"I'm sad that she always comes first and I'm always 2nd

Ima2NYM_LTR

Mon, Jul 20 2009, 10:04 pm

DS is 5
DD is 1 month

I know it is normal for older siblings to have issues with new babies.

We have been spending extra time with him as much as possible and praising him whenever we can.

2 issues

1) strangers come up to us and compliment her appearance. DS has taken to pointing out those same aspects to whoever he meets, almost as if he is trying to get pos. attention through complimenting her. While it is good he is being nice, I don't want him to feel like his self-worth is defined by her. I try to compliment him, both at home, and when strangers compliment her, to try to show him that he is loved, but not sure if it is working.

2) he got out of bed tonight soon after DH put him to sleep (I was dealing with screaming baby. Early colic maybe??? hope not) and said it makes him sad that DD always comes first and he comes second. I know how he feels and we try to do special "us" time, but lets be honest, with a new baby, very often her needs do take precedence. how can I help him see he is not being forgotten?

Merrymom

Mon, Jul 20 2009, 10:39 pm

It's very healthy for children to realize that the world doesn't revolve around him. So a little less attention, a little more waiting to get his needs met are nothing to feel bad about. Whatever he loses from you he will gain with his sister as she gets older. You will see, it'll be great and he'll be a better, less selfish child. This of course doesn't mean that he shouldn't feel your love and have some individual time but right now that's pretty difficult with such a tiny baby but it'll get better very soon.

amother

Tue, Jul 21 2009, 12:16 am

I think it's great that he is verbalizing his feelings and feels he can do that with you.
I think you can really only continue doing what you are doing and explain often how babies need so much care because they are so small and can't do anything for themselves nor understand why they need to wait to get what they want.
Tell him that when he was that age he needed the same kind of attention and now he is older he doesn't. So too, when baby get's older she won't need so much attention anymore and there will be times he comes first because he is the oldest and times she comes first because she is the youngest, but all in all they will each get their chances.

Tell him also that coming second sometimes really means coming first.
Because if he is helping you to take care of baby and not making things difficult then he earns a very big mitzva of kibud av veaim. And also that means Mommy and Tatty will be more calm and able to give him more attention.

Merrymom

Tue, Jul 21 2009, 2:34 pm

Health is a Virture wrote:

I heard in the name of Reb. Keleman that one should first take care of the older children's needs and then sit down to nurse the baby. not to ignore the baby if s/he is crying but in general the older child's needs should come first.

How would this work? A baby makes its needs known by crying so obviously the baby will always come first.

greenfire

Tue, Jul 21 2009, 2:41 pm

just praise him for being such a wonderful big brother ... maybe even get him a "I'm the big bro" shirt ... let him know you are there for him and he can help with the baby cause she is so tiny and cannot talk yet so she needs a lot of care ... it could be simple things like getting wipes or throwing diaper in the garbage, holding a pacifier while you nurse ... keeping an eye on her while you eat ... or patting her on the back while you are burping her ...

keep him involved ... and also keep in mind as an only child for 5 years this is a completely normal reaction ...

SomebodyElse

Tue, Jul 21 2009, 2:51 pm

You can let a baby cry for a few minutes -- she'll forget, while an older child remembers. (In fact, when they're newborn and colicky, you almost HAVE to let them cry sometimes.)

Did you get him big brother gifts when baby was born/came home? Do you give him opportunities to help you take care of the baby? (Things like bringing you a diaper/blanket, helping pick out clothes if he's interested, etc.?)

Since he's expressing his feelings, you should acknowledge them (tell him you understand how he feels and that when he needs you you're there for him) and praise him for talking about his feelings and being so patient and helpful with the baby.

Merrymom

Tue, Jul 21 2009, 3:40 pm

[quote="SomebodyElse"]You can let a baby cry for a few minutes -- she'll forget, while an older child remembers. (In fact, when they're newborn and colicky, you almost HAVE to let them cry sometimes.)

Just remember that the Sefer Pele Yoetz says one will be required to give din v'cheshbon (stand in judgement and have to justify) every time that they allowed their baby to cry. So you cannot just let a baby cry it out unless you specifically are trying to accomplish something such as getting a baby to sleep through the night when they are old enough to do so. If a baby is colicy you need to discover why, most colic is not true colic but an exhausted baby who'll only sleep when it feels the warmth of its mother at its side. You really have to do everything you can to try to calm down a baby before you can let her/him cry.

SomebodyElse

Tue, Jul 21 2009, 6:25 pm

Merrymom wrote:

Just remember that the Sefer Pele Yoetz says one will be required to give din v'cheshbon (stand in judgement and have to justify) every time that they allowed their baby to cry. So you cannot just let a baby cry it out unless you specifically are trying to accomplish something such as getting a baby to sleep through the night when they are old enough to do so. If a baby is colicy you need to discover why, most colic is not true colic but an exhausted baby who'll only sleep when it feels the warmth of its mother at its side. You really have to do everything you can to try to calm down a baby before you can let her/him cry.

I never learned that sefer. But I know that if I don't go to the bathroom and get myself food and drink as needed, as well as taking care of any other children who have immediate needs, I'm not going to be able to figure out what to do next with a baby who's crying nonstop. (In fact, I might just join in the crying. Help

)

Merrymom

Tue, Jul 21 2009, 10:32 pm

SomebodyElse wrote:

Merrymom wrote:

)

I know it's very hard which is why we try so many different things, a swing, a snuggli, a pacifier, etc. What I don't understand is how it's possible that a Rav would say the older ones needs come first, they just can't without being cruel to the baby. DH would help me as well as my older children when I needed to be with the baby. I remember long interruptions or waiting for me at the Shabbos meal because I had to take care of the baby. That's just the reality of having a newborn. I had a neighbor who used to let her newborn cry and cry while she calmly took her sweet time getting to him. I could never understand it. Of course if you need to breathe for a few minutes, I can understand escaping to the bathroom especially with a colicy baby but not because you are putting the older kids first.

Tue, Jul 21 2009, 11:11 pm

I sometimes tell my older kids stories of how I used to take care of them when they were little just like the baby. This works especially for my oldest - I tell him how when he was a baby, there wasn't anyone else for mommy and tatty to take care of, that we just held him and played with him and gave him attention all day, and now B"H he is bigger and Hashem gave him other siblings to enjoy and play with, but Mommy and Tatty have to take care of the baby now like we used to take care of him, only the baby doesn't get the same attention that HE used to get, 'cuz the baby has to share with him and the other kids.