Reacting to Minor Tantrums

amother

Mon, Feb 22 2010, 8:51 pm

Ds isn't quite two yet, and he's just starting to have little minor tantrums. Boruch Hashem, most of the time I can head them off before they get too bad, but I know that as he gets older, that may not stay the same. So the one relatively major tantrum that he had recently (when I needed to get him home from a friend's house, and he didn't want to go...and I'd given him a five minute "warning") consisted of screeching, flailing his arms and legs a bit, and just looking incredibly ticked off. I really felt pity for him more than anything else, because it was obvious that he couldn't stop himself and didn't really think it would help (I do NOT give in to tantrums), but it was like he just had so much frustration that this was how he was letting it out.

Happened to be that he was on his friend's bed at the time, and I was nervous he would bang into the wall or fall off the bed. So I reacted by picking him up and holding him tightly, sort of in a fetal position, and rocking him back and forth, saying "You're okay, you're okay." He stopped crying almost instantly. Within a minute or two, I got his coat on and got him out the door with very little reaction from him.

I came home, and told my dh. It's funny, because I'd always heard to ignore a toddler during a tantrum, but I couldn't think time because he wasn't safe. I like this way of doing things better than ignoring, when possible (obviously this wouldn't be possible when nursing a baby, for example). And dh said it sounds good in theory, but he wonders whether it would get ds to be too dependent on ME to make him feel better. Meaning that if, say, he's in playgroup next year and his morah doesn't stop to do that all the time, he won't know how to handle his own tantrums. Or if a babysitter is watching him, etc. Or just the fact that he should learn to calm himself down on his own. Sort of like the idea of "self-calming" by sleeping training.

Now, I do sleep train. For my son, at least, I know it was the right choice. (He's SO much happier when he sleeps welll...and has a mommy who sleeps well too!) But I don't know what to do here. What do you think?

the world's best mom

Mon, Feb 22 2010, 9:34 pm

I don't sleep train my kids, but I let them calm themselves when they tantrum. You brought up one good reason not to always comfort them, and here's another: If he knows that you will hold him when he cries, he is not going to want to learn to deal with situations more maturely, without crying. Crying will be a way for him to get a good cuddle with mommy, so he'll make sure to do it often.

However, your son is very young. I might comfort a kid at that age, depending on their developmental level. If he is old enough to understand what is expected of him, and to talk about what he wants, then it's probably a good time to stop comforting him when he tantrums.

amother

Mon, Feb 22 2010, 9:54 pm

the world's best mom wrote:

OP here. Wait, but isn't this the same thing as sleep training, then? If he knows that you will come to him in the middle of the night when he cries, he is not going to want to deal with going to sleep more maturely, without crying...

I'm asking not to prove any point about sleep training, but because I don't understand how these two views could coexist. I was sure that everyone who doesn't sleep train would say that it's a great idea, and I was wondering whether people who did sleep train would agree with them, or would feel differently on this subject. The reason this might happen, from what I see, is that someone might say "Sleep is an absolute necessity, both for my baby and for me. If he's waking up constantly, neither one of us is getting a good sleep, and that's bad for both of us. Whereas if he tantrums for three seconds and then calms down as soon as I get my arms around him, he's not harming anyone at all." Of course with the caveats that I wrote out above.

I was just surprised by your response! Can I ask you for your rationale?

the world's best mom

Mon, Feb 22 2010, 10:20 pm

As I said in my previous post, in the second paragraph, I would comfort a kid who did not have verbal skills or understanding that would be necessary to deal with the situation appropriately. Once my kids can talk and understand rules, I put them to bed and they understand what is expected of them. They can tell me if they want something, or if something hurts them. A baby can't.

Similarly, if my 3 or 4 year old would cry that she wants a cookie and I've said no, I would calmly state the rule- "No cookies now because we're having supper soon." It is disappointing to her, but she can understand my resoning. So she can either cry or make the best of it. She has to learn not to cry everytime she is upset. My 4 year old used to cry every time she was told no, but now she is more likely to respond verbally- "But I'm hungry now. What can I eat now?" or, "So can I eat supper now and have the cookie after supper?" That's exactly the type of response I want from her.

