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Spinoff of a bunch or threads

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Jewishmom8

Thu, Jun 13 2013, 4:16 am

after reading a bunch of threads and commenting.
I now have a question
as a mother of a bunch of girls.
how do I raise them to be confident smart girls with a backbone?
with strong self esteem and care about others but also themselves.
what do you all think?

FranticFrummie

Thu, Jun 13 2013, 4:57 am

Jewishmom8 wrote:

Be a good role model.
Point out the good middos in other women.
Be lavish with praise for their accomplishments.
Be gentle when you need to rebuke them.
Tell them every day how special and valuable they are.
Give them responsibilities, and tell them that you have faith and trust in them.
Always expect them to do their best, and they'll want to live up to that.

robynm

Thu, Jun 13 2013, 11:41 am

Make sure they know they are loved- no matter what!

Don't be their friend, be their parent and lead by example.

Daven.

lk1234

Thu, Jun 13 2013, 11:48 am

allow them to have their opinions of things. I don't like this food, I don't like this skirt etc. (Even if it is a bit of hassle for you)

allow them to say no, they don't want to do this or that (not constantly because that's just misbehavior, but give them a place where they can have the option to say yes or no.) Can you run to the store to get me something, can you do this or that etc.

tell them how beautiful they are as they are

make sure they feel comfortable in te clothing you buy them (obviously I'm not saying only buy fancy stuff) but buy them things they feel pretty in

love yourself and work on treating yourslef with care and acceptance

smile at her and look into her eyes when she talks about her world

teach her to be independent- and let her do these things around the house
1. how to cook
2. how to do laundry
3. how to do tasks that she will need to know how to do as a woman running a house

I think the most important thing is LISTEN to her. Be there but respect her boundaries. It will teach her that she is loved but deserves respect.

greenfire

Thu, Jun 13 2013, 11:56 am

that's a hard one ... you can do everything in the world to show them and help them have confidence ... but in the end personalities are different and some of us by nature are insecure ...

let them know you love them constantly, that you are always there for them no matter how hard a situation is you will help as best as you can, that nobody in the world can control them - it's up to them as they grow to learn to control themselves and their actions and reactions to their surrounding life ...

daven daven & keep davening

fromthedepths

Thu, Jun 13 2013, 1:05 pm

Be responsive. Make your relationship with them very high priority. Make time for them. Let them know that you enjoy spending time with them.

Work on your own baggage. Read Parenting from the Inside Out by Daniel Siegel.

Jewishmom8

Fri, Jun 14 2013, 7:46 am

all great ideas
TY!

ElTam

Fri, Jun 14 2013, 10:42 am

Great thread. I was talking to DH about this exact issue.

I think in addition to this, you have to talk to them before they get married about good communication, what to do when things get hard in a marriage (because they always do), what red lines are, etc. I want my daughters to know they they are never trapped. If a red line is crossed, they can always come home, that day if need be, and stay while they try to work things out.

The same way now we speak to kids about personal safety, good touch/bad touch, etc., you have to talk to them about the possibility of shalom bayis issues ranging from small things they can work out on their own to larger issues that may need a rav or a therapist for help to things that you simply cannot allow.

freidasima

Fri, Jun 14 2013, 11:06 am

Make sure they have a good paying profession and will never be dependent on anyone for their food.
Make sure that they know that if they are in trouble they should ALWAYS come to you. No matter what. No matter what you feel about it you will listen and help them to the best of your ability. Whether they get "in trouble", whether they get pregnant out of marriage, whatever you can dream up. COME TO YOU. To know that they have who to go to.

Teach them not to be physically, emotionally or financially dependent on anyone else. By example, by giving them a good profession. By putting away money for them from the time they are born that will be THEIRS and no one elses (a "knippel").

Teach them what normative behavior is, what red flags are, what red lines are and what are the red lines that if one passes in a relationship, to leave immediately.

Give them resources. Give them a great education. Give them a great example. Tell them they are strong, intelligent and great.

Tell them not to believe anyone who says men are better than women.

Teach them not to listen to all Rabbis no matter what. Rabbis can make mistakes, Rabbis can be evil, rabbis can be bought. Today like at all times.
Just depends who and which ones. Some are zaddikim, others are rishoim.

Yeah READ MY LIPS. I have seen in my profession too many women in bad marriages whose Dhs take them to rabbis or "rabbis" who in my humble opinion defame that holy word by their actions, and make that woman think she is nothing, that she HAS to obey her husband no matter what and she ends up getting stuck, pregnant over and over, in a bad and abusive marriage.

