How much info do you tell a new morah

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Preschoolers

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amother

Tue, Aug 25 2009, 11:36 pm

I'm taking my son to orientation to playgroup tommorow.

He was recently diagnosed as 'oppositional defiant'. basically he defies authority and gets very aggressive becuase he always needs to feel in control.

How much do I need to tell the Morah? should I warn her or let her figure out herself that he's just a harder kid to deal with.

At this point he hasn't started therapy yet, so I don't know how much involvement I'll need from her.

Grace

Tue, Aug 25 2009, 11:49 pm

I would have thought that it would be truly beneficial to your son if his Morah knows whats his 'deal' is.
In this way, with advance notice she can come to class prepared, perhaps even read up on oppositional disorder and figure out some ways in which to deal with your ds effectively.

Imagine the reverse...

Child turns up at school for 1st day: starts acting out (as you said thearapy has not started yet) Morah tries to take it in her stride, problem gets worse. Morah doesnt realise there is not an actual diagnosed problem. In trying to dicipline she resolves to be stricter/firmer and punish your ds. Thus adding to your sons problems as those with oppositional disorder need to be handled with care like a fragile vase...not just a regular occasionaly disobedient kid.

Why would you want to keep it a secret?

I would imagine full disclosure is appropriate in these situations. In the end of the day im sure the morah will just want to do whats in the childs best interests, she wont be able to do this effectively if pertinent info is held back.

Good luck

blahblah

Tue, Aug 25 2009, 11:49 pm

what are the benefits to telling her?

I can tell you the disadvantages: your kid is going to be labeled in school adn that label will follow him probably forever. so unless she will need to be involved in his therapy (even then I would try to avoid the title.....I would just say - we're wroking with a therapist to try different methods and the therapist suggested xyz), if there is no benefit to telling her, I wouldn't do it

all I would say is don't be the parent that denies that their kid is a problem kid - when she calls you up that your kid did xyz, you can say - thank you for keeping us involved. please keep us posted. we did notice this at home a bit too and we are consulting professionals, but thank you again for not being afraid to call and please keep us posted with progress you see in the classroom.

and then give her an extra nice chanuka present Smile

amother

Wed, Aug 26 2009, 12:39 am

The big question will be how much will he act up in playgroup or is he just terrible in the house area/neighbours, but not as much with new people.

HindaRochel

Wed, Aug 26 2009, 12:48 am

Warn her. Tell her basically any information that would be relevant to her when working with him (he hasn't started therapy yet but here's what seems to work/doesn't work. When we know more we'll tell you.)

bella

Wed, Aug 26 2009, 8:19 am

It's up to you if you give her a specific diagnosis (I would question a preschooler with that diagnosis, by the way, but that's not your question). I think giving as much helpful information as possible is important. If, in fact, there is a reason for his behavior, it will help the morah understand that this is not something you are unaware of and that you are taking steps to address it.

It will also help her understand that some of her usual responses to certain behavior will not work. She needs to know if the usual discipline techniques such as ignoring the behavior, offering rewards, time out, etc. will not work. Sometimes, some of these things will actually make the behavior worse. By waiting until she brings any incidents to your attention, and then casually acknowledging them, you're not really setting either your son or the morah up for success. They both need to be prepared.

As far as worrying that he will get a "label" - if he cv"s had diabetes, would you want his label to be known? If he had a food alergy would you want it known?

levial

Wed, Aug 26 2009, 10:43 am

depends on the teacher. Some are very sophisticated and non-judgemental. Others are not.

I'd give her some details without the label.

"We've noticed DS has had issues when (a person asks him to do x; when he is not given time to transition activities or in general, when he feels a loss of control). We're just beginning to work with a professional on it. I'd like to touch base with you more frequently as I learn what techniques are helpful but also to get a picture of the triggers. I am not sure whether these behaviors will show up at school at all, but wanted to work together as a team regardless. "

That way I'd send a signal that I'm not ignoring the issue,but also not trying to steer her toward one judgement or another.

pgk

Wed, Aug 26 2009, 3:28 pm

Not to go off topic or anything...I am no expert, but unless your child comes from a very troubled or traumatic background I am extremely suprised to hear that he would receive an ODD diagnosis at such a young age. Please go for a second opinion (if you have not already).

SavtaHelen

Wed, Aug 26 2009, 3:33 pm

I think that the consideration has to be what are the consequenes that your child is likely to suffer if the morah doesn't know...will the child be "labeled" as "bad" or "undisciplined" or "impossible"? Will s/he receive feedback that will negatively affect the child's self image? Will expectations be made that are impossible for the child to fulfill??

I am a big believer that such information is a positive and useful tool, I hope that the morah is a professional and will know how to deal with the information given in the most effective manner

Rosemarie

Wed, Aug 26 2009, 8:59 pm

As a pre-school teacher, I would say that you should definitely tell her. You don't have to give her a specific label if you are scared your child will be labeled forever. But you don't want the teacher to be frustrated or your child to be frustrated, and everyone will be much happier if the teacher is prepared in advance to use or not use certain methods of discipline/teaching.

pecan

Wed, Aug 26 2009, 9:32 pm

I am very surprised that you got a diagnosis at this age. I'm in special education and kids are generally not diagnosed with these type of things until they are older.
I second the notion to get a second opinion.
Do you know anything about the Morah?
Because some teachers will jump to conclusions and not give your child a chance and others will handle it very well. So I think you need to know what type of teacher and school this is in order to figure out what to say.