OTOH, if my 19 month old wants a cookie, no amount of explaining will make him understand why I'm depriving him of this big treat. He doesn't know what supper means, or why a cookie can't be instead of supper. He can't talk to tell me he's hungry. We cannot discuss the matter in a mature fashion. He is not capable of a response other than crying. (He has no words yet and very limited verbal comprehension.) All he knows is that he wants what he sees and this big meanie is refusing to give it to him. For him that is a huge disappointment that he cannot deal with, so he cries. I can't expect him to deal with the situation maturely, so I comfort him and try to distract him. I don't give him the cookie, though.

mummiedearest

Mon, Feb 22 2010, 11:26 pm

hi op,

there are a couple of strategies that I've used to stop tantrums:

1) divert attention. sometimes this involves acknowledging the kid's frustration and then swiftly discussing something else in the same sentence. "sweetie, I know you're upset, but WOW, LOOK AT THAT TRAIN!"
it doesn't work for every kid, but it's worth a shot.

2) if your kid is verbal, you can help him talk to you about his feelings. my son was able to do this at about two and a half. when he starts to tantrum, go over to him, stroke his back, put him on your lap, and ask calmly, "are you upset?" at first you'll have to answer for him. then you ask, "what are you upset about?" you may have to answer for him again. then calmly say that if he uses his words instead of screaming, mommy can try to help him fix what he's upset about. this worked really well for my son, who started coming to me with a straight face to say, "mommy, I'm upset because my sister took my toy." it took about a month for him to start understanding the whole concept, and after that he was a different kid.

3) for when the kid has a case of the "NO!s"

as soon as my kids start answering no to everything, I sense a serious tantrum opportunity. so after asking a bunch of questions (do you want this, that and the other), all of which are answered, "NO!" I say, "do you want to say no?" to which they usually answer no. (my 2 yr old likes to answer yes to that one these days, smart alec that she is...) after that last question, I suggest we sing the no song. the no song involves singing any tune to the word no. or rather, singing the word no to any tune. every note is a no. I personally like singing beethoven's ninth for this, but I sometimes switch classical pieces. the kids complain through the first half and then they give up. you just have to outlast them. it gets the no's out of their systems, and occasionally results in laughter. make some silly faces while you sing and they'll enjoy the entertainment.

mandksima

Tue, Feb 23 2010, 1:20 am

mummiedearest wrote:

3) for when the kid has a case of the "NO!s"

as soon as my kids start answering no to everything, I sense a serious tantrum opportunity. so after asking a bunch of questions (do you want this, that and the other), all of which are answered, "NO!" I say, "do you want to say no?" to which they usually answer no. (my 2 yr old likes to answer yes to that one these days, smart alec that she is...) after that last question, I suggest we sing the no song. the no song involves singing any tune to the word no. or rather, singing the word no to any tune. every note is a no. I personally like singing beethoven's ninth for this, but I sometimes switch classical pieces. the kids complain through the first half and then they give up. you just have to outlast them. it gets the no's out of their systems, and occasionally results in laughter. make some silly faces while you sing and they'll enjoy the entertainment.

This is a great tip! I'll try to remember it when my son learns the word "no." Although, since he is in a Hebrew speaking gan, I might have to change the song to "Lo lo lo lo ....."

So far, my 20 month old has started tantrums but they are not all of the time yet. I'm waiting...

mummiedearest

Tue, Feb 23 2010, 9:00 pm

mandksima wrote:

mummiedearest wrote:

glad you like it Smile

my mom thought the idea was so brilliant when I first started doing it that she started to do this with my kids. we've had family gatherings in which bubby and zaidy sing a duet of the no song. it's especially amusing if they're using two tunes at once. and it's very useful, since all the grandkids are toddlers right now.