How to throw off a man?

Merrymom

Tue, Jan 17 2012, 11:16 am

amother wrote:

I am basically in the same rank, although I am excellent, and yes, people love when I am on shift, workwise. So he knows I can't help him climb the ladder.

He is jewish and religous.

How long will it take him to see that I don't want to be his friend, that I don't chat with him, that my eyes don't light up when he greets me?

When you become boring or he can call you a b. Every woman that doesn't do exactly what a man wants becomes a b, take that as a compliment.

Orchid

Tue, Jan 17 2012, 11:17 am

Unless your husband is a professional killer and comes over with his machete I would not bring in DH to make a point. As a professional, competent person you don't need someone else to stand up for you as it only makes you look weaker. I say continued aloofness as everyone else here already said.

hesha

Tue, Jan 17 2012, 1:39 pm

I would not say anything about not being able to have relationships with other males for religious reasons....don't let him think that you had any sort of relationship with him in the first place. he could interpret it to be more than you even meant. just stay aloof and unpersonal, like others said

amother

Wed, Jan 18 2012, 2:11 am

I am so "happy" to see this post. I am going through the same thing at work. I wanted to post something, but was too embarrassed. Kudos for posting. My colleague is a frum married man though. I had to get some professorial help to get him off my back and to be able to have a working relationship and NOTHING more. At first I tried the cold act - only talking business, but he wasn't getting the message.

I was told now, to tell him directly, that shmoosing with me is inappropriate (when he comes over to shmooze).
If he has a business related issue we can discuss, but nothing more. The point its to make it uncomfortable for him to want to talk to you.
The clearer the message, the better. I think, I have to still have to have this "talk". I'm nervous though!

amother

Wed, Jan 18 2012, 12:20 pm

marina wrote:

I don't understand why you need to do this. He sounds just like a polite friendly guy. No need to hurt his feelings.

I had left it out, didn't think it was important.

When he was still enraged and screaming,(go back to the original post) he shouted that he doesn't know where the meshugana (ie. me) comes from.

When he came back tamed, after a meal and whatever, and learnt that I am that famed xyz worker, and then started all the friendly stuff- sorry, that I don't need. What exactly does he want from me?

Tablepoetry

Wed, Jan 18 2012, 12:23 pm

amother wrote:

marina wrote:

I don't understand why you need to do this. He sounds just like a polite friendly guy. No need to hurt his feelings.

I don't know, but it certainly doesn't sound like he's flirting. At all. At least not in a manner to cause any concern. Act your normal self.

Tablepoetry

Wed, Jan 18 2012, 12:33 pm

I just want to add something. It seems you're in Israel by your first post. Make a big deal out of this, and it will become one. If you start mentioning your 'jealous' dh or playing ice queen, the employee and others will find this super funny. You risk becoming an office joke (even if you are high up on the hierarchy).
The dignified response is not to let his slight bantering get to you AT ALL.

Merrymom

Wed, Jan 18 2012, 3:19 pm

mizle10 wrote:

lol thanks embarrassed

That's a pretty broad statement merrymom

I'm guessing you either don't work with men, have the tremendous good fortune to work with exceptional men, are one of the subservient or unopinionated women, or don't know what they're saying behind your back. In every male dominated office that I've worked in, women who are as tough as the men get spoken about like this, every single time (yes frum men too).

NewYorkgal31

Wed, Jan 18 2012, 3:34 pm

I didn't read all the posts so someone could have already mentioned this or I could be completely off but....maybe he is trying to overcompensate with everything that had happened and how he acted to you originally with trying to "help".....he probably just feels bad.

My advice would be to go over to him and say that you understand that he feels badly about what happened but it's really fine and that you don't have any bad thoughts towards him so he doesn't need to go out of the way to be nice....lets just go back to the way things were before....

marina

Wed, Jan 18 2012, 4:46 pm

Merrymom, I have never worked in an environment like that. And I'm pretty outspoken.

Any culture which promotes the use of those epithets against women risks huge discrimination /harassment lawsuits in this day and age. That is why most companies don't tolerate this anymore.

Merrymom

Wed, Jan 18 2012, 5:05 pm

marina wrote:

Well the largest company I've worked for probably had about 30 or so employees so I don't know what goes on in a large company. I did not make this stuff up though. There were the nice sweet women, usually the secretaries and then some very tough women that always got the b word. I saw the male bosses acting the same but there's no word for them like b is there? They're just being men. Otoh, I don't know what's with women in charge but my female bosses were always incredibly difficult to work with, I'm racking my brains to think of one positive experience and I just can't.

Last edited by Merrymom on Wed, Jan 18 2012, 11:20 pm; edited 1 time in total

Raizle

Wed, Jan 18 2012, 7:08 pm

amother wrote:

How long will it take him to see that I don't want to be his friend, that I don't chat with him, that my eyes don't light up when he greets me?

maybe he is just feeling super guilty or embarrassed about what happened and is trying to make up for it by being really friendly.

I'd just continue doing what you are doing, being aloof, not overly friendly but polite and if he tries to get into conversations just apologize and say you have work to do.

I wouldn't get specific and say "I don't have relationships outside work.."etc because if that's not what this is about then it might get very awkward and reflect badly on you.
Imagine you weren't into a guy and he thought you were. Would you not think that the shoe was really on the other foot?
I think I would.
Or at least I'd think the guy had some sort of hangup or obsession.
so I'd recommend just the cool not rude approach and don't cater to any social advances.

amother

Sat, Feb 25 2012, 2:46 pm

Op here. UPDATE.

I haven't had to work in that branch for a few weeks, and then I heard he had left.

I will keep your advice for the future, bh