S/o Do some users here parentify their children?

amother

Khaki

Fri, Mar 15 2024, 9:09 am

This is such a horrible assumption! That kids with express that they are being traumatized (non verbally.)

Because even if it's true, it doesn't mean adult can typically pick up on it.

Often the "good" kid, who gets straight A's and acts pleasant, goes unnoticed. But no one knows that they are doing it for survival...

Not saying it's the parents fault, but if there is a lot of stress at home, like a sick parent or sibling or something like that, kids can feel the pressure to not cause any problems or have their own needs...

And don't expect kids to know when they're traumatized. They're kids! The only reality they know is the one they are growing up in.

Plenty of adults, especially those who grew up in severe emotional neglect, still don't know that they have been traumatized.

amother

Lightyellow

Fri, Mar 15 2024, 9:11 am

amother Leaf wrote:

It's not that we underestimate, it's that we can actually create mental health issues within ourselves by perseverating, over-analyzing and coming up with flaws and imperfections in our past histories. Jmo.

I disagree. I think people would like to be satisfied with their upbringing but sometimes their bodies tell them otherwise.
People don’t gain from stam coming up with issues. In my case I realized in adulthood that I was emotionally affected and repeating negative patterns from my upbringing. Nothing extreme at all, and still took me years to acknowledge but I finally did I was because it affected my home life.
and then I was able to tackle it at the root and thank Gd I am currently working quite hard at breaking the pattern.

amother

Winterberry

Fri, Mar 15 2024, 9:16 am

amother Khaki wrote:

Absolutely. I have a friend who experienced horrific ongoing CSA and her parents had no clue. She was very young. She repressed it all until her body couldn't anymore and she is suffering terribly from it today. She had no way of knowing or communicating it, and her parents did not pick up whatever signs there may have been. But it was a very real, very serious trauma. It's so ignorant to assume that trauma is obvious.

amother

Khaki

Fri, Mar 15 2024, 9:19 am

There's so many arguments about what is trauma and people usually see it this massive ugly thing and it means your childhood was horrible and/or your parents were failures.

And so people balk at the fact that people can be "convinced" they have trauma.

My personal opinion is that trauma is not a big scary word, and everyone has at least some trauma. Trauma just means negative experiences that have lasting negative effects. We've all had some. And it does not mean that our parents are bad.

amother

Leaf

Fri, Mar 15 2024, 9:22 am

amother Khaki wrote:

Well that's the thing. The meaning of the word has been degraded because of its overuse, and its being applied to things that had never previously been considered trauma.

amother

Birch

Fri, Mar 15 2024, 9:23 am

amother Eggshell wrote:

Some kids parentify themselves.

I am more laid back for example about my toddler playing in the yard. I'll keep an eye on him, but if he trips and falls I'm okay with that. He needs to learn from experience, and a little tumble in the grass is not dangerous. I'll go over and pick him up and kiss him and let him play more.

My 8yo can't handle it. She is constantly running behind him and trying to keep him from falling.

I repeatedly tell her that he is fine, she can go play herself. But it's hard for her to do it.

Is she parentified?

I have other kids that will assume responsibilities that were not given to them. Like sometimes it's okay for a baby to whine in her crib for a few minutes while I put the other kids to bed. I didn't ask the 13yo to take her out, and while I appreciate it (I don't LIKE when kids cry), I have to keep letting her know that I'm the mother, I know the baby isn't thrilled right now, and it's not her responsibility to make sure she's happy.

Is she parentified?

In my mind parentifying is giving over too large a burden of responsibility to a child. A child can have a chore like emptying trash cans, and it can be their responsibility. Cooking dinner is generally too large of a responsibility, cooking Shabbos is far too large, and taking care of a small baby all night is WAY too much responsibility for a child.

In my home, I have to fight it from the other direction. When a child volunteers too much I have to keep reminding them that I am in charge and they don't have to feel responsible.

But I totally get that a mother would just be grateful for her children being so helpful and accept the assistance gracefully, not even noticing when it slides over time from volunteer into responsibility.

