How can I get my daughter to take better care of herself?

amother

Thu, Dec 20 2012, 7:32 am

She probably has very low confidence in herself and not much sense of self worth and that's why she doesn't care or just given up. the way a person dresses is also about how they value themselves and self respect. It sounds like she has many challenges and life is not easy for her. Instead of saying repeatedly do something about the acne, you could say it just once and leave it with her, because she does know. I had acne too, and though I have always been very concerned with my appearance, one is very aware of it and it brings down the confidence level a lot. I would suggest that you think of ways she can improve her self confidence and sense of well being and worth as a person. I know this is hard but I think that this is the crux of the problem. You probably don't need to be reminded how many pressures there are at this age, how appearance is EVERYTHING, even amongst Jewish girls, and people think that the way they look is everything. not a fun age or happy age to be, in my opinion.

Peanut2

Thu, Dec 20 2012, 10:04 am

Have you taken her to a dermatologist for the acne? Drug store stuff is sometimes helpful, but not always and not enough. Also, she should discuss it with someone who is not her mother, and a doctor can discuss it general hygiene with her as well but is not her mother and is emotionally detached.

Does she have a bedtime? Do you go to sleep very early? DD very late? She needs to get enough sleep at this age and a bedtime is not inappropriate, at least during the school week, not weekends.

Otherwise, I'd make sure she has soap, shampoo, conditioner, deodorant, and then mostly leave her alone. She is still very young and things will likely change in the next couple of years. She clearly knows you care about this and at 14 that can only make her less likely to do what you want. Wait.

If she actually smells bad then you may want to intervene, either with the help of someone else or by simply stating to her that she must shower at least every two days and wear deodorant daily, or something like that, and with consequences in both directions. But I think it's best not to push and to learn not to care for a bit and see if it changes anything, because it really can.

amother

Mon, Dec 31 2012, 12:54 pm

OP here. Just seeing these- I was away and then crazy busy.

Dd has a dermatologist and is on antibiotics, which do help. I appreciate the insight that acne does what it want-I see that. I also see that she doesn't do the due diligence, but I wonder if that's partly because when she did do it every night, it didn't always help. I think she knows she should be doing the whole washing routine, but forgets a lot or is too tired a lot, so she lies about it.

Re. self-esteem, I have definitely eased back in the last few months as well as focused on other areas, and right now she seems to be doing OK with that. I think the hygiene thing is less about self esteem and more about nuisance for her. She has pretty clips and simple but nice earrings. She just can't be bothered, She put on a headband for her first day of school, and nice earrings for her school shabbaton, but otherwise, since she sees no need, why should she spend the time and effort? A shower takes time she'd rather use to do other things or to sleep, and she doesn't really know that her hair sometimes smells.

Amother from Dec. 19, you do really seem to get dd. She does have a handful of friends who are just like that. But she needs to learn that in this world, you need to maintain a certain standard to be taken seriously. It's nice to say, "I don't need those other girls." It's another to be passed over for things you want to do like chesed activities because the heads see you as not put-together, which many people associate with not being reliable. She is very reliable about the things she cares about, but others don't always see that through how she presents.

At least lately, she seems glad when I point out that her ponytail is messy. We are working on the concept of looking in the mirror before you leave the house.

oohlala and mummiedearest, I like those ideas. I think I might try something like that. After all, she wants to donate on the highest madreigah, right?