Stop inviting my compamy to your home!

amother

Sat, Mar 30 2013, 10:01 pm

My children don't get to come to us too often. One couple only manages to come about about 4 times a year. Another only 6-8 times-for quick weekend visits, not long stays.

So all my children are here for shabbos, and my bil invited them over for a meal. They just got here, one couple can only stay for shabbos, and I want to spend as much time with them as possible. So my bil and sister should NOT be inviting them to leave my house while they are here.

I don't have a problem if my kids want to stop in to visit for a bit, but I do resent their being invited to a meal when they are here such a short time.

[And said bil & sister would blow up at me if I tried to invite any of their guests over to us]

Thank you for letting me vent!

amother

Sat, Mar 30 2013, 10:15 pm

ValleyMom wrote:

why didnt your kids respectfully decline and offer to stop by later in the afternoon for tea and coffee?????

They did recline the offer, and took naps later, so did not go over at all. But I don't want them even put in the position of feeling bad that they have to say no to please me. And they invite my kids every time they come! After a while, they start feeling guilty for saying no every time-but as I said, they come so seldom that I want them to spend as much time with us as they can.

ValleyMom

Sat, Mar 30 2013, 10:47 pm

Isn't it nice to know you raised INTELLIGENT children!!!!

I LOVE your reply!!

After yom tov at some point when you find yourself making small talk with your BIL you can find a way to casually mention how grateful you are to have your children visit on Yom Tov even if it's for for a quick short visit---every moment with them is just bliss!!!

MountainRose

Sun, Mar 31 2013, 5:36 am

First of all, 4 weekends a year is not rare at all. I don't mean to be one of those people coming on saying it could be worse, but I am suffering major homesickness this chag - I haven't been home in over 18 months, and having you call 4 times a year rare just feels unfair.

When I do visit, I try see everyone, and my parents help me achieve that. I'm really happy they don't make me choose between seeing them and seeing extended family.

Second, why make a big deal? You could invite your in-laws over, or accept the invitation on behalf of everyone staying with you.

Shuly

Sun, Mar 31 2013, 5:50 am

We hardly leave Israel and I haven't been to America in almost 3 years. The last 2 times we went, other relatives invited us for meals when we were by my parents.
We declined and went over to visit them at other times. I don't think the relatives were trying to hurt my parents at all. They just wanted to see us and they probably felt funny inviting us just to stop by and not for a full meal.

granolamom

Sun, Mar 31 2013, 7:16 am

we dont see our parents that often at all, so to me, 4 times per year seems pretty regular.
but not the point.

I grew up in a family where it was a BIG deal if you invited someone else's guests. I remember all the bad feelings between my mom and aunt over these types of things. really, can we lighten up a bit? so what if they go for one meal? it doesnt have to be every single time they come, but its kinda nice that your kids have aunts and uncles who want to spend time with them. and is it at all possible that your bil and sil think they are helping you by taking care of them for one meal?

and I think its a great idea to invite them for a meal so they can spend time with the kids on your turf.

amother

Sun, Mar 31 2013, 1:30 pm

If we would all be invited, it wouldn't be so bad, but my sister and bil don't talk to me. They prefer that their kids don't talk to me either. (Most of them do anyway, but only one comes over to my house regularly). I have not ever tried to stop the relationship between my children and their aunt, uncle, and cousins.

They can go there to visit (and usually do) when they are here. But the meals are when we all really enjoy being together as a family. And if I tried inviting their guests to my house my bil would scream and yell. (It happened years ago when a mutual friend stayed by their house for pesach and wanted to come to us for one of the sedarim).

As for those who say that they see their parents less often, my children and I all live less than 3 hours apart. So we see each other at extended family simchas and other get togethers. They also see their aunts and uncles then too. So its not as if I am depriving these relatives of my kids. But we get little time to really connect as a family unit-these shabbosim and yomim tovim are the times when we can and do.
That may seem like a lot to some of you, but its not a lot to us.

And no, they know that I have no problem cooking for any number of people, so inviting them over is NOT helping me.

As for inviting them here, aside from the fact that they won't step into my house, we eat gebroktz, they don't, and they are makpid on keilim too-so they can't eat here.

One more thing. When my kids plan which part of yomtov they are coming to us, or what weekend they want to come, they confer with each other so that they can all be here together, rather than splitting up and not seeing each other-so going over to their aunt and uncle sort of defeats the purpose of spending time together.

amother

Sun, Mar 31 2013, 2:05 pm

granolamom wrote:

Ok I hear you now. There's a lot more going on than just the invite, it's the whole picture. I guess you probably have to resign yourself to the fact that this inviting happens and thankfully your kids know how to handle it.
Vent away. : )

Thank you!

I did send a message to bil-through my nephew age 19-to stop inviting them and why. He said his father just looked at him totally not comprehending why it would bother me. I am not surprised!