PLEASE SAVE ME! | Imamother

amother

Sun, Jul 31 2011, 7:05 pm

Just when I think I fit can't get any worse, it does. I feel like I am living in an insane asylum these days, but today took the cake. I feel so frustrated that I have to have challenging children, it makes me wann kill myself sometimes. My oldest DD is 5. She's what you would call oppositional defiant. She's brilliant, and she takes advantage of others by lying and black mailing, including myself and DH. She has no fear of us and just threatens us back when we carry out any consequence. If I take her by the hadn to put her in time-out, she will pinch my hand, or bite it. She has no fear and it is EXTREMELY difficult not to get physical with her as she does it to us. Then her younger brother, 3, is hyperactive and impulsive. I just got approved for services through the board of ed for him, but I need services at home as well. He throws everything all over the place and gets extremely wild creating havoc in the house. He spills all his food and takes the faucet and sprays water all over the kitchen. My DD eggs him on in it and then brings it to my attention so that she can watch the ensuing drama. This morning, she took out a 32 oz container of yogurt that was full. She gave it to him knowing her would make trouble and he spilled it all over the kitchen table and floor and "ice skated" in the stuff. When I put him in time-out for it, he just laughed. I also have a newborn who is up a lot and DH works all day, so I'm completely on my own. The house was already a mess from shabbos, and I didn't need anything extra to clean. It's impossible to nurse my baby. When I do, DS runs into the bathroom and makes a flood all over. I try to give them special toys to occupy themselves with, but DS will just throw all the pieces all over the place and ruin the games. He doesn't know how to take turns, so DD, although she could play a game nicely, gets frustrated by him. If she builds a tower from lego, or makes something from blocks, he is sure to come and ruin the entire thing. He also throws his shoes on her and everyone else. If I give him a timeout, he cries for 5 seconds but when he comes out, he continues to do the same thing. I can give him 3 timeouts in a row but he just doesn't get it. Meanwhile, DD is very frustrated, and being her physical aggressive slef, she bites him, pulls his hair and hit him out of frustration. I can understand her frustration at him for ruining everything, and she really takes it out on him. So he does the same back at her. I CAN'T HANDLE IT ANYMORE. I have to pay attention to them 24/7, if I take my eye off once, or go to the bathroom, there will be havoc. I gave them playdough for one of the feedings of my newborn today. 10 minutes later there was clay spread all over the carpet and all over the dining room. The kids were biting and hitting each other again cuz DS squashed DD's sculptures that she made. WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO????I understand her frustration yet DS has special needs and is all over the place. Then DD comes out of the blue and provokes DS by stepping on his hand or pulling his hair because she likes his reaction to her. I left her for 1 minute in the same room as the baby so that I can put DS in timeout. When I came back, she was holding the baby upright. I shrieked (instinctively, I know it wasn't the best reaction) and she dropped the baby on his head onto the floor! I am at my wits' end! I can;'t handle it anymore! I get like 3 hours of sleep every night, broken up, not in a row. I have no help because everyone is away and there are no babysitters around so I am stuck with my kids all day. I try to do fun things but everytime they end up in a fight or tantruming, etc. Why oh why did God make it so hard on me? I understand to give me one difficult child, but 2??? And now a newborn that doesn't sleep? Oh, and let's not even comment about how my house looks, it looks like a holocaust. I'm usually very neat and organized, and I can't stand messes, but how can I clean when I am just putting one foot in front of the other? Don't tell me to ask DH for help, he works very hard, long hours and when he gets home he complains that I don't pay attention to him and it's my fault I couldn't find anyone to help me with the kids...

SOMEON PLEASE SAVE ME!

Tal

Sun, Jul 31 2011, 8:22 pm

Boy, Do I feel for you!!

Am I allowed to ask where do you live? If you are in my area maybe I can help a little.

I will continue to think of ideas for you! But this is what I can come up with off hand.

If you are getting services for your 3 year old, can that include help in the house?

Can your 5 year old get services? While she gets it you can have a few minutes quiet.

I found that with active children you have to give them energy releasing activities, does she jump rope?

Teach her to jump rope, challenge her to a hula hoop. have her run 5 times around the table.

