How do you explain divorce to a kid?

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> School age children

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geemum

Fri, Jun 03 2011, 1:50 pm

There are several boys in my sons' grade/school who's parents are divorced. In one case the parents both live in the same town and the kids spend equal time with each parent; in another the other parent lives abroad.

My son has asked why "Yehoshua" lives sometimes with his mommy and sometimes with his tatty. why don't they live in the same house?

My question is:
how do you explain the reality of divorce to a child (elementary school age) without freaking him/her out or minimising the importance of marriage?

Fri, Jun 03 2011, 1:57 pm

I just read a book called the Dollhouse...if you like to read, I strongly suggest it.
It is written from the perspective of a 5 y-o (frum)girl going through the divorce of her parents. It is very insightful as to how their minds work.

Maybe it could help?

Fri, Jun 03 2011, 2:59 pm

We were straightforward about it. This worked for our (non-divorced) family, to explain divorce to a school-aged child:

"Yehoshua's" parents decided not to be married any more. That's why they don't live in the same house. It is a very personal decision to get a divorce, and it was probably a difficult and unhappy time for the family. So we're going to respect their privacy and just try to understand that they did what was right for them.

(child thinks about this and asks if Mommy and Daddy are going to get divorced, too)

Response: Fortunately, most people don't get divorced. Daddy and I are very happy to be married to each other.

Hope this helps!

fromnj

Fri, Jun 03 2011, 3:21 pm

I'm divorced and sometimes I go to the homes of my kids' friends without them because my kids are with their father. So they ask: "Where are X and Y?" and I say "with their abba." and they ask why I don't live with X and Y's abba. I tell them he and I are divorced because we wanted different things out of life and decided we would be happier apart. That is pretty much OK with all of the kids I've spoken to and their parents.

I also think when you explain this to your son, you should stress to him that the child's parents both love him very much and are always that child's mommy or daddy even if the children are with the other parent. My children get very hurt when we are out and other children say "X doesn't have an abba" when they really mean "X's abba is not here." I know it is hard for kids to understand the concept, but I don't think it is too early for kids to understand being sensitive to others, kwim?

geemum

Sun, Jun 05 2011, 4:52 am

Thanks for your responses. All are helpful and have given me the courage to just openly discuss with my son. Thx

NotInNJMommy

Sun, Jun 05 2011, 12:55 pm

I think it's important to remember that divorce IS a mitzvah--albeit one we don't seek out.

I tell my kids' friends when they see me at meals or at shul without my kids answers like the above poster: "They're with their tatty today."

When it was new that we weren't living together anymore, then divorce came up. Most of my friends mentioned it to their kids first to avoid awkward interrogation of me by their kids. But, even if I was asked "where are they? where is there father? why don't you live together?" I would just say that he and I got divorced, and it was a grown up decision between me and him--and the best thing for all of us.

or, if just asked "are you divorced?" I would just hold my head up and frankly say "yes." Divorce isn't a disease or an aveirah. It IS a mitzvah in the appropriate time and place and nothing, imho, to be ashamed of--certainly when I know inside that it was the best decision and the best thing to do for all of us.

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