How do I use this as a teachable moment?

Aribenj

Tue, Feb 24 2009, 11:32 am

3.5 year old DD is attatched to her little stuffed ducky. She takes it everywhere even though I've already told her she's going to lose it. If I insist she's ok with it and kisses it good bye and leaves it home. Well yesterday I was too tired to deal, so I let her bring it along with her to the playground, and we left it in the stroller while we went to play. When it was time to go home, her ducky was gone. We looked all over for it and we couldn't find it. It was so strange because aside from her and a friend, (who looked in her stuff too) the park was deserted, so I don't know who could have taken it.

She is such a calm, go with the flow, almost pushover kind of girl that she didn't cry, but she was definately sad about it and looked like she needed a hug all evening. She kept asking me where her ducky was all night, and I just felt so bad for her. I tried explaining to her that she left it in her stroller and someone must have taken it. She just said "ok, mommy" but she has such a sad little look on her face.

I should use this as a teacheable moment, I just don't know what to say. I want to make her feel better, I want to make it all ok. But I also want her to learn from this without being too harsh.

She was asking about her ducky this morning too. I thought of sneaking off to the store and getting her a new one, but she would notice it's not the same one. And she would care.

RachelEve14

Tue, Feb 24 2009, 12:27 pm

Oh gosh I'm so sorry. I don't have any words of advice. We went through it 2x and it was not fun Sad

Nechama lost her dubie one Shabbot. She was walking it in her stroller and we went inside a building and left it outside, it was gone. Some kid probably picked it up and by the time the parent realized it they didn't know where the child found it. We went to a friend for Sueda Shishi and her ds gave Nechama a little lamb. So she's had lamby ever since, but it wasn't easy.

Rena lost her teletubby when she was about 3.5. Same type of story (left it in a stroller outside shul on Rosh HaShana). My mother was coming 2 months later so I ordered a set of 4 teletubbys and Rena took the same color she had lost, and the other kids each got on. She knew tubby was lost and grammy brought her a new one though. And yes, now if they chose to take their things to the park we are a lot more careful about where we put them.

natmichal

Tue, Feb 24 2009, 12:33 pm

Actually, it seems to me as you;re doing the right thing: explaining her cause and consequence :she took ducky with her - even though she knows that ducky is safer at home- and ducky got lost. I get the impression that you're gently explaining to her what happened and not making it an "I told you so" which would def. be most unproductive. Be supportive and give her extra hugs, maybe make some "hashavat aveida" signs with her , explaining that there is only a small chance it will help, so she won't get her hopesup but will get the feeling that you both did as much as possible to get ducky back. You might want to say that ducky is so friendly that another kid who really needed such a nice ducky has it now, and emphasis on her being so big already/doing such a big mitzva that now another kid can enjoy this (again - try to assess if this would go well with your child!). It's also a way of explaining loss if chas vechalila you had one in the fanmily, but I wouldn't bring it up otherwise.
Do not buy another "fake" ducky - or anything else. She might feel she's betraying the real ducky and/or that you're betraying her by trying to get her a "cheap substitute". If you see she's having a herd time, you can explain that ducky will most probably not come back and hint/suggest that she could get a replacement for ducky - either another well loved toy she already have or a new one you could choose together. The fact that it won't be "behind her back" will make it ok, and you might want to decide together to wait till X just in case ducky comes home... Then you can decide together of how it's best to deal with ducky (no taking outside etc).
If she gets over it on her own - well, she made it a teachable moment all by herself, by learning to cope with a loss.
She a very young kid - so be gentle and although you should explain again and again WHY ducky is not with her, don't tell her that you told her so and she should have done what you told her, this way she'll know she always has YOU to rely on even when she does something "not right" (like taking ducky out... or anything worse)- that in itself is probably the most important thing of all.
behtslacha!

Aribenj

Wed, Feb 25 2009, 11:59 pm

Well it turned up. The lady who takes care of the playground found it and kept it for us. I went today to check and see if she had seen it, and there it was!

When dd came home I didn't tell her we found it. I wanted to empower her and I guess turn the experience into something useful.

So first we made signs with her ducky's picture on it and hung it all over the neighborhood (I took the signs down right away the second she turned around)
Then we "davened" (I told her to ask Hashem for help, which she did. As in: "Hashem, please help me find my ducky!" and that's it.)
And then we went around the neighborhood and she asked random people if they had seen it.
Earlier that day, I had asked the lady at the playground to keep it for us and when DD came to ask she should tell her she found it. So our last stop was the playground and DD (although usually painfully shy) by then had gotten used to asking the same question so she ran to the woman and asked her if she had seen it, and the lady smiled and gave it to her.
And when we came home, I put the Uncle Moishy DVD that has the hashovas Haveida song and we talked about how she felt when she lost something and when someone returned it to her and why it's such an important mitzvah.
I think I handled it ok. I feel like I'm missing something though.

DD was smiling from ear to ear all night. And she hasn't let go of that thing since she got it back. But at least all is right with the world again...

Thanks for your advice, everyone!