Ask her to draw a picture of why she is did something agresive, like can you draw why you gave him the yougurt to spill?

What is her strong point? language? artistic? athletic? (yes, at 5 years you can have an idea).

Maybe instead of punishing give her a big hug and kiss and reasure her, Do you know how much mommy loves you? (she probably feels unloved, that is why she likes to see her brother get punished too!)

With all said and done, you need REST!!

I'll try to think of more ideas. I know how you feel!!

Dolly Welsh

Sun, Jul 31 2011, 10:04 pm

Professional help needed. Glance at Miriam Adahan's website. Talk to your Rav. Your pediatrician. Light candles, even electric ones, every single Friday, exactly on time, with one for each child on top of the two basic candles. Mikvah. Playpens. Take charge. White noise machine. Reduce stimulations to children. Get professional evaluations of them. Keep stuff out of their reach. Get at least one, maybe two, other people to be with you, during the time DH at his work. These women should be very experienced old hands with children. Ask a social worker for referrals. Ask the Rav for a private fund to pay for it; he will know how to work that out. You must not be alone all day with this.

You are a champ and a hero for reaching out to this forum.

If you feel awkward with the Rav, approach your Rebbetzin.

DH has to exert his presence and his authority, even if tired after work. He doesn't have to do anything fancy, just be there, awake, present, talking, handling things. The kids need him. He must NOT head to another room to read or sleep. He gets his un-wind time on the WAY home.

Keep asking people for help until you get somewhere with somebody; you need more people around in the house, more pairs of eyes, more pairs of hands.

gila-rina

Sun, Jul 31 2011, 11:31 pm

#1 you need to somehow get to rest more. Does the 3 year old take a nap still? Can you send at least one of the kids to a babysitter for a couple of hours?
Also, when I didn't have kochos to clean I wouldn't let play dough, markers, paints eta. in the house. There are coloring books that come with special markers that only work inside the book. There are pictures that you "paint" with water. Nursing used to be reading time in our house. I would nurse on the couch while two kids would sit on both sides and listen (hopefully). I used to tell my kids to run around the table a few times, to walk on the toes, to walk on the heels, to do jumping jacks, or just twirl - when I saw they needed to get rid of some energy. They also liked Simon says and mother may I games - they were busy, I was able to sit for 15 minutes relatively peacefully.
hope, there were some helpful ideas here. HATZLACHA!

grace413

Mon, Aug 01 2011, 1:58 am

You certainly have your hands full. My 2 kids have also always been very challenging and full of energy.

A few tips:

If you can take them to the park do it, even if seems like a shlep. I used to have my kids run races with each other to tire them out. If you take water and snacks you'll be able to stay out longer.

Put latch locks on the outside of bathroom doors and any other rooms that you don't want. them in. This reduces water mess. Yes, they will have to tell you to open the door when they need the toilet. It's worth it.

Refrigerator lock, oven lock, microwave lock.

Oppositional defiant will keep pushing as hard as they can. She will keep challenging you. (sorry). You have to show her that you are in charge. Ignore her threats and blackmail. If she physically hurts you continue with taking her to time out.

You must find a way to get some sleep because you will not be able to function. At least my kids slept well and napped. Sometimes it's very hard to find a sitter for challenging children but you need a break.

I would also suggest professional help. When my DS was very wild at age 5 (he's a teen now) my pediatrician suggested locking him in his room for short amounts of time - no way he would just stay in there time out. This was after he was strong enough to push out the baby gates from the doorway (I had one on top of the other).

You might try a reward system although it didn't work with my kids. Start small - 5 minutes of quiet gets a sticker. Do this several times a day. If it works, they get a small prize at the end of the day and Abba comes home they show him and he praises them.

When you've had some sleep and have a few minutes (I know, ha ha) I strongly suggest reading "Raising Your Spirited Child". I found the book, which focuses on dealing with kids according to their temperment (and the mom's), to be very helpful.