It's harder for me to understand the mothers who intentionally plan their lives around the assistance they expect from their kids and teens. Yes every child should contribute to the household in some way, but that doesn't mean you're not the mother anymore. Maybe they view "in charge of supper" or "in charge of laundry" as minor tasks like sweeping the kitchen floor on Thursdays, when they are major mental and physical loads?

Its because you are too chilled, the other kids assume responsibility. Its not ok for a baby to whine in a crib for a few minutes, by you not going in its causing anxiety for your older one and she goes to take him out, which is a good thing.
I see this a lot , when moms are too chilled ( slightly in denial/neglectful) their other kids pick up the slack. Please rethink this approach.
I do think it's healthy and normal for your toddler to run around the backyard with nobody hovering.

amother

Crimson

Fri, Mar 15 2024, 9:25 am

amother Leaf wrote:

Well that's the thing. The meaning of the word has been degraded because of its overuse, and its being applied to things that had never previously been considered trauma.

Trauma can be anything. Some things are trauma for everyone, like getting abused and some are trauma for specific people like not being parented the best way for your personality. Trauma is real. And most of the time healing and accepting the trauma and truth lead to getting rid of serious issues. So why are we so against it? Why does it scare us to accept it?

Mommyg8

Fri, Mar 15 2024, 9:27 am

amother Khaki wrote:

So let me get this straight...

The child gets straight A's (how is that related to their emotional health, but OK), acts pleasant, has depression and anxiety inside but is acting perfectly wonderful and amazing on the outside?

Not buying that one.

And are you saying that there are plenty of adults who have been severely traumatized, but they are perfectly fine and there are not symptoms even as an adult? They are wonderful spouses, wonderful parents, no emotional issues? Not buying that one either, but if it were, what would be the problem????

amother

Birch

Fri, Mar 15 2024, 9:27 am

amother Eggshell wrote:

Their nature? Higher sensitivity than me? Learning kindness from my husband? Who knows.

It isn't always the help I'm looking for, mind you Smile

I'd rather have someone sweep the kitchen floor (a task I do need done) than keep the toddler from falling (which I am not sure is so good for his development).

If you're trying to imply something, maybe you're right. Maybe I should be a more proactive parent and hold my baby during the entire bedtime and not let kids fall on the grass. But this is the type of mother I am. My kids don't have to be the same kinds of parents when they get married, but that doesn't mean I have to change just because they will make it their responsibility when it really isn't.

If I didn't cook supper at all and they stepped in, we'd have a problem. But different child rearing styles are not the same story at all.

Are you putting your whining baby in the crib so you can do bedtime with your older kids?
Thats unfair to baby and unfair to your older kids being put in a situation where their innate sensitivity tells them its wrong but they are a kid and shouldn't have to be dealing with this. You are creating a stressful situation for others by you being so "chilled". Please rethink this.

amother

White

Fri, Mar 15 2024, 9:29 am

amother Khaki wrote:

Abigail Shrier just wrote a book and went on a podcast tour to discuss this very topic. I agree with her that calling bad things that happen to a person a trauma instead of just bad memories makes that person more likely to spend their whole life thinking about the trauma they went through instead of just moving on from it.

Mommyg8

Fri, Mar 15 2024, 9:31 am

amother Winterberry wrote:

I specifically said (or thought I said) excepting severe trauma that the body represses, either because they are too young, or the trauma is too horrific. If I didn't say it, I'll say it now.

Also, even if they don't actually say it, "The Body Keeps Score". As what happened, so unfortunately, to your friend.

amother

Khaki

Fri, Mar 15 2024, 9:31 am

Mommyg8 wrote:

I'm saying that straight As and not having needs CAN be a trauma response.

Pleasing everyone or overperforming as an adult CAN be, as well.

Mommyg8

Fri, Mar 15 2024, 9:36 am

amother Khaki wrote:

I'm saying that straight As and not having needs CAN be a trauma response.

Pleasing everyone or overperforming as an adult CAN be, as well.

I'm talking about having physical or emotional issues because of the trauma.

The above can be true as well (I don't think it is), but it's not a response to my point. Really, getting straight A's is a trauma response? Wow, now I've heard everything. (I think you're mixing it up with the PRESSURE and NEED to get straight A's, which can be a symptom of anxiety, but it would be only ONE symptom among many).