DS Calmer when Older DS is Away...Normal?

mimivan

Sun, Nov 02 2008, 3:26 am

Hi...I'm not posting anon because it is a waste of time...people figure me out anyway (I have to give excuses why I DON"T post anon LOL

)

5 year old ds and dh went overseas for two weeks. I was having trouble with younger ds in gan because the ganenette said he was hitting alot, biting and taking toys away. I was really afraid of what would happen when ds and dh went away, because I was worried my ds' behavior would be much worse and he would get kicked out of gan (older ds, when he was 2, was an aggressive type who got kicked out --he had speech problems and it frustrated him --, so I guess I am carrying that with me)

the ganenette told me that my son's behavior was perfect this past week Very Happy

but at the same time Scratching Head

.She says he plays nicely with the kids now.

Is it normal that my 2 year old is calmer when his father and brother are away? He loves his Abba, but his older brother annoys him, takes toys away from him constantly and sometimes hits him...I try to be there to "police" them but I can't always be...

What do you suggest I do to help younger ds maintain his good behavior when his older brother gets back? Is it normal for a kid to behave dramatically better when he is not having to deal with his siblings (I.e. in gan or school, not at home)..I can't set them up in separate apartments LOL

I guess I have to sit with them the entire time they are home, right? Great idea, I like the idea of "quality time" but sometimes I have to get up and do something (get dinner etc..)and I'm afraid if older ds feels like he is being "watched" he might dafka bug his younger ds when I turn my back...

need some advice.

Mrs.K

Sun, Nov 02 2008, 3:44 am

Interesting...on a smaller scale I noticed the same thing recently. My middle son (4) can be an angel, and he can also be a terror. This past friday my son was sick so he stayed home from school to go the doctor. The other kids were all in school and my son got to be alone with my husband and I while we took him to the doctor, shopped for shabbos and cooked. He was literally a different boy. Even hours later I kept on feeling the difference in the way he was listening and behaving. He told me afterward that he likes being along with Mommy and Daddy because when he's with the others, "they bother him". (Mind you, he does his fair share of bothering as well.)

I am going to try to make this a more regular routine, that everyone gets to spend some alone time with us because I think I've been underestimating it's importance of the individual attention. Aside from that, there's not much more we can do...

grin

Sun, Nov 02 2008, 3:59 am

yes, it's totally normal, if you still had any doubts. At least, it may help calm you down that his misbehavior is mostly jealousy. Yes, individual attention for each is a solution - I've noticed that I need to work on myself to look at the child speaking to me instead of at whatever I'm in the middle of doing at the time and also to try that they not interrupt each other.

good luck! and B"H at least now he's getting lots of quality time with you.

mimivan

Sun, Nov 02 2008, 4:14 am

Okay, going forward (office lingo for "from now on"...just picked that one up recently..I guess it sounds more "positive") is "quality time" with each one a better strategy than just sitting with them all evening and helping them work through their conflicts...or a bit of both...I would love to consolidate two year old ds' progress and would hate to see a decline when his older brother comes home.

(I don't know if sitting with them the entire evening is so practical because of dinner, cleaning up etc..but if it is a good idea, it is worth a try)

and 10 minutes with each on individual would also require coordinating with dh prior planning etc...but wondering which is more effective.

e1234

Sun, Nov 02 2008, 4:36 am

I have this as well. It' probably very normal. If my older 2 kids are out my house gets so quiet...
I go to a chinuch shiur and she strongly advocates 10 minutes with each kid just focusing on them. (It doesn't have to be alone but your just focusing on that child for the full 10 minutes.)

I would also suggest maybe getting your second ds a toy of his own or something that he feels is his own.
I don't know how old he is but maybe buy him something as a reward for his good behavior and make a big deal out of it.

Ima'la

Sun, Nov 02 2008, 5:15 am

Perhaps younger ds is acting up to get attention - but when older bro is not around, he gets it anyway and doesn't need to act up.

Many parenting coaches recommend giving each child some personal alone time, so that probably is a good idea, as much as you can fit it in. (Even a little time, if more is hard.)

Also try to invite friends for them and have them go to friends. If one boy has a friend over, he can be occupied with the friend and you can play a game or something with the other ds.

Something I tried when I got fed up of my kids fighting all the time: a small reward when they are playing nicely together. I try to catch them at it, and reward them. (I give each of them a single winkie - we call them "shalom candies.") To my surprise, I really noticed a difference!