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-> Parenting our children
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amother
Khaki
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 Fri, Mar 15 2024, 6:41 am
| Mommyg8 wrote: | | Really, getting straight A's is a trauma response? Wow, now I've heard everything. |
CAN BE
I said CAN be a trauma response.
I even capitalized it, because that was the most important word.
Don't missquote me to twist what I'm saying.
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amother
Leaf
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Fri, Mar 15 2024, 6:43 am
| amother Khaki wrote: | You said the word had been "degraded" and is "overused."
I'm saying we are understanding that it's more common than we previously realized |
But the brain and nervous system response of a soldier suffering PTSD after a war is not the same as that of a now-grown teenager who did too much helping out at home. They really are not comparable in any way. Using the same word to describe both is a degradation of the word imo.
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amother
Khaki
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Fri, Mar 15 2024, 6:46 am
| amother Leaf wrote: | | But the brain and nervous system response of a soldier suffering PTSD after a war is not the same as that of a now-grown teenager who did too much helping out at home. They really are not comparable in any way. Using the same word to describe both is a degradation of the word imo. |
I hear what you're saying and it's a concern that bothers me too.
But someone with a common cold or with stage 4 cancer can both be called "sick," and both are allowed to get medicine without the need justify...
Bad experiences that affect your nervous system permanently are called trauma. Do you have a better word?
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amother
Birch
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Fri, Mar 15 2024, 6:49 am
| amother Honeydew wrote: | | You sound like a nice person. But it also sounds like your laid back parenting style does make some of the older kids anxious and like they need to step up and help. Just something to think about. |
This. You said this so eloquently.
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amother
Leaf
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Fri, Mar 15 2024, 6:49 am
| amother Khaki wrote: | I hear what you're saying and it's a concern that bothers me too.
But someone with a common cold or with stage 4 cancer can both be called "sick," and both are allowed to get medicine without the need justify...
Bad experiences that affect your nervous system permanently are called trauma. Do you have a better word? |
Do we need to have a word for bad experiences that specifically affect our nervous system? I feel like that's life. The problem with calling everything trauma is it makes people believe they have experienced something horrific and inexcusable. I don't think this is healthy or helpful.
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amother
Pearl
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Fri, Mar 15 2024, 6:49 am
| amother Crimson wrote: | | Trauma can be anything. Some things are trauma for everyone, like getting abused and some are trauma for specific people like not being parented the best way for your personality. Trauma is real. And most of the time healing and accepting the trauma and truth lead to getting rid of serious issues. So why are we so against it? Why does it scare us to accept it? |
I’m not against accepting trauma on myself, but in the other thread half the posters were trying to convince the OP that she was traumatized. She said she wasn’t. I don’t know why it was so hard for some people to believe her.
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Mommyg8
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Fri, Mar 15 2024, 6:50 am
| amother Khaki wrote: | CAN BE
I said CAN be a trauma response.
I even capitalized it, because that was the most important word.
Don't missquote me. |
Even so, there would be other symptoms.
Too much pressure- from the parents on their children to get straight A's would be traumatic as well, IMO (not necessarily related to the conversation here).
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amother
Leaf
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Fri, Mar 15 2024, 6:53 am
| amother Pearl wrote: | | I’m not against accepting trauma on myself, but in the other thread half the posters were trying to convince the OP that she was traumatized. She said she wasn’t. I don’t know why it was so hard for some people to believe her. |
And when she says she wasn't traumatized, the response was that she's in denial.
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amother
Khaki
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Fri, Mar 15 2024, 6:53 am
| Mommyg8 wrote: | Even so, there would be other symptoms.
Too much pressure- from the parents on their children to get straight A's would be traumatic as well, IMO (not necessarily related to the conversation here). |
I disagree. Sometimes the only symptoms that shows is straight A's and being the "good" kid. And you wouldn't necessarily see the anxiety underneath.
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amother
Khaki
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Fri, Mar 15 2024, 6:56 am
| amother Leaf wrote: | | Do we need to have a word for bad experiences that specifically affect our nervous system? I feel like that's life. The problem with calling everything trauma is it makes people believe they have experienced something horrific and inexcusable. I don't think this is healthy or helpful. |
Yes because if you had a bad experience that's now causing real issues, you can get help. But first you need to recognize that it's effecting you. It's called trauma. If you want to give a different word for smaller traumas go ahead but that's murky territory. Some people say big T and little T.
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flowerpower
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Fri, Mar 15 2024, 7:06 am
I am the one telling op that she is ok and doesn’t need the rest of her life on her shoulders feeling upset at her parents. That being said- my kids barely help. I think this site did it to me. I’m scared to ask them anything because “I’ll ruin them”. As a kid I was a powerhouse and loved doing domestic work. I cleaned and did the weekly shopping order for my family. I loved it. It made me feel good and productive. I still had a huge social life and freedom. I feel that because of my experience I have a much easier time running my house. Our cleaning lady once commented that she works in a few houses and was really impressed watching us work together and eagerly chipping in( before pesach when we cleaned the cabinets together- my sisters and I).
My neighbor works full time and has a house full of kids. Supper is either pizza bagels or fish sticks etc. she has no koach to make supper. If she would be on this site venting everyone would validate her. Now if her teen says she wants real supper and is ok preparing it what would you guys reply?
