How do you handle the chutzpa of teenaged children????

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children

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amother

Thu, Mar 02 2006, 7:05 pm

Woooo.... am I boiling mad!!! My oldest daughter (who is in shidduchim age) is so fresh and chutzpedic to me!!!! How in the world does she ecxpect me to start looking for a shidduch for her if all I can say about her is BAD!!!!!! HELP!!!!!!

amother

Fri, Mar 03 2006, 9:56 am

ANYONE????????? shock

stem

Fri, Mar 03 2006, 10:05 am

Completely ignore her. Don't give her the satisfaction of seeing you blow up.

amother

Fri, Mar 03 2006, 10:14 am

Its pretty much obvious you wrote that in the moment. Get her married quick, now that's a solution! She'll learn on her own when she has her own kids one day, she's an adult now, can't think you'd have much success changing her now, so ignore it is probably your best option, you know like kids, in one ear out the other.

amother

Fri, Mar 03 2006, 10:30 am

Thank you STEM and AMOTHER for responding. Yes, I wrote it in the moment....I am still very hurt.. Crying

I guess I am very sensitive. Prob is, I have no energy to LOOK for a shidduch for her especially after she yells at me like this, so how do I get her married fast? Question

happymom

Fri, Mar 03 2006, 10:32 am

I think you should sit down and talk to her. communication is almost ALWAYS best! Ask her what is bothering her! ITs MUST be something or she wouldn't feel the need to act that way. I think after speaking about her thoughts and feeling... tell her that u understand totally and it must be hard but still she cant speak to u in a chutzpadik way. tell her how much it hurts u. tell her u really want to help her whenever there is a need, but if she speaks to u disrespectfully it makes it very hard. Give her a kiss and tell her you Love her tons!

amother

Fri, Mar 03 2006, 10:44 am

Happymom: I DID IT two weeks ago! It helpped for a while, now she is back to her ways... She has no patience for me, don't know why, I try to be very supportive and helpful, If she needs a ride somewhere I jump to attention at a moments notice, I do everything she ask me, I feel that I am walking on my tiptoes around her....
Now I cry a lot and my younger kids are very worried, mommy why are you crying???

amother

Fri, Mar 03 2006, 10:55 am

Amother3 here. Going through similar situation and no easy answer. You know she is frustrated and letting it out on you and yes it definitely makes it harder to look for a shidduch that way. What I try to do is think of her as others do who don't see her that way. Should we trade them for a week!!

proudmom

Fri, Mar 03 2006, 10:57 am

Amother, did anything drastically happen in her life that she is acting this way?

amother

Fri, Mar 03 2006, 11:02 am

Amother 3 again. Try not to tip toe around her. I now say [not all] what is on my tongue. Bottling it in is no good, let her see your frastration a bit.

amother

Fri, Mar 03 2006, 11:05 am

[q uote]Should we trade them for a week!![/quote]
Tongue Out

LOL
proudmom - NO....nothing at all, she is maybe doing too many babysitting jobs - this is the most stressful that I can think of Rolling Eyes

amother

Fri, Mar 03 2006, 11:08 am

A mother 3 - I am so happy you are helping me, do you yell back at her?

proudmom

Fri, Mar 03 2006, 11:08 am

Hmm I was thinking why dont you go for a girls night out. Just spend quality time with her once a week, so she will look forward to going out with you.

Tefila

Fri, Mar 03 2006, 12:12 pm

Quote:

Amother 3 again. Try not to tip toe around her. I now say [not all] what is on my tongue. Bottling it in is no good, let her see your frastration a bit.

Record it and later on when she is calm let her hear it back w/h your comments .
Have a one on one time and it could be though it's not fair or right to you she is frustrated with everything going on in her life and her outlet right now is you Sad

I'm not much help I know but just trying to give another perspective.
Could you perhaps give us an example especially you are on as amother of what she says that gets your blood boiling most What

chocolate moose

Fri, Mar 03 2006, 1:02 pm

It's really hard to be a mom, I know, but hang in there..........

Much naches! You'll get them IYH!

happymom

Fri, Mar 03 2006, 2:14 pm

I know, it works for a while because like anything else after making an effort, habit comes back and people do what comes natural. I think you should not tip tow around her and not take that kind of behavior. Tell her you care about her and would LOVe to speak to her and help her but NOT if she speaks to you this way and then walk away. Tell her.. you are very upset right now and I don't like to be yelled at so when u are able to speak calmly, come back to me and we can talk... keep doing this and mean it and I think eventually she will get the point that if she wont talk nicely shell be talking to the wall. (IF you dont respond, which I think is a good idea)

Also, I think its good at the end of each day or at least once in a while to have the type of conversations with her and both of u can think of ways to help her speak calmly and understand each other better, without yelling. Its important to realize that although YES its wrong to be chutzpadik, she is hurting inside and doesn't know how to express it! Good luck! I remember when I was a teenager so I can understand both sides.

