasure at home and this teacher is an issue. Lo and behold she has great teachers this year and she’s a star in school.

amother

Forestgreen

Tue, Mar 12 2024, 3:28 pm

Dd8 is what u describe first. I stopped asking the teachers how she behaves because I see she's an angel in school and at home tantrums, is chutzpadig, can even hit me or dh. In school she's popular, smart, good kid. Even when shes by her grandparents, shes really well behaves and helpful. I'm so glad she feels that we're her safe space to act this way. Working on emotional regulation so she shouldn't need to fall apart like this at home either.