I feel like I am the only nervous mother around...

amother

Mon, Jan 18 2010, 10:34 pm

Barbara

Mon, Jan 18 2010, 11:28 pm

amother wrote:

I constantly find myself in situations where I am absolutely on edge about my children's safety while other mothers seem laid back and unconcerned in the same situation.

Examples:

A few months ago we went to somebody's apartment on 5th floor. We both have kids same ages more or less. Her kids played outside on the large balcony. Even though there were tables and chairs right up along the guard rail, she calmly sat inside and never worried that maybe one of her kids would climb up and jump or fall down (cv"s). I didn't let my kids go outside without me and I moved all the furniture (with permission though I was laughed at) away from the railings.

Not crazy. It only takes the first time with a very bad idea for a tragedy to occur. I don't think I allowed DS out on our balcony without me until he was 10 or so, and I *still* worry about it.

A few weeks ago I was visiting a friend and her toddler had climbed onto a bar stool. I jumped up and gasped and ran to the child. Mother told me "she's fine. she always does that". I couldn't breathe if that were my kid. I always pull them off the sofa, the book case, the tops of chairs, etc. before they even have a chance to fall.

Umm, yes and no. Are you pulling your kids off from climbing up to sit on the couch? If so, you need to relax a little. The book case, tops of chairs, not safe. A stool, depends on the kid, and depends on the stool. If the kids are used to them, and they're sturdy, I could see a 3 year old being OK with it.

I visited relatives who live in a gated community with little car traffic. I took the kids for a walk. They each had to hold hands with an adult. If they let go and tried to go off on their own I got very upset. I was told by relatives "it's okay, it's safe here. not too many cars" But my feeling is that it only takes ONE car, not many for something bad to happen, G-d forbid!

Were there sidewalks? Most 3 year olds should be able to walk on a sidewalk without holding hands, so long as there is an adult nearby. There are *runners* who need more supervision. Parking lots, streets without sidewalks, and crowded places are different.

When I take my kids to the park, I see mothers just sit on the bench chatting with each other or reading books or texting on their cells. I am the ONLY mother who is standing there helping my little ones make it safely up the steps and ladders, there to catch them at the bottom of the slides, etc., and basically worrying about them running off or being grabbed by a weirdo. (The neighborhood park is not fenced in and their is a good amount of traffic on the street).

That was me, and looking back, I think I should have been a bit more calm. The 1 year-old, yes, you need to be there. The two year-old, a little distance would be OK, so long as its a piece of equipment that she has mastered (eg, the steps that she's been going up for months with no problems). The 3 year-old can be cheered on from a little bit away. I'd still catch the 3 year-old at the bottom or a big slide, and help him up the difficult rope. I'd also be at arms length from those play structures that have platforms with openings that he could fall through. But there may be times that you can keep an eye on the older two without being on top of them.

Am I not normal? Am I lacking emunah and stifling my children? Or am I the only one I know being a good mother?

(BTW... my kids are 3,2 and 1)

amother

Mon, Jan 18 2010, 11:42 pm

Thank you for the responses.

Barbara wrote:

amother wrote:

A few weeks ago I was visiting a friend and her toddler had climbed onto a bar stool. I jumped up and gasped and ran to the child. Mother told me "she's fine. she always does that". I couldn't breathe if that were my kid. I always pull them off the sofa, the book case, the tops of chairs, etc. before they even have a chance to fall.

Umm, yes and no. Are you pulling your kids off from climbing up to sit on the couch? If so, you need to relax a little. The book case, tops of chairs, not safe. A stool, depends on the kid, and depends on the stool. If the kids are used to them, and they're sturdy, I could see a 3 year old being OK with it.

I visited relatives who live in a gated community with little car traffic. I took the kids for a walk. They each had to hold hands with an adult. If they let go and tried to go off on their own I got very upset. I was told by relatives "it's okay, it's safe here. not too many cars" But my feeling is that it only takes ONE car, not many for something bad to happen, G-d forbid!

Were there sidewalks? Most 3 year olds should be able to walk on a sidewalk without holding hands, so long as there is an adult nearby. There are *runners* who need more supervision. Parking lots, streets without sidewalks, and crowded places are different.

To clarify on examples 2 and 3...
The child was standing on the bar stool doing a dance. And the floor was ceramic tile. And my kids are welcome to climb up and sit on the sofa. Even the 1 yr old does it and that's fine. But it's a large sectional and when they start running laps back and forth (not so much the 3 yr old who already knows better anyhow and who would be far less likely to fall and be injured, but the 2 and 1 yr olds) I have a heart attack.
And the street with the relatives, there is no sidewalk. There are only maybe 30 homes gated in, so not heavy traffic, but there are some occasional work trucks or teenagers who do speed through. It doesn't matter to me that 30 minutes might pass without seeing a single moving vehicle. It takes just one!

mimivan

Tue, Jan 19 2010, 1:08 am

All of the above situations you describe would make me nervous with the poss exception of a kid jumping on a chair (not a high barstool) depending on how old he was. I do let my 18 month old do some climbing by himself at the park if he is b'h able to do so. Some kids are more developed in terms of climbing than others, and I do get concerned looks from parents as if to say "how can you let that kid go down the big slide." but I know my kid in this sense..

but in terms of the more objective and severe dangers--the balcony and the traffic...absolutely..I have no idea why people are blase about these situations and I am often the only one who cares..

so handshake...let's join the club...it is only when chas v'shalom something happens that everyone says "Oh, that shows it's not good to let your kid play by windows" or "we have to start watching our kids on the sidewalk."

AlwaysGrateful

Tue, Jan 19 2010, 1:00 pm

I would do most of the above too...but with a different attitude, I think. I wouldn't take my child off the chair - I would have my child move the chair into a carpeted room if he wanted to stand on it. I wouldn't "help my kids up the steps in the park," but I would stand very close by to catch them just in case.

I firmly believe in the importance of letting kids experiment with their bodies and their minds, and I don't want to "save them" from every bad experience. I wouldn't want my child running on the couch, not because he might get hurt, but because that's not the proper way to play. I wouldn't "have a heart attack," but I would tell him to get down and stop.

I guess with the one year old, these things may not apply. But I have a 1.5 year old, and I wouldn't actually step in pick him up, nor would I get all hot and bothered. Instead, I would just say "No, we don't do that, that's dangerous." Either he would get down, or I would stand right near him and essentially make sure that he does.

Could it be that people are reacting more towards the attitude that you're giving across - the "Oh no! He might get hurt!" attitude vs. the "No, that's not safe, I'm not comfortable with him doing that" attitude.

With all that said, I would not let my kids run free in the streets, no matter how few cars there are. I also agree with your moving the furniture away from the balcony and supervising the kids.