Good Luck.

amother

Tue, Aug 02 2011, 9:13 pm

Hi everyone, OP here. Thanks so much for all your input. It feels so good to be validated, esp when I'm feeling so isolated and alone. All my friends are away for the summer and it feels as though every teenage girl is in sleepaway camp. BH I can afford the help but there is literally no one around. My DH wants me to get the help, he knows how difficult my kids are (but sometimes he forgets Wink

). My kids know how to open latch locks, have destroyed the fridge lock that I put up, and climb out of cribs. I couldn't take my kids to the park because it was too hot and I can't take my newborn outside for too long in the heat. I took my kids to Target to walk around for an hour and it ended with tantrums that they didn't get something they wanted. I turn some DVD's on but there's only so much screen time they can have in a day. There is NO WAY that my kids will sit quietly to listen to me read them a book. More likely they'll fight about who sits where and which book we read, etc. I can't get services for my daughter, she's too smart. DH helped a little today and it made a world of a difference. My kids are in camp during the week but not on Sunday, Shabbos and Friday, and it gets lonely being that it's so hot outside.

Main thing is, I feel VALIDATED that my job as mom is hard. No one really validates me. If I ever complain to my mom or MIL, they just tell me that my kids are so well behaved by them. It makes me feel like a failure. And of course my kids are good by grandma, when they get all the junk they want and get unlimited attention with no discipline.

JewishMother18

Wed, Aug 03 2011, 9:13 am

amother wrote:

If I ever complain to my mom or MIL, they just tell me that my kids are so well behaved by them. It makes me feel like a failure. And of course my kids are good by grandma, when they get all the junk they want and get unlimited attention with no discipline.

I don't know where you are in relation to your parents or inlaws but perhaps they could help out by taking one or other of the children for at least one day a week (alternating each time if possible) so that it relieves you a little.

If you can find someone to help out then give the other child some one on one attention, especially while the baby is asleep and hopefully that will help calm them down a bit - it sounds to me like they are both craving attention. I know it's difficult, I had two of the same age gaps, some issues and it was a constant run around and challenge.

Health is a Virture

Wed, Aug 03 2011, 9:59 am

a few suggestions. #1: you might be a great parent, but realize that your kids are difficult. Taking a parenting course (a good one) is always helpful. #2: go on line (when??) to Miriam Adahan's website and watch her parenting videos...very good for this age. You'd be surprised how even the most defiant kids can actually gain from her methods (she knows: she raised some herself.) #3: Get your kids otu of the house!!! Learn to nurse with a sling and at the park. find lots and lots of parks and/or indoor playgrounds. #4: Find someone, even a young girl now that school is out, to take your 2 older ones OUT OF THE HOUSE..a park would be a good idea.
#5: Is there any way that you can send your 2 older ones to a camp? If you can't afford it, there might be some organization in your community that can help finance it. Taking care of 3 young children is very, very hard. Taking care of 3 young difficult children is almost impossible without any help. Reach out others.

find the time to give to yourself by sending kids to babysitter and you going to a shiur, to exercise, to go out with friends, whatever is good for you.

One other thing, even if your shalom bayis is great, work on it some more. When shalom bayis is lacking, children will react ALWAYS in some way. So ensure that all is well in that area, and if not, seek help.

If there is any way that you can get cleaning help, even if just once a week, I would highly recommend it. Again, if finances is a problem, I would ask for help from others if need be.

YOUR PEAce of mind comes first, and again, I reiterate go to Miriam Adahan;s webpage and learn some basic tools to help with child raising.

amother

Wed, Aug 03 2011, 5:36 pm

Jewish Mother wrote:

amother wrote:

OP here. I used to do this but what happened was that my kids came home even crazier. They get plied with junk, get absolutely every whim fulfilled and there are no boundaries set. When they come home they expect that and go mad at me. I realized it's not worth it because I pay for it after. I'd rather have a girl take them out to the park or something - but there are no girls available in my area! I am dreading 9 Av. I called a few babysitters and no one wants to help. Sad

amother

Wed, Aug 03 2011, 6:15 pm

I just want to validate you again that things sounds HARD. I have extremely difficult kids (3 with ADHD and one with dyslexia/learning disabilities) and there were (and still are!) times when I literally thought I was going crazy. I had one son who as a baby (maybe 18 months old) used to open the fridge, pull out the eggs, and throw them on the floor Very Happy

. I can laugh about this now, but believe me, at the time it wasn't so funny...He also used to go around to all of my plants and take dirt out and dump them on the floor. This usually happened when I was nursing, in the bathroom, etc. I literally needed eyes in the back of my head.