HealthCoach

Wed, Aug 26 2009, 11:05 pm

I wouldn't give a diagnosis, but you can mention that your child responds better when disciplined like ...

amother

Wed, Aug 26 2009, 11:43 pm

op here..

the pyschologist who evaluated the child did clearly say that she never gives labels to a child so young, but... he displays symptons of ODD. He needs to have control of the world in order to have inner peace, and it's very difficult to allow his parents to discipline him or tell him how to do things. He needs to do everything his own way, whether it's getting dressed right sock first and then left, or pants then shirt otherwise you start again, to not allowing another child to play a game their way. it always needs to be the way he wants to play otherwise you will get hit/squeezed, or even bitten....
and yes, when it's between me and him, I can just give in and let things slide at home, but once he's in school and around other kids who wont' neccesarily always give in to him then I'm worried.

Call the behaviour what you want, but it drives me up the wall to the ceiling....

sped

Thu, Aug 27 2009, 1:17 am

I would suggest talking to parents who had their child withthis teacher in the past. Is she the type to "Label and write-off" or the kind to try and deal as is neccesary.
The question she will probably have is - how to deal with it. Most teachers of a group aren't able to "let things slide" because of the other children. She will probably expect guidanca from you and/or profesionals.
Hatzlocha!

pacifier

Thu, Aug 27 2009, 9:10 am

I definitely agree that the morah should know about your child "disorder".
Besides, I don't understand why you should always give in to him, there are times when you cannot do that.
The same way you won't let him put toys in the plugs whatever his reaction, the same way he has to know that in school you share and you listen to the morah.
Meanwhile, you could ask the morah to always formulate her demands with giving a choice(would you like to sit down right now or do you want to count to 3 then sit)
I don't know much about this disorder, but I'm sure there are methods to deal with it, that won't ruin the classroom discipline and order.

greenfire

Thu, Aug 27 2009, 9:33 am

I suppose it depends on the teacher and how they will take the news ... if they will treat him like a disease I wouldn't say anything - but chances are if you approach the subject with sensitivity, as levial said above, you will only help the morah help your son ...

HindaRochel

Thu, Aug 27 2009, 9:48 am

amother wrote:

Allowing the child to dress as they will is just good parenting, even if the clothes don't match, as long as they aren't going out into the heat of summer in wool or into frigid winter snows in a bathing suit. (And if they try then out of sight out of mind works)

Aggression needs to be stopped obviously, you just take him away even if he screams and cries. That is just life. Same with any activity that is destructive or harmful to self or others.

But so many issues aren't worth the battle. They are mom/dad or tack on whoever you want, wants it this way. Yes, some kids will go along with most everything you tell them, but most kids won't and why fight to make sure their hair is perfect or they have their dolls lined up on the floor instead of in a basket or whatever. The important battles are those in which someone can be harmed or something can be damaged, and it is not the child's property. (good learning experience to not replace some toy they deliberately broke.)

However in school there is limited flexibility, if your son is disruptive then the other children suffer. Either he shouldn't be in school or the teacher needs to know how to get him to behave. That is something you need to work on with the teacher. The teacher may also have some knowledge or be able to find things out to help her deal with him. She can not have a child insisting on their way when in fact the rest of the class is doing something different.

Can I ask why it is necessary that he is in school now and can't wait a year till, perhaps with some therapy, you've worked out discipline methods that work with him?

Chayalle

Thu, Aug 27 2009, 10:48 am

Quote:

but you can mention that your child responds better when disciplined like ...

I definitely think that you can and should offer guidance to the Morah about what makes your child tick.

I had a foster son for several years, and he had various issues...I would always speak with the Morah about how to interact with him. He was the type of child who needed POSITIVE POSITIVE POSITIVE. Punishing him would only corner him and make him act out more.

Last year he had a fabulous Morah who would make him her helper. She was always "needing" things to be lifted and carried, a great outlet for his boundless energy. He was the one who shlepped in the juice bottles at snack time (the Morah actually appreciated this!) He would deliver things to the office.....help stack the chairs....he was absolutely the best in clean-up.

A Morah who can channel his need for control by putting him in charge of various tasks, will actually find that he is a great asset to the class...

amother

Thu, Aug 27 2009, 12:30 pm

Quote:

Can I ask why it is necessary that he is in school now and can't wait a year till, perhaps with some therapy, you've worked out discipline methods that work with him?

He isn't in school, he's in playgroup. I hope that some structure will give him some security.
His morah is one with alot of experience, has b'h 9 kids of her own , and I hope she should be a good shliach to give him a good year.
There is no way I can keep in the house with me another year, and I need a break from him a bit too.

ra_mom

Thu, Aug 27 2009, 12:35 pm

OP, I think you should give the Morah all the details about issues involved. But leave out the label and diagnosis.
Hatzlacha!

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