helping at home | Imamother

acccdac

Tue, Oct 13 2009, 11:00 am

I am a control freak so I like things done a certain way, its not a good thing and I think the answer to my question is to not be a control freak but here is my question.

How do you allow children to help out around the house if its only goign to mean that you will have to do it again later and in essence messing up your schedule?

for example: we have been telling our 6 year old that he needs to hang up his clothes after shabbos. The problem is it goes on the hanger bad, and I packed a shirt for him for yom tov and only discovered on yom tov that it was dirty (he hung it that way). The control freak in me just wants to check if the shirt is dirty and hang the shirt correctly the first time instead of having to check his work later in the day when my time is used for other stuff.

I wont allow my kids to unload the dishwasher becuase I'm afraid they'll break the dishes and they'll also put them in the wrong cabinets assuming they were able to safely climb the step stool while holding the dishes to reach the cabinet.

am I the problem or do I just need to find better solutions like:

for the first one - buy hooks that go in the room, let him place his clothes neatly on the hook (there is no chair in the room for this) and then I hang it myself.

for the second example - they just unload the dishwasher on to the counter or the nearby table they can reach and I put them away.

Marion

Tue, Oct 13 2009, 11:10 am

My DS (aged 3) helps set the table for his place and his brother's (plastic) and the cutlery (not knives). He also clears his dish after a meal and puts it in the sink. He's also in charge of carrying the challot to the table on Shabbat. He puts his clothes in the laundry. He can load and unload the washing machine.

2nd DS is almost 2; he can also carry dishes to the table and clear his place (he can't reach the sink so one of us meets him in the kitchen to take the plate from him). He can also throw dirty clothes in the hamper and dirty diapers in the bin.

They can both pick up pieces of MegaBlocks, and put the toy kitchen stuff where it belongs.

I don't expect much else from them at this point.

manhattanmom

Tue, Oct 13 2009, 12:00 pm

2 year old ds does chores at home. He does some things by himself (like putting his dirty clothes in the hamper, throwing things out, wiping the table/booster seat tray with a wipe when he's done, etc.) He does many things with some guidance--like brushing crumbs off the table, holding the dustpan when I sweep, putting all his toys away...

He was doing all this before he was 2.

chanchy123

Tue, Oct 13 2009, 12:15 pm

I have a four and a half year old DD and an almost three year old DS.
They are both expected to place their dirty clothes in the hamper and to clean up their toys after they finish playing. Many times they set the table (they love doing it on shabbat and then I make sure they only put out non-breakables now DD may bring out small dishes).
Sometimes I ask them to clear the table of their own meal (either in the sink - or lately just through the disposable away).
I'll include them in housework if I'm doing some, even if I don't really need the help because I think it's good for them to feel involved and to learn to enjoy helping out.
They'll either take out laundry from the washer and sometimes DD will even hang it on her own. load the washer, take the dry clean laundry and bring it to me to fold etc.
Lately being so pregnant I have them picking things up from the floor all the time and that's a great help.
I'm learning that DD's "helping" has turned into actual helping and I'm very thankful to have her around.

On a side note. Growing up my mother was a "never mind let me do it myself" kind of mother and basically she would prefer to do things on her own because she could do them better and faster. And I never learned to help out with housework even when it was crucially needed. So I try to get them involved even if it doesn't actually help.

flowerpower

Tue, Oct 13 2009, 1:23 pm

There are rules every child must learn to do on his own-
clean up after he eats a meal (put plate and utensils where they belong)
put clothes in hamper after taking them off
put shoes where they belong
throw out wrappers from food he just ate
and stuff like that

then you can always teach new chores so he can grow up to be a responsible human being

freidasima

Tue, Oct 13 2009, 1:32 pm

What can I tell you, I envy you ladies.
My kids did very little. They still do very little.
The boys know how to iron their own shirts.
The girls know how to keep house.
Oldest dd is married, she HAS to keep house.
I don't know what oldest ds does at home these days, his wife is not into household.
As for the others, the chayal is organized, the other girls...let's say that before they get married it owuld be nice if they decided not to throw their diry clothes on the floor but actually put them in the hamper. Sure, they make it there immediately when they need to be washed as they are running out of clothes but not before.

