Disciplining other people’s kids

amother

Babyblue

Wed, Mar 27 2024, 2:05 pm

amother DarkOrange wrote:

My front porch somehow became a gathering place for the kids on the block, and I have a rule no eating on the porch. There was just too much garbage being left. One neighbors kids brought their dinner on the front porch every day, even after I repeatedly told the mother that I don't allow eating on the porch. So finally one day I told the kids "we don't allow food on here, please go home to eat."
Afew moment later, I hear a knock on my door, I open the door to see the neighbors kids empty dinner plates & trash on the stoop, and at that moment I got a text from the mother "please don't boss my kids"!
I couldn't get over it. I don't think I'll ever forget this.
This is how a mother that doesn't allow others to talk to her kids looks like.......

That’s crazy!!

amother

Khaki

Wed, Mar 27 2024, 2:06 pm

amother Plum wrote:

Bothering my kid, I absolutely tell them to leave my kid alone. Real danger like running in front of cars I’ll say something to the mother or go get the kid myself. Danger that is based on different standards I’ll ignore.

This is my philosophy too.
I have a SIL who tells my kids what to do and not to do (harmless things like eating snacks or not cleaning up after themselves) in my own house, when DH or I are present, and when it has nothing to do with her kids. It drives me bananas. Telling her to stop didn’t do anything except insult her. So I had to tell my kids that they don’t have to listen to her, which isn’t something I wanted to do but they were getting upset.

amother

Wandflower

Wed, Mar 27 2024, 2:08 pm

If I see a child doing something objectively dangerous (not going on monkey bars, but riding a bike without a helmet or running into the street for a ball) I should keep my mouth shut? This may not be my physical child but we are one family. We SHOULD care. We SHOULD say something.

One of the things I love about Israel is that random people will stop you and tell you your baby is cold or hot. Not because they are bossy or trying to criticize you, but because they CARE!!!

And while I wouldn't say to a child "you can only take one cookie," I absolutely would say "These cookies are for everyone to share. Should we leave some for the others?" If all adults are expecting mentchlichkeit, kids will learn faster.

Same with if a child is bothering another child. We're not doing kids a favor by letting them think that if Mommy isn't watching I can do whatever I want and nobody will say a thing.

Bnei Berak 10

Wed, Mar 27 2024, 2:09 pm

malky800 wrote:

I have learnt the hard way. I would never ever discipline another person's child. It's none of my business.

If he is bothering me like the story of the kid who smacked you, or the child is hurting my own child, I ask them to stop and take my child away to protect my child . That's not discplining a child.
Discipline is telling the child 'you should not be smacking', or 'dont' run in the street'
That's not my job.

Any way, I have difficult children and I parent them my own way , whether or not you agree with it.
Come talk to me about it, but do not ever approach my child on your own and tell them what you think they should do.

Sorry, this is a huge pet peeve of mine.
Just because you see my child without a helmet, does not give you the right to go over to them and remind them that they should be wearing one.

I agree , it's 100% dangerous to be driving a bike without it, but at that moment , where my child is holding, gives another parent no right to tell him that except his own.

I was at a kiddush, and a kid was taking a few cookies from the tray. An older lady went to the kid and said, 'Little girl, you should only be taking 1 cookie'. ( I agree the kid should not be taking all the cookies on the tray ), but hey lady, none of your beeswax! Now the mother is mortified to ever look at that lady again.

Sorry, I am venting . Just please look the other way.

How is it OK for a kid to take more than one cookie? The kiddush is for other people too, right? How can it be OK to take too many and maybe leave nothing to other guests? And no, why should people look the other way? Why? Because for some parents it's the easiest but it isn't right.
How about teaching your kids basic manners?

Bnei Berak 10

Wed, Mar 27 2024, 2:12 pm

amother Khaki wrote:

Why don't you tell your kids to clean up after a snack?

amother

Amber

Wed, Mar 27 2024, 2:13 pm

tweety1 wrote:

Same here. Danger or wrong? It's not my child. Bothering my child? Different story.

If the child is doing something dangerous, it 100% is your responsibility.
As a yid, seeing another yiddish kind in danger behooves you to act!

I've disciplined mothers for not watching their kids rather than disciplined kids. 😅

I'm the dumb lady who will go over and ask the mothers why they are in the park or outside "supervising" if they aren't even keeping their kids safe.
I've grabbed too many kids out of the street last second in my old neighborhood because the mother let a 9 yo watch their toddlers. (Some 9 yo can be responsible. My own 9yo is amazing at it. But we have a big front lawn and kid basically stays in the swing or plays with 9yo and 9yo is constantly focused on 1.5 yo. Not 9yo playing with her friend and 'keeping an eye' on 1.5 yo. )

One of the reasons I was so happy to move so from the old neighborhood. Every few months there was another kid hit. Usually they were ok. One time a kid got his leg crushed. Was months until he was able to walk again. And even then it was a miracle.

