Stealing all my firsts

Log in / Sign Up

List of Forums + New Post Recipe Box Usergroups Following My Posts Bookmarks

Private Messages Advanced Search Rules New User Guide FAQ Advertise Contact Us

Forum -> Parenting our children

View latest: 24h 48h 72h

amother

Purple

Tue, Aug 09 2016, 4:52 am

My babysitter is wonderful. My daughter loves her and she is super accomodating. She is a warm friendly mommy. However, I get the impression that she is trying to overtake me in the mommy department. Aside from the usual comments about how my daughter loves things with her that she hates with me I feel like she is doing things that are my "birthright" as a mom to do first. How would you feel about your babysitter hogging all the firsts?

Stars

Tue, Aug 09 2016, 4:54 am

Can you give us some examples?

amother

Purple

Tue, Aug 09 2016, 4:57 am

Nailpolish. I had been looking forward to doing it but didn't plan to start yet. And doing it again after I told her I wanted to do it.

Toilet training. Don't get me wrong I'll be thrilled with the help but she is young to start. She just started showing interest so we got her a potty. I told her about it and she told me she's been putting her on the toilet for a while (with no success).

My friend who is a babysitter told me she never tells the parents when the kids start walking or talking or reach any milestone with her and if asked she denies it. I never understood how smart that was until I became a mom.

imasinger

Tue, Aug 09 2016, 5:15 am

If she is making comments about how much your DD loves doing certain things with her, maybe ask her how she does it, so that your DD will love doing them with you as well.

A sitter can't help it if baby starts crawling or walking with her instead of with parents. And most parents do want to know. But she can certainly help the nail polish and the toilet training. Maybe tell her about your friend, and suggest that she step it back a notch, and not tell you these things.

If she continues to make these comments in a way that seems competitive, or do things that you asked her not to, then, no matter how warm she is to your DD, you might want to start looking for someone else. SB is important, and a babysitter whose nature is such that her relationship with her charge comes at the expense of the mother child bond is not a good fit.

I suspect this is your first. After a few kids, none of this will matter as much.

amother

Indigo

Tue, Aug 09 2016, 5:25 am

I think there is a big difference between developmental milestones like turning, crawling, talking, etc and things you introduce to a child.
Development is coming from the child and should be shared. If you give over childcare to others things will happen when you are not there. There is no pause button on growing.
However, I believe a caregiver needs to consult with parents before they introduce milestones like toilet training or even nailpolish for that matter. The parents preferences or permission must be respected.

mommy3b2c

Tue, Aug 09 2016, 5:45 am

It's much more concerning that she is bragging that your daughter likes her better in certain ways. That seems line an unhealthy attitude. Babysitters should not be competing with the mom.

amother

Purple

Tue, Aug 09 2016, 6:23 am

She's had issue with her own children due to divorce so I guess I see where she is coming from in her need to feel like she is best with my daughter. She has several kids so definitely has more experience than me. Still, I'm a good mom and know how to take care of my child. She came to return something when I was bathing my kid who was freaking out. She was ringing incessantly and then told me she was scared I was in the bathroom and left my kid in the crib and it's dangerous because maybe she can get out. She's seen my place. There is no way I wouldn't know if my kid was screaming while I was in the bathroom. Then she told me my daughter loves the bath with her. Ummm, thanks? I guess it's good my kid is clean lol.

And she's not just warm and loving to my daughter. She is generally wonderful with me too. She's great all around but these things are getting to me.

Stars

Tue, Aug 09 2016, 7:57 am

If it was just about the nail polish, I'd say meh.
But I can see why the attitude bothers you. We had one caretaker who would tell me about all the things I am not doing, or not doing correctly. It irked me a lot. Thankfully it was temporary arrangement.

the world's best mom

Tue, Aug 09 2016, 8:36 am

I can understand why these things bother you. You can ask her again not to introduce new things without your consent.

However, I definitely do NOT think you should look for a new babysitter. Such good sitters are few and far between. I don't think you should just give up such a wonderful situation because something is rubbing you wrong occasionally. Being that the babysitter is not you, something about her is likely to bother you. If this is all it is and you and your child are happy otherwise, then be thankful you have such a good babysitter.

imasinger

Tue, Aug 09 2016, 8:40 am

Part of a full time child care worker's job ought to be fostering the parent child bond, not trying to weaken it.

Obviously, it is one of many considerations. But if someone else good is available, I'd go with the one who is not going to make Mom feel like a loser in order to bolster her own ego.

