Found out about divorce on Facebook.

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Forum -> Relationships -> Manners & Etiquette

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robynm

Fri, Mar 25 2011, 12:25 pm

can I just day something? and I know that we all know this...

but

YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENS INSIDE SOMEONE'S MARRIAGE

rachelbg

Fri, Mar 25 2011, 12:32 pm

When my good friend got divorced she called to tell me about it and asked me to call a number of our friends to let them know what was going on and that any support would be appreciated. That way she was not in an awkward position to tell everyone, yet everyone was well informed and ready to help if needed.

StrawberrySmoothie

Fri, Mar 25 2011, 12:36 pm

rachelbg wrote:

See thats the thing, some people dont want everyone to be "well informed" and "ready to help"

Personally, I just want people to mind their own business and not know any details whatsoever. Not because I am at fault, but because I dont need pity. And what good will it do if they know he beat me and abused me? Maybe it will satisfy their yenta cravings, but thats about it.

1Life2Live

Fri, Mar 25 2011, 12:39 pm

I had a friend who wanted me to tell others she got divorced so she didn't have to take part in awkward conversations. She didn't want support from others, just didn't want them to ask about her DH when he was no longer in the picture.

Ima2NYM_LTR

Fri, Mar 25 2011, 1:13 pm

better than this
http://www.aolnews.com/2011/03.....face/

"Perhaps Facebook needs a relationship status that reads: "Married, but still looking."

Police in Grand Rapids, Mich., say they were able to bust a man on polygamy charges after his first wife noticed he had "defriended" her on Facebook and posted photos of his second marriage.

Richard Leon Barton Jr., 34, reportedly met his first wife, Adina Quarto, online and married the Rhode Island woman in 2004. But the couple quickly became estranged after Barton was hauled back to Michigan and imprisoned for violating his parole, The Grand Rapids Press reports.

With Barton behind bars, the husband and wife fell out of touch, though they eventually reconnected on Facebook about a year ago after Barton's release.

But weeks after they began communicating online, Barton abruptly nixed their Internet friendship, according to Quarto. She became suspicious and snooped around still-public sections of his Facebook page where she discovered photos of Barton and another woman getting married in July.

"I put two and two together. They were definitely his wedding photos," Quarto told the paper. "I was shocked. I didn't think he would be so stupid as to get married without first getting a divorce."

Barton reportedly told his second wife he was divorced.

After realizing her husband had wed another woman, Quarto says she tried to convince Barton to file for divorce -- and only contacted authorities when he failed to do so.

For his part, Barton -- who has been charged with a felony count of polygamy -- claims he thought he signed divorce papers in 2007 when he was incarcerated.

"I let love get in the way," he told the Press."

Mimisinger

Fri, Mar 25 2011, 2:39 pm

I'm not judging anyone. I can understand the difficulty of telling people about your divorce.

I guess I was just shocked, as are all the other people on their page making comments.

mominlkwd

Fri, Mar 25 2011, 3:11 pm

I found out a friend was divorcing on fb. She dropped hints - never said it outright. Things like she's done.....she can't take it any more, she's all alone and sad and than that she's moving.... in with a roomate, than she started counting down the days and than its was MAZAL TOV!!!! Granted the first few hints I didn't get and I'm sure others didn't get any since people asked what the mazal tov was for but that was her personal way of dealing with it and it's not really my business. If I was a close friend I'm sure she would have told me but I'm not, I'm a fb friend which is TOTALLY different.

On fb you can also have hundreds of friends so should she send them all a message explaining it all? even those she hasn't spoken to since high school or longer?

It's complicated - just wish her well and don't say anything crazy!!

singleagain

Wed, Apr 06 2011, 9:58 am

I just went through a divorce, started around aug/sept, once it was clear that my husband had "checked out" of the marriage, this was about oct/nov, I started to tell ppl, face to face, and I didn't change my status on facebook to divorced until after I got my get in feb. my mother told me that he had changed his status in like jan, which upset me, but she explained to me, that since aug, he'd not really thought of himself as married. and the main reason, I put divorced, and not single, or not removing my statuses all together, was b/c one of the things the rabbi reminded me, was that I cannot marry a cohen, and therefore, when I am ready to start dating again, if someone shows my facebook profile to a guy, they will know right off, if they are a cohen not to get involved. (and I say it like that, b/c my ex's cousin, had shown his profile to my mother) I saw no reason to defriend him, (leaving that up to him) or to detag my pictures of him and our engagment, and wedding etc, b/c that would be like saying my marriage didn't happen, when it did. Yes, it was loving and fun, and yes, we obviously hit a spot we couldn't get past, which is why we divorced, but pretending it didn't happen is ridiculous, b/c it did happen, and that will forever be a part of me, and shape who I become. besides, when I changed my status, it didn't pop up in anyone's news feed. and as for that awkward question, "how/where is your husband?" or worse "how's married life?" my answer is, "I don't know, ask someone who is married/has a husband." haven't really tried it yet, b/c I had told most of the important ppl (ie ppl I see) before the get, that it was coming. but I guess, we'll see what happens when I re-meet my college or high school friends who haven't heard.

bottom line, it can be difficult to tell ppl, espec ppl who you barely see, and if fb is the way it happens, don't freak out all over their walls, if you are really that concerned, send them a private message, or pick up the phone and call, facebook makes it too easy to overshare, and if you don't keep up being facebook friends, what's the point?

just my three cents

chocolate moose

Wed, Apr 06 2011, 10:26 am

I don't like to say mazel tov on a person's divorce. I've even been defriended because of that.

StrawberrySmoothie

Wed, Apr 06 2011, 10:42 am

chocolate moose wrote:

I don't like to say mazel tov on a person's divorce. I've even been defriended because of that.

You do know that the Torah says that that is an appropriate response? I don't know the source but that's what we are told.

singleagain

Wed, Apr 06 2011, 1:05 pm

re the mazal tov thing... personally, I hated to hear, "omg, I'm so sorry" etc. espec after I got used to the idea, then my thinking became, "why are you sorry, when I'm not" only one person told me "mazal tov" which was someone who was divorced himself...

and when you think about it, "mazal tov" means literally, "good luck" I know that we use it as a congratulations, but a lot of times, this a positive step someone is taking in their life, and they need support and encouragement from friends and family, not sympathy.

if you really don't like saying mazal tov, say something, like, "I wish you luck, on this new path your taking, please let me know if I can be of any help"

StrawberrySmoothie

Wed, Apr 06 2011, 1:11 pm

I was just talking to someone and it came up that I am seperated. They had no idea that there was anything going on and truly felt sorry for asking a question that led to me telling them so they said "besuros tovos" which is a very neutral kind of nice answer. At least to me. I guess it also depends on who it is and how they say it.

thatgirl

Wed, Apr 06 2011, 1:16 pm

Chavelamomela wrote:

I think you're taking way too much time and thought to something that is really not your business.

I think it was probably the most effective and efficient way of informing friends whom they didn't feel needed a phone call.

Really, stop overthinking why people do these things. Divorce is HARD. don't criticize their way of informing the world.

Agree!!

mominlkwd

Wed, Apr 06 2011, 3:08 pm

singleagain wrote:

Just want to say that you sound like an amazing person.

robynm

Wed, Apr 06 2011, 9:14 pm

StrawberrySmoothie wrote:

I like that!!

chocolate moose

Thu, Apr 07 2011, 11:34 am

yes, I do too. I think that's very hopeful and sensitive.

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