Selfish married daughter

amother

Sun, Mar 17 2024, 8:03 pm

I don’t want to post details here in case she’s on here, but I need general advice about how to improve my attitude about my daughter.

My daughter became self-centered and entitled while she was engaged and it continued through shana rishona. She’s married almost a year. A lot of the time I don’t even like being around her anymore, and that’s a horrible feeling, because I love her and want things to be different.

I try hard not to say anything unless she does something that hurts one of her siblings or acts disrespectful to her grandparents (my parents live nearby and are by me a lot). I bite my tongue 95% of the time when she acts selfish.

But I find myself having a hard time letting go of things even though I don’t call her on them. I’m sitting here right now, hurt and disappointed about something she did three days ago. I know I need to stop thinking about things and move on. I know I need to have low expectations so I don’t get surprised by her selfishness. I’m having a hard time doing that, though.

Has anyone dealt with a similar situation? What helped?

amother

Apricot

Sun, Mar 17 2024, 8:11 pm

It's normal for young people at this stage to be self involved and to hurt others unwillingly in the process.
Why don't you try to gently point it out to her whenever you feel she's being obnoxious? You don't have to bite your tounge if it's that painful as long as you also don't over react. I'm sure she's not trying to be a brat. It's a stage that she'll hopefully outgrow soon.

amother

Indigo

Sun, Mar 17 2024, 8:12 pm

amother Apricot wrote:

For a year? That's a long time.

What's her husband like? What was she like as a teenager/single adult?

My thought is that she must be very insecure in this role as wife. Sad, but that's what it sounds like.

amother

Bluebonnet

Sun, Mar 17 2024, 8:32 pm

So there's a difference between trying to discipline or educate her, which will be counterproductive at this stage in her life, and drawing and enforcing healthy boundaries. You absolutely should enforce healthy boundaries with her just as you would with any other person.

For example, if she raids your fridge of food you need for your family for supper, you can firmly but kindly say, that is supper for the kids. Please don't take it. And hold from even if she complains or argues, etc.

That's different from trying to be mechanech her, which would involve some moral guilt tripping, something like, you need to think about other people. What will your siblings eat...

amother

Indigo

Sun, Mar 17 2024, 8:40 pm

amother OP wrote:

Yes, she’s insecure. She always was, and we tried to boost her self-esteem but a lot of it is her personality. I hope that over time she’ll become more comfortable with herself.

I don’t think she realizes how rude and selfish she acts.

Sounds very hurtful. Sorry you are going through this.

You seems to be saying that she's been this way for most of her life. Maybe marriage will change her, maybe not. The only thing you can address is how she acts towards you that upsets you. She may or may not take your words to heart. Other than that, there's not much to do. She has some more growing up to do.

Is there an example you want to share to give a better idea of what is going on?

B'Syata D'Shmya

Sun, Mar 17 2024, 9:02 pm

OP, you did your thing, you raised her the best you can, you have no control or responsibility for her current selfish behavior. Marriage will not change her. Life will.

You cant protect her from herself any more than any other parent in history who had a child with poor middos.
Dont try to analyze what you did wrong, live in the moment and gently respond to bad behavior in an appropriate fashion. She is not a child but just as you would respond to bad behavior at work, with a friend etc, you must not remain silent - silence is acquiescence. Smiling and indulging her bad behavior , hoping it will change on its own, is just reinforcing it and making yourself a martyr. You are not a frog slowly stewing in the heating water of the pot she has put you in.

You are allowed to (and even obligated to ) put socially accepted boundaries to protect yourself and your family. Without boundaries, she has no idea what she is doing is hurtful. By not responding, you may be inadvertently reinforcing her behavior. Its possible as a child she thought "as soon as I am married, the world belongs to ME, I can behave..." and she needs to be taught that those behaviors cause negative consequences, not punishments. Not knowing details, I cant give examples but I will try - so if Im off base, forgive me.
Walking out of the room is a strong message. Ending the conversation or changing the topic. Even outright saying privately, " I was hurt by what you said, you may have meant x but there is no reason to add y".
You can take her out to coffee and a salad and tell her how proud you are that she has grown into such a responsible adult, and reinforce the GOOD behaviors she exhibited, ignore the bad unless you really feel you want to talk about it. Like, "Honey, when you talk to Grandma, remember she is older and wiser and has lots of life experience, she knows she isnt tech savvy like you, but she still has a ton we can learn from.".

Keep it pleasant, she will have no problems giving your boundaries with a stern look or pout, so when that happens, move on. You cant change her in one day.

BTW, this is not recommended to be done with a DIL, only a daughter.

amother

Antiquewhite

Mon, Mar 18 2024, 4:32 pm

At this stage all you can really do is vhide her for the way she acts towards you and your parents or inlaws. You can tell her "that remark was very rude and hurt my feelings" " Married you may be but you still don't have the right to talk to me that way" "I'm still your mother and the obligation of kibbud av vaem didn't expire when you got a ring on your finger."

Too bad she doesn't have children yet, because then you could point out that her children will mimic her example and come to treat her the way she treats you.

imasinger

Mon, Mar 18 2024, 4:46 pm

In general, it's wise to avoid words like "rude" and "selfish" when describing family members.

Is there another way to describe what's happening? Socially inappropriate?

Perhaps there's a middle ground between biting your tongue, and blowing up?

If you were to come up with a set of rules for young marrieds, what would they look like? Would she be capable of following them? If not, are there logical consequences that are appropriate for a young adult?

amother

Bluebonnet

Mon, Mar 18 2024, 5:11 pm

amother Antiquewhite wrote:

Too bad she doesn't have children yet, because then you could point out that her children will mimic her example and come to treat her the way she treats you.

Please no. Just no. This is passive aggressive. And why would you wish bad on your child? You feel that you're suffering so you want her to go through the same thing? This type of talk doesn't make people change. It gets them mad and defensive.

Say what you mean and mean what you say. Express your feelings respectfully and draw boundaries as needed. Be a role model of polite, fair, and respectful behavior.

amother

Taupe

Mon, Mar 18 2024, 8:19 pm

My brother got married last year. He is so self absorbed and wife-absorbed, it is so so irritating. It really feels like he believes he deserves the world. My parents and his in laws are supporting him while he starts out learning and he totally doesn’t act with respect toward my parents and it drives me nuts! It feels so wrong. Vent over, just thought that your post reminded me of him! Young and entitled. I think they’ll grow up though….. I hope….