Is non-vaxxing a reason to nix a shidduch? Poll

amother

Charcoal

Sun, Mar 31 2024, 9:48 pm

amother Crocus wrote:

Great question, I'm really missing something here, wayyyyyy more ppl would nix a Shidduch cause a parent is anti-vax (often it's one parent) than if the girl has been through trauma, rehab, meds. Wow. I can assure you there are many young adults my SIL included who are open to vaccinations even though they weren't brought up that way.
PS Our mechutanim are the nicest most normal people, lucky I didn't know about all the red flags I was supposed to look out for. And there are many more people like them.

I don’t think these polls are a reflection of real life. If the girl is also wealthy or gorgeous , smart, and willing to support your learning boy for life in addition to being anti vax, suddenly people would be more open to it.

amother

Aster

Sun, Mar 31 2024, 10:48 pm

100% it is. They have an attitude toward health that is fundamentally different from yours, and this difference does not bode well for future harmony. Nor does it bode well for the good health of your son and his future children. And yours! Would you want an unvaccinated dil and her unvaccinated children coming to you for YomTovim as you get older and your immune system declines? Do you want to mingle with your unvaccinated mechutanim and their unvaccinated children at family simchas?

Even if the young woman disagrees with her parents and intends to get her full complement of shots as soon as she leaves her parents' home, the rest of her family will still pose a threat to your health and that of the rest of your family.

amother

Milk

Sun, Mar 31 2024, 11:02 pm

amother Aster wrote:

IOW you are a militant vaxxer.

I'd avoid that too, there are too many variables in life, and someone who is so extreme that they would avoid a healthy but unvaccinated grandchild would be difficult to deal with.

You do know that even those who do vaccinate can be carrying diseases. Some vaccines protect the one who is vaccinated from serious illness but allow them to be a carrier and transmit it to others. Some vaccines wear off and most people are not on top of boosters.

You also might know that not every non-vaxxer starts out that way. Some stop vaccinating because their child has bad reactions. Would you really ostracize your child and grandchild if they changed their opinion due to experience?

(Militant vaxxers and militant anti-vaxxers are just two sides of the same coin. Very extreme inflexible beliefs, unwilling to hear contradictory evidence, and a strong belief that they are 100% right and everyone who believes differently than them is going to die or kill others.)

lakewood mom

Sun, Mar 31 2024, 11:21 pm

amother Aster wrote:

I’m just curious… you wrote “ nor does it bode well for the good health of your son and his future children… “
I’m so curious. Based on your research- how are people that don’t vaccinate a threat to you? How will “the rest of her family pose a threat to your health?” What research did YOU do that you can be sure about this? You speak so strongly- please elaborate!

lakewood mom

Sun, Mar 31 2024, 11:41 pm

amother Honey wrote:

I personally was upset to see my antivax friends do or suggest dishonest things out of desperation in order to get their kids into school.
Now I understand school is important but so is common sense and honesty and certain lines should just never be crossed.

Not everyone who chooses not to vax does what your friend did. Each state has different rules, and not everyone faces the same challenges. That being said, many parents ask Shailos and believe it or not are told to do that. When someone feels that it is against “vnishmartem” to vaccinate their children and is a real risk for their health, they will do what it entails to keep their children healthy. BH you never faced such a challenge and are fully honest in all areas in your life… but until you’re in someone’s shoes you cannot judge. And again- this isn’t a red flag, for this isn’t most people who choose not to vaccinate.
FYI- all the recent cases of ponzi schemes in our frum communities… they all vaccinate their children.

amother

Babypink

Mon, Apr 01 2024, 2:28 am

amother Aster wrote:

This is the perfect example of who should never consider a shidduch from an anti vax family, it would never work no matter how many other details align. And likewise for those to this extremely strong stance to the other side of things.

But there are more chilled people between the two bookends. For those people its perfectly logical not to rule out a shidduch based on this topic.

lakewood mom

Mon, Apr 01 2024, 10:54 am

amother Freesia wrote:

No, I would not do a shidduch with a non-vaxxing family. But as a mother of kids in shidduchim, I'm wondering if this is something people ask outright in their shidduch research ("Do they vaccinate their kids?") or if it's info that people volunteer when you're doing general research on a family....

Do most people ask the question outright?