Chayalle

Tue, Aug 09 2016, 8:41 am

It sounds like you need to assert yourself and set some boundaries about what she can do with your child. Also, I would avoid giving her explanations and details that are none of her business - like she doesn't have to know why you didn't answer the door right away when she was ringing the bell - your parenting decisions and comings and goings are not her business. You don't have to answer to her.

amother

Purple

Tue, Aug 09 2016, 8:52 am

Chayalle wrote:

She heard the baby crying which is why she was ringing so frantically convinced I didn't realize or hear or I don't know what.

And to the poster above I'm definitely not looking to replace her she's wonderful and accommodating of my crazy schedule

greenfire

Tue, Aug 09 2016, 9:21 am

just give her heads up that you will be the one shopping for her first bra

Chayalle

Tue, Aug 09 2016, 9:59 am

amother wrote:

She needs to know her place, and she overstepped her bounds here being so frantic just because your baby was crying. All babies cry at various times - when they are being changed, bathed, dressed, etc....no need for her to start questioning your mothering just because the baby is crying.

amother

Honeydew

Tue, Aug 09 2016, 10:20 am

I used to work as a private nanny, and I've been on the other side. I even had one of the kids call me mommy (her mother was Ima), which was weird. It's really hard for parents who are out of the house all day and leave their kids with someone else and then the kid considers their other caregiver to be like a second mom. But that's all the babysitter is - second. Having been the second mom to some adorable children, no matter how much they loved me and no matter how much they had fun with me and no matter how many special things we had, the minute something went wrong, they are screaming for Ima. The minute one gets hurt - they only want Ima. The minute I do something they don't like, they tell me how Ima does it. Every little thing and big thing that isn't happy and wonderful, is all about Ima. And I don't how many days the kids were upset to see Ima go or after a few hours told me every 5 minutes how much they wanted Ima to just come home already. Or how many times they asked me why Ima had to go anyway. So even if it seems like your kid has a special relationship with her babysitter, it is so second-rate to the relationship she has with you - because you don't see all those moments when your kid is only thinking of you. And just like children enjoy certain activities more with grandparents or aunts and uncles or friends, or even with your husband, than with you, it's the same with the babysitter. Everyone has different strengths, and children befit from that. And there are things that your child enjoys more with you than with anyone else, maybe it's things that seem little to you (like a kiss good night), but those things can seem like the world to her. So I know it's hard to watch another person have a very special relationship with your child. But if you're child had to pick just one, you would be the one she'd want to be with.

Luckily, your child has several fantastic adults in her life, and it sounds like she is really benefiting from all the love and attention. And if there are specific things you don't want the babysitter to do, or you think aren't working, then tell her gently and don't make a fuss.

Your child loves you, no matter how many other people she loves, and no matter how many firsts she goes through with someone else. First activities and milestones don't determine anything for a young child, and even though it may be hard for you (and that's okay!), she still consider you her first preference overall.

pointyshoes

Tue, Aug 09 2016, 10:37 am

Other posters may consider this extreme but I wouldn't keep her on. Undermining you as she is is a boundary crossed that's uncomfortable and unprofessional but most of all points to the fact that she seems to have unresolved issues. You mentioned that she has problems with her children? Your child cannot be a outlet for her mothering feeling.
I would not want a child of mine spending all day with someone like that.

amother

Aqua

Tue, Aug 09 2016, 10:43 am

pointyshoes wrote:

Based on what I've read here, I agree with this. Your babysitter sounds like she's using your child to fulfill her emotional needs, she is crossing boundaries with your child and with you, and she is coming between you and your child. I wouldn't feel at all comfortable with this.

Shuly

Tue, Aug 09 2016, 12:37 pm

amother wrote:

Then she told me my daughter loves the bath with her. Ummm, thanks? I guess it's good my kid is clean lol.

Wait, did you ask her to bathe your kid or is she doing it on her own?

baby12x

Tue, Aug 09 2016, 12:45 pm

Tell her not too
If she ignores you then you know she can't be trusted as a babysitter.
You're the mother. Don't let her steal anything from you

amother

Saddlebrown

Tue, Aug 09 2016, 1:01 pm

I actually think this is a very good reason to lay down the law and seek a new arrangement if it doesn't stop. She's disrespecting your authority as the mother. The need to "rescue" your baby when she heard her crying while waiting for you to come to the door crosses a line. Even if you were just letting her cry, it's not this woman's business why she heard crying. You could have been making any number of decisions that are well within your right to make. Today she doesn't like how you put the baby to sleep, tomorrow she will disregard something while the baby is under her because she thinks she knows better. Not a good dynamic to have, even if she's loving and even if it's not necessarily harmful. If this were a MIL, people would advise limiting visits until she gets it. Babysitters are no different.

Page 1 of 1