If you buy her an apartment when she gets married, keep it under YOUR name for a while and make sure she has an airtight prenup.

Teach her about birth control and that she is responsible for her own body.

lk1234

Fri, Jun 14 2013, 11:28 am

freida- can't like your post enough! awesome!!! Especially the part of not feeling dependent and being independent fincanically. I feel that htis is a huge problem for so many women in difficult marriages. They are stuck because they just are not self-sufficient.

Thanks!

Jewishmom8

Sun, Jun 16 2013, 2:04 am

thanks so much for all your ideas.
I feel like there should be an imamother advice book.
I feel like all those things are so important.
And also sometimes its just the cards you're delt.
like one of my girls has always had a hard time with friends. I see she just always now comes into things thinking no one will like her. and she is a follower esp because the girls in the family on top of her are more loud types. I feel like I want to infuse her with self worth and strength.
I hope I am a good role model for them. I am by nature a "strong" personality if something needs to be said I am the one to say it in situations. I hope it dosnt backfire as that can happen.
lots of ideas here to try and of course lots of davening to do.
and I guess also to keep in mind for all of us that we can do everything and more but its not up to us.
anyhow thanks for listening to my rambling!
Wink

Last edited by Jewishmom8 on Sun, Jun 16 2013, 2:47 am; edited 1 time in total

Jewishmom8

Sun, Jun 16 2013, 2:10 am

freidasima wrote:

freidasima thanks for your long post.
Parts of me totally agree with everything but I am not sure how that works all the time.
I don't have sep money from my husband. all out money is used together. I think my husband would feel weird if he found money I was hiding. do oyu htink that a girl should do that until they have real trust? or in case a guy goes bonkers?
I totally am with you with the men not better than women. and I am all out israeli charidi. It is better than most people think it is. at least where I live. but still
I am with you with the corrupt rabbis thing to. yuck.
I wonder how a prenup would even work here. are you talking about a prenup for money or one of those get ones?
TY!

robynm

Mon, Jun 17 2013, 12:06 pm

A woman should definitely have her own source of money. (even it's a secret account) I know that it's hard for women with a strong marriage and trust in their marriage to imagine but there are those of us that really had issues in this matter. Definitely sign a prenup. No need to be stuck In a bad situation later on.

Let's teach the next generation to make smarter decisions than we did.

vintagebknyc

Mon, Jun 17 2013, 12:16 pm

lk1234 wrote:

teach her to be independent- and let her do these things around the house
1. how to cook
2. how to do laundry
3. how to do tasks that she will need to know how to do as a woman running a house

I think the most important thing is LISTEN to her. Be there but respect her boundaries. It will teach her that she is loved but deserves respect.

also, jewishmom, teach these skills to your sons!

Ruchel

Mon, Jun 17 2013, 3:05 pm

We have to be careful and realistic, but also know that marriage is a leap of faith. If you come into it already thinking what you'll do if you'll divorce... not good.

Jewishmom8

Mon, Jun 17 2013, 4:08 pm

vintagebknyc wrote:

lk1234 wrote:

also, jewishmom, teach these skills to your sons!

I TOTALLY agree!

robynm

Tue, Jun 18 2013, 1:28 pm

Ruchel wrote:

We have to be careful and realistic, but also know that marriage is a leap of faith. If you come into it already thinking what you'll do if you'll divorce... not good.

I'm not saying to assume the worst, rather be prepared in case.

ElTam

Tue, Jun 18 2013, 2:43 pm

My grandmother, who was married to her first and only husband until he died, always told us, "A woman should always have enough money to get herself home."

I think a woman should have enough for first and last month's rent, a security deposit, a down payment on a car and a little bit extra that only she has access to. And I say this as a happily married woman. I don't think it's preparing for divorce. It's like vaccination. Chances are I'm never going to be exposed to mumps or diphtheria or whatever, but if it happens that I do, I want my body to be prepared to protect itself.

It's not any different than having extra bottled water and flashlights and canned goods in the house. As they say, hope for the best, but plan for the worst.

socialbird

Tue, Jun 18 2013, 4:33 pm

Educate your daughters and sons to bring in a good parnassah so that they can both contribute to the family without feeling a need for a separate secret bank account in case something goes wrong. And if something does go wrong they aren't so dependent on each other or anyone else either for financial support. But I really feel that we should focus on the positive.

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