Funerals/Shiva Calls Which ones do you go to?

manyhats

Thu, Mar 10 2011, 6:10 pm

We get shul notices about funerals/Shiva. Do you have criteria for deciding which to attend.

I used to have more time and in general went when I knew the person.

Wondering if it would be all right to limit my participation to people I had a relationship with.

Your thoughts? Bracha

PinkFridge

Thu, Mar 10 2011, 10:24 pm

It's nice that your shul has that family feeling but seems to me quite appropriate to limit to people you know. If you feel that you need to participate in some way as a member of the shul, a note to the family expressing your sympathy and, if possible, including something nice and meaningful you've heard about the departed seems like quite a nice effort. Those left behind get a lot from knowing that people cared, and that their loved one mattered to others.

Isramom8

Fri, Mar 11 2011, 2:49 am

Oy, the cycle of life...my 18 year old dd has a similar question about vorts and chassunas.

shabbatiscoming

Fri, Mar 11 2011, 2:53 am

My parent's shul also has this. It is a phone recording telling of the passing of someone. Every shul member gets the phone call. If my parents are friends with the family, they will definitely go (miss work, that sort of thing). If they only know the person and are just acquaints, they will have to decide.
But they always try to pay a shiva call, no matter what.

Ruchel

Fri, Mar 11 2011, 3:46 am

It's a good idea to give notices!

Be it for vorth, chassuna or c'v this, I would only go if I knew the people well enough.

My dh also goes when there won't be minian (small family, or non frum family, or family abroad etc).

chocolate moose

Fri, Mar 11 2011, 10:28 am

manyhats wrote:

We get shul notices about funerals/Shiva. Do you have criteria for deciding which to attend.

Well, the mitzvah of levayas hameis applies to a funeral. Anyone can go, and if I happen to be around, I certainly go,whether or not I knew the person or people involved.

I don't know that paying a shiva call is less of a mitzvah (I guess it is) but if the ovel is overwhelmed at the funeral, more or less people don't really matter; whereas sitting shiva at home with hardly anyone to come isn't ... mentchlict at all.

Ruchel

Fri, Mar 11 2011, 10:41 am

The thing is, not everyone wants many shiva visits, especially from vague acquaintances. My dh was like that.
He also really disliked hearing tons of stories of his father and having to pretend it wasn't boring, and those who weren't boring because he could relate to them, made him sad. He says his friends who lost a parent or grandparent were the same...

PinkFridge

Fri, Mar 11 2011, 10:51 am

Ruchel, now that you mention it, shiva visits from vague acquaintances, unless they would know the avel or have something meaningful to impart does strike me as something I wouldn't find comforting. I'd think I'd rather be alone. (And having been through shiva, though as a kid, I think I can put myself in my hopefully-in-the-very-distant-future shoes.)

thekosherchannel

Tue, Apr 12 2011, 2:18 am

I think it's two separate mitzvos-
1-escorting the mes
2-being menachem ovel

One is your relationship with the departed. The second is your relationship with the mourner.
I think going to either depends on the hierarchy of those relations.

Generally when paying a shiva call, if the mourner is a woman I go and if a man, DH goes. And I try to take my older children if a teacher or close friend, hv"S is sitting.

May we have many many simchos~

drumjj

Tue, Apr 12 2011, 2:33 am

ive not been to many funerals, only of those who I was very close to either the one who passed away or I was close to the one that was left. shiva, so ive been to many that im not that close to but its not easy, I think if I didnt have an obligation I would only go to those that I was friendly with