If a kid is bothering my kid, I'd tell the kid "no" or stop to make him stop. Usually having a stranger adult tell you atop makes the kids stop. But if the kid will come back again and again I will tell the mom. If that doesn't help I def will discipline!
One of my neighbors does not raise her kids. They sort of grow up somehow. She feeds them, dresses them and that's about it.
Her then 3 yo was bothering my 2 yo. Again and again and again. I kpw telling her no. Asked the mother to intervene. Nothithing. The kid kept doing it right in front of both of us. She was just ignoring it. Then she picked up a kiddi chair and was gonna throw it at my kid. I got up and have her a VERY stern talking to and took her chair away.
She cried. The mother was upset at me. 😡
And if your wondering most of her kids are the bullys on the block.

Another time my then 1 yo bit another kid on the playground after that kid threw her off her bike. That kid would bother my kid often. She was 2 years older than mine and should have known better. I did not expect her to bite. When I realized what was happening But before I was Physically able to run over to grab my kid, the other kids mother jumped up and ran over and slapped my kids face so hard it got swollen!!! She saw the entire interaction. I was interacting for a sec with my other kid. The lady was perfectly fine w her 3 yo who was 3x my kids age and 3x my kids size to bully my kid for my kids own bike.... has she intervened....
I remember thinking the mother deserved the bite AND the potch.
It's been 7 years. I don't think I've forgiven her. And yes her kids were just as crazy as her.

amother

Babyblue

Wed, Mar 27 2024, 2:22 pm

amother Sand wrote:

at the purim seudah. a little boy, probably around 4 faced me and said " I hate you, I hate you, I hate you". I was a little taken aback but tried to ignore it. later he picked his hand up and literally smacked me. his mother didn't see. I wasn't sure what to do. It didn't hurt or anything and he wasn't near my kids but still, I asked my dh and he told me to tell the mother so I did. she whispered to him and got him to say he was sorry. She commented that she gets calls from the school about him and is grateful he hasn't been kicked out yet....

This sounds like everyone handled it well. If it was my kid, I’d appreciate that you told me rather than discipline him because there’s obviously a lot going on.

I have a sil who will sometimes discipline my kids (it’s part of her personality) and I admit I do get defensive, but I’d only step in if I thought she was outright wrong.

For myself, I’d discipline another kid if they were bothering mine and the parents weren’t around, but I can only think of one time I actually needed to do it.

momof2+?

Wed, Mar 27 2024, 2:24 pm

Whatever happened to “it takes a village to raise a child”?
If you were facing the other direction and your young child ran in the street, wouldn’t you want me to run and get them before there’s an accident?
If another kid was acting not nice/mean to yours, you’d prefer me to ignore it and let your child deal with it?
I don’t usually see attentive parents ignoring their children’s not nice behavior. It’s usually the mothers sitting outside with their kids watching the rest of the neighborhoods children who get berated for sticking up for their kids when the kids acting mean don’t have a parent watching them. The parents probably feel guilty that their kid got told off by another adult- but really the kid needed to be told, but the parent wasn’t there. Oh well, next time you be there supervising and take care of it yourself.

amother

Outerspace

Wed, Mar 27 2024, 4:39 pm

amother Amber wrote:

She SLAPPED your one year old?!?!?
Oh gosh, I’m scared I would have reflex b!tch slapped her right back!

BatZion

Wed, Mar 27 2024, 11:38 pm

Oh, cultural differences.
Welcome to my Israeli yishuv where women most definitely tell other children off. I do too. Particularly when they're doing something dangerous but even when not.
When the culture is that you all hang out in the park for hours in the summer together, eat together, play together, chat together and all the kids play together then yes there is a sense of responsibility and caring for other kids. People genuinely care about each other.
Downside? There are also extreme cases of parents being so laid-back about their kids playing around the yishuv at all times of day and night and they don't discipline them and if you DARE try saying something, you're in trouble. Or the other extreme when a woman sharply tells your child off for his (midly not nice) language and it makes you cringe and wonder if it was really her place. Etc.
I feel like it's a very different culture in such a community, and, on the whole, I do appreciate the feeling that people genuinely care and keep an eye out for each other's kids.