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flowerpower
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Fri, Mar 15 2024, 7:07 am
| amother Leaf wrote: | | And when she says she wasn't traumatized, the response was that she's in denial. |
Right. And when I told that to op I got many hugs. She must be traumatized? She must be in denial?
Last edited by flowerpower on Fri, Mar 15 2024, 8:46 am; edited 1 time in total
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amother
Leaf
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Fri, Mar 15 2024, 7:21 am
| amother Khaki wrote: | | Yes because if you had a bad experience that's now causing real issues, you can get help. But first you need to recognize that it's effecting you. It's called trauma. If you want to give a different word for smaller traumas go ahead but that's murky territory. Some people say big T and little T. |
But maybe it's really, in truth, not affecting you? Like the OP in the other thread. Or maybe you do have issues, let's say anxiety around finances, since that was mentioned in the other thread. Everyone has anxiety at some point over something. It's not really possible to say that, but for how you were raised, you wouldn't have this anxiety right now. So is it helpful to reach a conclusion that your anxiety over finances stems from trauma you endured when your parents asked you for too much help around the house too much as a teenager?
No, that's not helpful, it's damaging imo. To yourself and to your relationship with your parents.
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dandilions
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Fri, Mar 15 2024, 7:46 am
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I have a question - all the teenagers that are being referred to on this thread as helping with cooking, cleaning, or childcare (whether its the ones who are parentified or the ones who help out on the rare occasion that its needed) --- are these your daughters or your sons?
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essie14
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Fri, Mar 15 2024, 7:50 am
| dandilions wrote: | | I have a question - all the teenagers that are being referred to on this thread as helping with cooking, cleaning, or childcare (whether its the ones who are parentified or the ones who help out on the rare occasion that its needed) --- are these your daughters or your sons? |
Why should that make a difference?
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amother
Pearl
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Fri, Mar 15 2024, 7:57 am
| dandilions wrote: | | I have a question - all the teenagers that are being referred to on this thread as helping with cooking, cleaning, or childcare (whether its the ones who are parentified or the ones who help out on the rare occasion that its needed) --- are these your daughters or your sons? |
Both my daughters and sons help, as age appropriate. I don’t think they’re being parentified, but they possibly help more than imamother “norm”. It helps that dh is fully capable in the house (he actually cooks more than me) and my sons don’t have crazy long school hours yet.
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amother
Pearl
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Fri, Mar 15 2024, 7:59 am
| dandilions wrote: | | I have a question - all the teenagers that are being referred to on this thread as helping with cooking, cleaning, or childcare (whether its the ones who are parentified or the ones who help out on the rare occasion that its needed) --- are these your daughters or your sons? |
This should probably be a spinoff…
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dandilions
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Fri, Mar 15 2024, 9:13 am
| essie14 wrote: | | Why should that make a difference? |
It shouldn't! This thread just got me thinking about if it ends up being more one or the other.
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behappy2
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Fri, Mar 15 2024, 9:26 am
| amother Eggshell wrote: | Some kids parentify themselves.
I am more laid back for example about my toddler playing in the yard. I'll keep an eye on him, but if he trips and falls I'm okay with that. He needs to learn from experience, and a little tumble in the grass is not dangerous. I'll go over and pick him up and kiss him and let him play more.
My 8yo can't handle it. She is constantly running behind him and trying to keep him from falling.
I repeatedly tell her that he is fine, she can go play herself. But it's hard for her to do it.
Is she parentified?
I have other kids that will assume responsibilities that were not given to them. Like sometimes it's okay for a baby to whine in her crib for a few minutes while I put the other kids to bed. I didn't ask the 13yo to take her out, and while I appreciate it (I don't LIKE when kids cry), I have to keep letting her know that I'm the mother, I know the baby isn't thrilled right now, and it's not her responsibility to make sure she's happy.
Is she parentified?
In my mind parentifying is giving over too large a burden of responsibility to a child. A child can have a chore like emptying trash cans, and it can be their responsibility. Cooking dinner is generally too large of a responsibility, cooking Shabbos is far too large, and taking care of a small baby all night is WAY too much responsibility for a child.
In my home, I have to fight it from the other direction. When a child volunteers too much I have to keep reminding them that I am in charge and they don't have to feel responsible.
But I totally get that a mother would just be grateful for her children being so helpful and accept the assistance gracefully, not even noticing when it slides over time from volunteer into responsibility.
It's harder for me to understand the mothers who intentionally plan their lives around the assistance they expect from their kids and teens. Yes every child should contribute to the household in some way, but that doesn't mean you're not the mother anymore. Maybe they view "in charge of supper" or "in charge of laundry" as minor tasks like sweeping the kitchen floor on Thursdays, when they are major mental and physical loads? |
To me it seems your kids have anxiety. This isn't parentification.
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behappy2
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Fri, Mar 15 2024, 9:30 am
I don't see this term as being super helpful. It doesn't explain anything about how certain family dynamics affected us.
Things that affect children:
Neglect
Abuse
Emotional or verbal abuse
Pressure
Lack of attunement
Lack of safety
Etc..
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