Just out of curiosity- why wouldn’t you do a shidduch with a family that doesn’t vaccinate?
Do you have a researched honest answer why you wouldn’t- or are you just “spitting back” info that was indoctrinated in our system of the bad anti vaxxers.
I’m so curious if anyone stops and thinks for themselves anymore. Everyone is so quick to just repeat what they’ve been told. I wonder if anyone looks into anything- would they be surprised with what they discover.
People do soooo much research when it comes to Shidduchim- do you do any research as to why you wouldn’t want to do a shidduch with someone who doesn’t vaccinate?
People who choose not to vaccinate did a lot more research on the subject matter than you do for your shidduchim. They are well informed and quite educated. Just saying.

amother

Wandflower

Mon, Apr 01 2024, 12:58 pm

lakewood mom wrote:

From the perspective of someone being on the vaxxing side because that was what I was told to do and informed by doctors over the years and never knew to question it and never did-
To being on the other side when covid happened - experiencing negative side effects from the vax - to where I stand now as a staunch “anti vaxxer,” I will tell you, the amount of knowledge and research I have absorbed in my brain in the last three years is mind blowing.
I never ever for one second thought I was supposed to question it. I never thought for a second that I was allowed to.
I did it because that’s what everyone did. And the people who didn’t - I never pushed myself away from them or looked down at them, but I did question myself why they wouldn’t vaccinate.
As you posted earlier - to echo it. Do you think I want to be on the hated side? Don’t think I want people to look at me like I’m crazy or won’t want your child to marry mine because I am batSh— crazy bonkers about vaccines?
We are regular people. I just am very very very informed about many things I wasn’t and wish I had been.
If that will turn you away from your child marrying mine, it’s meant to be and it’s just part of the filtering system to find the right person for my child.
Because for as much as I know now, no, I wouldn’t want my child going out with yours. No, if your child was Covid vaccinated it’s a HUGE no-no for us.
If you’re pro poisoning your children - nope, not for me.
I’m glad we got that out of the way.

Lakewood mom, you sound like a reasonable knowledgeable person. I respect that and it’s nice to hear a voice of reason here. People just spitting out things they heard from everywhere else. Empty information.

It’s not easy to be in the position I’m in, but I’d suffer like this rather than be how I was a million times over.

I’m quite surprised the number of people whose views have changed since Covid seem very minimal here on imamother. Because in the rest of the world - people are not so trusting anymore.

lakewood mom

Mon, Apr 01 2024, 1:59 pm

amother Wandflower wrote:

My background is incredibly similar to yours! What’s strange is that by nature- I’m a questioner, learner, and always wanting to understand. Somehow with vaccines- there was a blind trust- except for HPV. That made zero sense, so I didn’t give it. And I’ll admit- I had a judgy attitude to people that didn’t vaccinate (though all in my head…). Not once did I stop and think what do they know that I don’t. Why are they choosing to go against the narrative? They want what’s best for their kids- so why are they doing this? We are so indoctrinated- that we fell for it hook, line and sinker.
That’s why I respectfully ask these questions to those here who are so against those who don’t vaccinate. I just want to start planting some seeds for them to think about. Break out of the indoctrination. I’m not saying you shouldn’t vaccinate your kids; be open minded not to have so much misplaced hatred to those who don’t. They know information that you don’t. They did research that you didn’t. They took the more challenging route.
ETA: most people I know are a lot more vaccine hesitant since Covid. For some reason, the women on imamother love the covid vaccine…

amother

Milk

Mon, Apr 01 2024, 2:08 pm

amother Wandflower wrote:

Just to point out, the bolded is the type of extreme language that turns people off.

Some people vaccinated for covid so they could visit elderly relatives. They may or may not have later regretted it, but I don't think saying that they "poison their children" is fair.

You used to vaccinate. So your kids are more "poisoned" than mine. I wouldn't use that as a reason to avoid a shidduch.

amother

Narcissus

Mon, Apr 01 2024, 2:40 pm

My husband and I both grew up in very medical minded homes.
I remember on dates I told my husband that I think modern medicine was made to use and help us and anyone stupid enough to try going holistic is suffering for no reason.

Took us a few bad medical experiences to make a 360 turn and become crunchy and weird people. Our parents aren’t happy about our medical choices but we do what works for us.

I care about a lot more important things in my kids shidduchim than medical ideology… but I understand if other people care.

Worst case my daughter or DIL will choose to birth with an epidural and vaccinate her newborn. If my married children make their own decisions but have good shalom bayis and work together to raise their family I’ll have no complaints.

amother

Wandflower

Mon, Apr 01 2024, 3:08 pm

amother Milk wrote:

My poor kids are poisoned Sad

Hopefully their immune systems can and will recover.
I wish I knew what I know now.
I did not covid vaccinate them.
But I did have two kids after I was vaccinated - so im not sure what effect that will have on their future.

Trademark

Mon, Apr 01 2024, 4:58 pm

lakewood mom wrote:

For all the “hugs” given to my posts- why aren’t you brave enough to come out and say what you feel?! I asked a few ppl to share their research. Crickets. No surprises there.

It's not about the research.

Like I said it's a red flag for other things. For example like extremist and or black and white thinking. Thinking that they are smarter than everyone else. Zero regard for authority/experts like doctors and rabbis. It often comes along with conspiracy theories. Often they put the ideology before yiddishkeit, common sense, or what's good for their children.

Some of the posters here who are anti-vax use extreme language, are extremely overbearing, and think everyone else is unenlightened.

Of course not everyone is like that but it often goes together. That's why people are wary. It's not only about not vaccinating it's also about the entire ideology that comes with it.