10 year old isn't emotionally regulated

amother

Mon, Mar 25 2024, 11:49 pm

My 10 year old can be the most well behaved child in school but at home, the tiniest thing can set her off and she'll burst out crying, screaming, can even hit me when gets into this mode. It can be something small like telling her the toddler used her slushy cup and I'll freeze it for her for later. I thought I was being nice, but it all backfired. A bystander can think her world just ended. Any advice?

amother

Seablue

Tue, Mar 26 2024, 1:02 am

I’m listening to Dr Becky for advice on emotional regulation. I just started a workshop today.

amother

Seablue

Tue, Mar 26 2024, 1:03 am

A couple of years ago an OT did craniosacral on my son for this and I think it helped BH.

amother

DarkGray

Tue, Mar 26 2024, 7:20 am

Does she have anxiety?

In general emotional dysregulation means nervous system dysregulation - a nervous system stuck in fight-flight. Inflammation is probably the most common cause for this. And chronic infections are the most common cause of inflammation.

amother

Marigold

Tue, Mar 26 2024, 8:12 am

Sounds like she needs you to help her with her intense feelings, when she cries and behaves as though her world is falling apart, try and sympathise, that's exactly how it feels to her in her young child mind. Even just saying the words, it feels like the world is falling apart but it's okay, should help her. Just show her you get it, and that she isn't alone with her overwhelming feelings. She'll soon learn to use these tools on her own. But for now she needs you to do it for/with her.

amother

Tue, Mar 26 2024, 8:13 am

amother DarkGray wrote:

She is anxious. How would I know if there's inflammation?

NotInNJMommy

Tue, Mar 26 2024, 8:14 am

Also worth considering it’s puberty hormones contributing too. I’ve seen so many tweens and young teens who are just these little bodies full of chemicals (hormones) just melting down.

amother

Tue, Mar 26 2024, 8:18 am

amother Marigold wrote:

I've been doing this for a while. When she was 6,7,8... I kept thinking she'll mature and grow out of it but she's big now. The hitting is what's hardest for me as the parent.

amother

Tue, Mar 26 2024, 8:24 am

NotInNJMommy wrote:

Also worth considering it’s puberty hormones contributing too. I’ve seen so many tweens and young teens who are just these little bodies full of chemicals (hormones) just melting down.

Cpuld be but I don't think so. It's not a new behavior.

amother

Marigold

Tue, Mar 26 2024, 9:36 am

amother OP wrote:

I've been doing this for a while. When she was 6,7,8... I kept thinking she'll mature and grow out of it but she's big now. The hitting is what's hardest for me as the parent.

If this has been going on for years, has something changed recently that's made you write about it here? Is the hitting new?

amother

Slategray

Tue, Mar 26 2024, 9:42 am

I have a son like this and he's already 12. It's very tough. But I like to discuss his outbursts/tantrums after the fact, once he's calmed down. And then discuss how to react the next time something like this happens.

They need to comprehend what happened and see if their reaction was appropriate. This will set them with proper tools going forward.

amother

DarkGray

Tue, Mar 26 2024, 9:45 am

amother Slategray wrote:

A lot of dysregulated kids are not able to have these discussions. It sends them straight to fight-flight.

amother

DarkGray

Tue, Mar 26 2024, 9:48 am

amother OP wrote:

She is anxious. How would I know if there's inflammation?

With anxiety very often the meltdowns are due to extreme distress at things not going according to the script in their head.

You can do an ibuprphen trial to check if inflammation is driving her behaviors. Give ibuprophen every 6 hours for 3 days. If behaviors improve you'll know that inflammation is a piece. Then you can start looking for and addressing the causes of the inflammation.

amother

Tue, Mar 26 2024, 2:01 pm

amother DarkGray wrote:

So interesting. I'm going to run this by my pediatrician. Thank you
Also it's so true about things not going according to the script she planned in her mind. But she'll erupt and then lose herself and by then I can't talk rationally to her.

amother

Tue, Mar 26 2024, 2:05 pm

amother Marigold wrote:

If this has been going on for years, has something changed recently that's made you write about it here? Is the hitting new?

Nothing new. Just got to a point where she's not growing out of it. Like when she was small I thought I could talk her thru it and teach her to manage these big emotions but she's getting physically bigger and the behavior didn't get better so it's more of a problem.
I should note that she's amazing in school. Only melts down at home and 95% it's when I'm there, not with dh.

amother

Copper

Tue, Mar 26 2024, 2:20 pm

amother OP wrote:

I have this too with dd12. Over 10 years of meltdowns. Only at home. Mostly with me, not dh.

Not the only solution, but work on your relationship with her. Really really work on it.
Remind yourself you love her. Give her space when needed. Daven.

#BestBubby

Tue, Mar 26 2024, 2:21 pm

amother OP wrote:

DD tantrums by you because you are rewarding it in some way.

DD CAN control herself as she does in school and with your DH.

I would leave the room to give it no attention.

Success10

Tue, Mar 26 2024, 2:28 pm

#BestBubby wrote:

DD tantrums by you because you are rewarding it in some way.

DD CAN control herself as she does in school and with your DH.

I would leave the room to give it no attention.

She's bottling it up all day and at some point explodes in her safe space. Just because she can conrol it some of the day doesn't mean she can control it forever.

mha3484

Tue, Mar 26 2024, 2:29 pm

Have you read the explosive child? I think it could really help you. www.livesinthebalance.org has a lot of good info under their parent section.