Saying no to kids for selfish reasons

amother

Hawthorn

Tue, Mar 26 2024, 11:14 pm

Regarding mm item: I would share. Honestly, if it's something I like that much I would buy it again for myself.
Regarding lettuce: I would let her have the lettuce and ask her to help me check more. I think this is a family thing and I would not hold a child back from using it.

tichellady

Tue, Mar 26 2024, 11:24 pm

There’s no one answer. I say push yourself a bit and be generous but it’s ok to say no sometimes. Make sure you are saying yes more than no. You can also model compromise, like “ we can make salad without lettuce or can you help me wash some lettuce on Sunday etc”.

Are you an oldest child? I’m just curious

Bnei Berak 10

Wed, Mar 27 2024, 4:12 am

amother Poppy wrote:

I'd probably share the lettuce. But keep the great.
Because for my kid it's not just the lettuce, it's the social experience. I'd probably keep a bit of lettuce for myself for that day or the next day until I can check more.
(Personally I buy prechecked. But id probably not give it all away.)

Re the goodies, my kids got more MM than I did! I showed them that those few goodies I got is for dh and me. One kid very badly wanted the peanut chews my sister sent. It was just 2 pcs. I let her have it. But the yummy gourmet chocolates my friend made, I kept to myself. She begged and cried. She screamed and tantrumed. No. No.

If you keep giving away all this stuff you work hard to prepare for yourself and/or your gifts, or other things that are precious to you.
If you always say yes, your children won't appreciate you more instead they will expect more and not be happier at all.

I'm working hard now undoing the monster I created by saying yes all the time. Buy giving everything always.
It's an uphill battle. With lots of tears. But we're getting they.

Stay strong. You are doing the right thing.

amother

Wed, Mar 27 2024, 7:49 am

It's interesting to me that many of you are saying keep the MM, share the lettuce. The MM was a food I don't buy so often because it's on the pricier side. But it's available locally and I COULD buy it- it's replaceable.

My time spent checking lettuce is not easily replaceable- it was a job I thought I'd gotten out of the way for the week and now would have to fit back in somewhere. I can't buy checked lettuce where I live and DD can't check lettuce (doesn't know how, also under bas mitzvah so no help to teach her yet...). If it was just DD wanting a portion for herself I'd say yes without hesitation. This was my entire stock that could have lasted the week getting finished in one go, it was a lot harder to say yes to. I hear the point about it being a social thing in this case. The scenario actually happened twice, once I said no and the other time I said yes and I didn't feel super great about either choice.

Elfrida

Wed, Mar 27 2024, 8:12 am

So teach her to check it. Yes, she's under Bat Mitzvah, so you'll have to be there doing it with her, but she'll know what's involved. If she wants to use it for her friends, she has to help you check more.

If you teach her now, as soon as she is Bat Mitzvah she'll be able to go ahead independently.

amother

Yellow

Wed, Mar 27 2024, 9:05 am

amother OP wrote:

I'm not, but now I'm curious... why do you ask? And would a tendency to say yes or a tendency to say no in these situations be more in line with being the oldest?

Funny cuz I am an oldest (my husband is too) and neither of us have an issue boundary setting

amother

Opal

Wed, Mar 27 2024, 9:36 am

amother Oleander wrote:

I’d personally resent my mother if she didn’t share things this small and simple…

an hour spent on checking lettuce is not small or simple.
out of curiosity I asked my dd who is 13 her thoughts. she said keep the lettuce for yourself. seemed like a no brainer to her. she did differentiate between the family and her friends. it sounded like she thought I should share with the family but not with her friends but we didn't get in to that so much.. the shaloch manos she was more torn about but that's also because she wants it and is annoyed that when I share with her I also share with her sisters and then it's really not so much but that's not due to me not sharing but because I'm not very popular so there were very few "adult" shaloch manos.

amother

Ghostwhite

Wed, Mar 27 2024, 9:49 am

I wonder if I'm doing it right. The rule in my house for parents and siblings is that your allowed.to have your own treats but if you know somone
Would want it very badly either share a small piece or don't eat in front of them. Is that making my kids spoiled?

In both examples I would say sorry you can't have it, it's mine but I would then put out of sight. I would not sit in front of my kid eating it. even if she's 12, 13...

I shared my small chocolate mishloach man's with my older daughter and my 9 year old came over to see what her sister had. The 9 year old was upset she wanted chocolate too. I told my older daughter really she should give the younger one a peice because she's not quiet enough. She could try quickly putting it out of sight and I will try telling the younger sister she can't have.

amother

Pink

Wed, Mar 27 2024, 9:59 am

I would model how I would want them to respond.
If a child asks me, I would say..."that does look so yummy, I was really excited about eating it too. When I eat it, I will give you a piece bec I love u so much".
I guess they are learning, bec when they get something chocolate (which they know is my favorite) they break off a small piece for me( I never ask...its unprompted) I often say " its ok sweetie, you can keep it its urs, but they want me to take it so badly..its really precious.

tichellady

Wed, Mar 27 2024, 10:01 am

amother OP wrote:

I'm not, but now I'm curious... why do you ask? And would a tendency to say yes or a tendency to say no in these situations be more in line with being the oldest?

Totally anecdotal. I find my husband who is an oldest has a harder time sharing with the kids but it comes very naturally to me. But that doesn’t make it a rule or mean it’s only because of our birth order

MiracleMama

Wed, Mar 27 2024, 10:02 am

I would never say no on the lettuce. I'm so happy when my kids want to eat healthy. And I'm trying to think of what would be so special in a MM that I wouldn't give it (or at least share it) and replace for myself later if I want it so badly. I can't think of one thing. Maybe some exotic specialty food that can not be purchased in this country? Even then, I'd share.

I think there is a case for recognizing ourselves as people with needs and boundaries (I'm big on insisting upon quiet, uninterrupted time when necessary), but food has never been a part of that for me. It would feel petty. But maybe to another person they would think me telling my kids I'm not available for the next 20 minutes while I sit and drink my coffee is petty, so to each their own.

amother

Wed, Mar 27 2024, 10:15 am

MiracleMama wrote:

So again, I would not say no on the lettuce to my own kids, it's hard for me to have it all get used up at once on a bunch of friends though.

As far as the MM you're right, it's not that big a deal. If I was actively eating it I'd for sure have offered a piece. She saw it sitting on the counter and requested the whole bag, and had already asked me the day before for two other things I'd saved for myself from MM which I'd let her have, and I barely saved anything for myself from MM in the first place while she has bins full of stuff she likes. Again... still not the biggest deal and maybe I should have let her have it. Just wondering if/when it's ok to say no on these things.

singleagain

Wed, Mar 27 2024, 10:33 am

amother OP wrote:

The fact that you already said yes. A lot of times means that it's totally fine to say no.

I think it really depends on the frequency of the no. You shouldn't be saying no all the time, but on the other hand you shouldn't be saying yes all the time either.

Bnei Berak 10

Wed, Mar 27 2024, 10:47 am

amother OP wrote:

Btw. I'm pretty sure that if DD DID know how to check lettuce and I said she could use it only if she checked more, she'd find something else for shalosh seudos instead 😜

So she will pass on the lettuce if she has to check it, right? Then I would say it's entirely yours OP. An hour of checking is an hour, not a five minute thing.

amother

Ecru

Wed, Mar 27 2024, 11:12 am

amother OP wrote:

I completely agree with this. I'm surprised at all of the responses.