It does get easier. But like everyone here is saying, until it does, don't be afraid, embarrased, etc. to ask for/pay for help. Even if you have to get a [gentile] (you said there aren't many girls/teens around).

B'hatzlacha and don't forget to daven that Hashem should help.

groisamomma

Wed, Aug 03 2011, 6:20 pm

People may disagree with me, but I think you need ideas that will work NOW, in addition to all the ideas about services, chessed girls, etc. Having had 4 children under 3 yrs. old that can probably rival your two kids in behavior: egg-throwing contests, ketchup smearing all over the kitchen table, walls--they made "grilled cheese" and giggled the entire time, undo all the linen in the entire house when my back was turned, you name it, they've done it. I got sprayed more than a few times from the kitchen sink hose and my tub was overfilled and overflowed when one came inside to use the bathroom when we all played outside. The list goes on and on...

I can tell you there's hope for them and you. As they grow up, they'll hopefully get under control a bit. But for now, one thing that worked for me was a bit unconventional. If time-out doesn't work, which you said it doesn't, try putting the younger one into a high chair or booster, strapped. Tell him that "it seems like he needs to learn how to color/paste/play nicely, so he'll sit here and watch his big sister do it." When he settles down considerably (he may scream and cry in the beginning) let him out to show you he can behave. If it recurs, he goes right back in. Your daughter will feel special bec. she's "teaching" him how to play nicely; make it clear to her you need her "big girl help" with this. Strapping him in meanwhile will give you several minutes to catch your breath. Oh, and if he can unstrap himself easily use something like a complicated belt (or even duct tape) to keep him in there. Once he realizes you mean business, he'll stop trying to open the strap and you won't need to do it.

Desperate times call for desperate measures. Best of luck and keep posting for chizzuk!

marina

Wed, Aug 03 2011, 7:22 pm

Quote:

She's what you would call oppositional defiant. She's brilliant, and she takes advantage of others by lying and black mailing, including myself and DH. She has no fear of us and just threatens us back when we carry out any consequence. If I take her by the hadn to put her in time-out, she will pinch my hand, or bite it. She has no fear and it is EXTREMELY difficult not to get physical with her as she does it to us.

Do you currently use any behavior systems with her? 1-2-3 magic? Rosemond? Is time out your main system?

There are many, many parenting books and systems out there for children just as difficult as yours. None of them are perfect, you have to pick and choose the parts that work for your family. The main parts of all of these systems is to have a graduated approach (lighter consequence first), pick the right consequences, and finally to always be consistent and super-calm. To me, it seems that the last part, being very calm, would be most important with an ODD child.

In our family, we use a combination of 1-2-3 and John Rosemond. Basically, the kids have a chart and they get a check each time they do something unacceptable (fight, whine, ignore directions) and on the 4th check they lose dessert, 5th check they lose any and all screen time and 6th check they are grounded for the rest of the day ( younger ones go to sleep at 6:30 instead). This has worked well for us over a year now.

You have to pick the consequences that will mean something to your child and you have to stick to them. That also means you have to have regular privileges for her that you can take away. In our family, we used to only have dessert on shabbos (and computer time on Sundays only), but now we have it every night, so that if you lose your fourth check it really means something.

Good luck OP

mykidsmother

Tue, Aug 23 2011, 10:49 am

I think I really understand what u are going through. because ive been there, or rather said am there. I have 2 children with issues. and in between those 2 kids I have a very cute lively child but is also acting up cuz of all the attentio the other 2 are getting. and most of the time I feel like I am really losing it. my best way in handling all this stress is only talking to people who are in the same shoe. I do go to chizuk groups so I have found some friends I can talk to when thinks get hard.

did u ever try to apply foir medicaid waiver for your 2-1/2 year old. this might be a bit of a solution. it does take a while to become approved. but it pays to apply. if u need more information on medicaid waiver you can pm me and ill gladly help.

im validating your feelings cuz im in it fully.