raizy

Sat, Mar 04 2006, 11:20 pm

u said something about too many babysitting job. ? what do u want her to do when she is on those babysitting job . help clean the house?cook?watch your kids? techinically they are your kids. yes we demand the kids to help out but maybe u are demanding to much and the only way for her to get out is too babysit.

what u want is a free maid or cleaning services and then u get mad. and strat to think , I brought her up . I do x.y .z for her that why she should be on my beck and call always. that is a bit selfish and wrong. why cant u comprimise. one day in and one day out.

also do u treat her like a shidduch girl or do u treat her like a baby. do u exepct her to be home on time . etc . tell u everytime she leaves the house etc. some parents dont realize that their sons and daughter have grown up and still treat them like children!!!treat her like an adult and u will see the difference.

seniormom

Sat, Mar 04 2006, 11:57 pm

Original Amother:

Anyone who's saying that the solution is to tell her you love her and spend quality time together, etc., surely doesn't have a daughter like this. A young adult from a frum home who is of marriagiable age yet can't control her mouth or her temper has a problem that is long in the making.

At the very least she sounds manipulative, as in:

Quote:

If she needs a ride somewhere I jump to attention at a moments notice, I do everything she ask me, I feel that I am walking on my tiptoes around her....

I've been through this with one child and it's awful...communicating, loving, fun times together...they only help temporarily. Unfortunately, it doesn't get better with age either, because as they become more independent, they become more bold. I believe that outside therapy can help, but only if the child is willing, and too often such children are most resistant...but it's worth a try.

The scariest thing is that even if we are successful in marrying off our daughters (and I hope we are!!) that this type of issue will surely carry over into their marital home...basic personality traits don't usually disappear because someone gets married.

Stop jumping at her every demand; don't argue, just calmly state your position; and by all means, don't be afraid of her and feel like you're walking on eggs all the time (by the way, that is one of the hallmarks of abusive people when they try to control you). I've been there, done that...and while I keep davening that things will change, being overly "careful" and "solicitous" have not worked. I have found that, if anything, she has less respect for me when I do that.

The best you can do for her is to calmly try to get outside help...for her, if she'll go, and if not, then you go yourself. The best you can do for yourself, besides speaking to a professional for advice, is to regain your dignity and self-esteem as a Mother.

I keep reminding myself that Hashem only gives us what He thinks we can handle...you and I must be very strong women! Rolling Eyes

ny_ima

Sun, Mar 05 2006, 12:25 am

I own one of these!!! embarrassed

can you get DH to be in on the chinuch? a joint front is the only way to go. and it should have started long ago Crying

set limits together, preferably the father should say: chutzpah to mother or myself is intolerable and has consequences. YOU are the parents. YOU decide where she goes or not. THE TORAH says so. As long as she is living under your roof there are rules.

at this point the only thing you can do is STOP catering to her, being at her service! when she realizes things have changed she will have no choice but to 'behave'.

tonite, my 10 year old complained that the I am 'just klotzing!' (after I fed him, tucked him in...took the 2 year old off his bed 10 times to no avail)
I understood his frustration that 2 year old wouldn't leave him alone... but it was late enough, and I DO NOT TOLERATE CHUTZPAH. say what? I'm just klotzing? o.k. young man, tomorrow morning instead of me waking you up, there will be an alarm clock. your clothing will not be set, but you will have to pick them out from the closet. you will get your own breakfast and pack your own recess snacks. YES, I will sure be 'klotzing' tomorrow morning! Wink

well, my freinds, he cried and cried till I told him I will be waking him up as usual. but trust me: I won't be hearing his comment again (at least not soon!)

ps. I so feel for you. mashiach is coming soon and all this will change. there is no excuse for her behaviour even if something is bothering her (unless its something far out like abuse cv. if her behaviour is not like her at all...) you did your best. some kids are good and some are not. do you know the only difference between a little rasha and a big one???
their age! Surprised

not funny but true. even Avraham had a yishmael and Rivka had an eisav...

TzenaRena

Sun, Mar 05 2006, 1:07 am

Quote:

ps. I so feel for you. mashiach is coming soon and all this will change. there is no excuse for her behaviour even if something is bothering her (unless its something far out like abuse cv. if her behaviour is not like her at all...) you did your best. some kids are good and some are not. do you know the only difference between a little rasha and a big one???
their age! not funny but true. even Avraham had a yishmael and Rivka had an eisav...

sorry ny-ima, the rest of what you said sounds right, but not this. I don't agree. We can't look at our children this way. they can be very frustrating but they are not r'shaim ch"v.

I know a lovely young woman who would speak sharply to her mother during that shidduchim phase. (She's married now). In general this was a girl with exemplary middos. But knowing her mother, I couldn't blame her, because her mother has one sharp tongue. Her mother must have realized that she herself could be the one to blame, and thankfully took it with a sense of humor.

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