Co-sleeping at 12?

amother

Sun, Oct 24 2010, 6:29 am

Is it appropriate for a 12 year old girl to still be sleeping every night in the same bed as the mother? (in this circumstance there is no father in the picture). The girl is apparently afraid of the dark etc.... (younger siblings sleep on their own and always have)

mandksima

Sun, Oct 24 2010, 7:14 am

What does her therapist say?

It is obvious she needs some security and it makes sense that the older ones feel the absence of a father even more than younger ones. Feelings just don't go away and I suggest you see if outside help can help her so that when she is older and in a dorm or ready to get married, she will feel more secure and calm enough to be on her own at night. Does she have the option of sleeping with younger siblings? Is there a night light in that room?

amother

Sun, Oct 24 2010, 7:31 am

OP. She doesn't have a therapist although she sorely needs one. Her mother sees nothing wrong with her. There is a very strong co-dependent relationship btw the mother and older daughter to the point where the daughters thoughts are expressed this way "well, my mom says......my mom's favourite colour, my mom my mom my mom....". The daughter shares a room with a sibling, nightlights etc. She's too "scared" to sleep in there.

I am a concerned relative. The child's emotional growth seems to be stunted to me and I am worried.

mamommommy

Sun, Oct 24 2010, 7:55 am

I don't think that the co-sleeping is the issue, but isn't the mother a little bit concerned that her daughter seems to have such intense "fear"? Fear of the dark (or of anything else) can potentially become debilitating. If the dd wants to sleep with the mom, it's a completely different issue than needing to sleep with the mom because she's too afraid to sleep on her own.

Are you in a position to speak to the mom and have her hear you?

Shopmiami49

Sun, Oct 24 2010, 8:09 am

IMO, if the relationship is co-dependent, then the mother probably won't see anything wrong with her child's co-sleeping or her intense fear. This probably feeds into dependency - they are both dependent on each other, and for all we know, the mother could be feeding into her daughter's need...

amother

Sun, Oct 24 2010, 8:14 am

I was in a similar position to the daughter in the OP. My parents were divorced and for some reason I wanted to sleep with my mother at an older age (I think that I started at about 8 stopped around 10).

I'm not quite sure why I wanted to do it. I wasn't afraid of the dark or anything like that.

My mother let me do it until I wanted to stop, and it had no long-term negative effects. I went away to sleep-away camp as a teenager and seminary at 18 ans was 100% fine. Even then I was fine sleeping on my own when I went to visit my father or had a sleepover at a friends house.

As long as the DD is willing to sleep in other places, like at camp, your house, or a friend's house, then I wouldn't worry too much.

Merrymom

Sun, Oct 24 2010, 11:20 pm

It doesn't sound healthy but there's not much you can do about it. Say something once to the mother and then let it go, she's the mother afterall.

amother

Thu, Oct 28 2010, 9:15 am

I can totally relate OP.
My parents are divorced and my youngest brother was sharing a bed with my mother when he was 12!!!
My mother has a big bust and I was really nauseated by the whole thing.
She didn't think there was anything wrong with it. But I think that it is because it satisfied her own needs for closeness that she was missing since the divorce.

It really disturbed me because my brother was getting pretty hormonal with puberty and was not an "innocent".

I don't know what long term effect this had on my brother. He is 15 today and doing well in Yeshiva.

I have no advice to offer. Just sympathy.