It was always like that.
Yes I tried to get them involved.
No they stopped wanting to do things when they reached pre-puberty.
And that was that.
There were enough things to fight about. I wasn't about to let the house become one of them.

ray family

Tue, Oct 13 2009, 8:22 pm

speaking as a child of a parent who always had to fix whatever we did because it was never good enough the best thing you can do for your kids is let them help and even in a way that you can live w/ it and then LEAVE IT THAT WAY. dont go fixing e/t they did- especially right after they did it for you.
growing up if it wasnt done EXACTLY how my mother wanted it wasnt good enough.
if the floors weren't swept the way she wanted she went over it.
if the clothing wasn't sorted according to her preference we would hear it
clothing had to get folded a certain way etc
eventually we all stopped helping because what was the point of doing anything if she was just going to go and do it again?
had I not gone to seminary and stayed in Israel for a few years post sem I would prob be the same way.
what I learned from going to other pples houses is s/t it's more important just go get a job done and not doing it perfectly.
you had a good idea w/ the hooks if you can't live w/ your child putting his clothing away dirty.
on the other hand usually after a kid wears s/t it is dirty so it might be worthwhile to teach him to put his clothing in the hamper.
my 3 year old knows that after he gets undressed that's where his clothing belong
even my 1.5 year old I'm starting to work on.
my son has to clean up after playing w/ his toys- on the other hand when he finishes cleaning up I will not go and fix it to my standards right in front of him. I may wait until after he goes to bed at night to organize the way I like it-ie books according to size
there are other things that they can do and do do.
I try my hardest not to be too pushy even though it's very difficult for me.
try to accept things for what they are as they are kids
gl

acccdac

Tue, Oct 13 2009, 9:51 pm

ray family

thanks, your post helped a lot.

I always have known not to fix what they've done and that is where I guess my issue lies.

Everyone has given me ideas how they can help and what amount of work is enough.

I grew up with full time help but I knew how to keep a home and how to clean even though I never did a load of laundry till I was 15 in sleep away camp. I dont have my mother around to ask how she taught us how to do things. But she did teach us. I'm thinking that she taught us the importance of cleanliness like not having clothes on the floor or scattered around the room and we got the idea about the value of clothing from the after shabbos line "why are you still in your shabbos clothes I didnt buy them for you to ruin them lying around".

nicole81

Tue, Oct 13 2009, 9:56 pm

my dds are still young-- 3 and 4.

they don't have chores per se, but they do set the table every friday night.

every saturday night they help clean up the living room (put shoes in closet, throw garbage out, return their toys to the basement.)

other than that if I want something done I just tell them and they generally comply.

Marion

Tue, Oct 13 2009, 11:00 pm

acccdac wrote:

I'm thinking that she taught us the importance of cleanliness like not having clothes on the floor or scattered around the room and we got the idea about the value of clothing from the after shabbos line "why are you still in your shabbos clothes I didnt buy them for you to ruin them lying around".

You might have grown up with full time help, but if your mom was anything like my mom the house rule was that "Help's" job was not to tidy up after you! She wasn't to hang clothes, make beds, fold/put away laundry...her job was the dusting and the vacuuming and if she couldn't find the surface she was supposed to be working on, she was supposed to NOT do it!

Hashem_Yaazor

Wed, Oct 14 2009, 9:22 am

You can redo what your kids do when they're not around to see.
If my son washes silverware, I just won't put them away and will re-rinse them when he's sleeping, but he doesn't know that!
I never switch silverware put on the wrong side by my kids; when people eat, they'll find what they need Wink

They usually get it right, but I don't see that it's important enough to make them feel inadequate by correcting the big vs small fork, etc
I never go over dusting -- any thing he does helps, and it's not a big deal if it's not 100%. 60% is better than 0.
Peeling I might use my knife to take off any part he didn't get, but not with a peeler unless he asks me for help in a specific part. I want him to feel like he IS helping me.

levial

Thu, Oct 15 2009, 11:49 am

Helping builds self esteem and is an important developmental area for kids.Just as in the office, delegating does not mean dumping, so make the chores as specific to the age group, with instructions.

Please sweep all the crumbs off of the floor and then mommy will get the corners. do you want to help me with the dust pan for the corners?

DD is 4 and is a big helper. Dishes, (no knives, she asks for help with heavy pots) seem to be water play to her. She loves the wet swiffer to do the floors. She sets the table. She puts the laundry that I hand her into the dryer. The broom right now is very exciting. And I do nothing to squash it. I do sometimes have to pick up a few things. I just say 'Can mommy help- there is a piece here" and she usually rushes to get it. I make songs to help her understand what the goal is. Top top bottom bottom middle middle middle....From one side to the other, you really help your mother!...It's tres corny, but what can I do- I can get her to do many things with a silly song "Take off your shirt shirt shirt, take off your pants. Do a little dance. Tag in the back, now we're on track." got her to start dressing herself.

The whole thing I think is important is the "why." Mommy folds the towels this way so they fit on the shelf. Mommy likes to take all the crumbs off the floor before we wash the floor so we don't get the floor more dirty. She seems to get it when I give a reason.