Spinoff cosleeping - no intimacy!

amother

Thu, Apr 04 2024, 1:14 am

I'm with the camp of the cosleeping thread, it just works better. Baby literally refuses to sleep in crib, ever. I tried training a couple of times and it was just traumatic and ineffective (I had a long and very sad thread about that). Sleep pattern and quality has gotten better but not ability to sleep without me. Sometimes sometimes he'll stay asleep not actually snuggled with me, but still only in my bed. Sometimes a nap in the stroller but no way to know if it'll last 5 min or 40 min, and almost never at night.

Dh and I are missing each other a lot. We literally never get a break from the baby in the bed. Due to the shape of our room I can't block off all the sides of my bed, and at this point the baby is mobile enough that even if I had a bedrail baby could get over it way too easily if he wakes up which is almost inevitable.

The bed is big but dh is large and heavy so DTD in the bed with the baby in the bed somehow, even if there's technically space, is no way going to be safe (let alone enjoyable.)

So that's it. We have DTD exactly once since the baby was born and even cuddles only in limited amounts. I've now ingested about 6 packs of artificial hormones for basically no reason at all because the baby is better birth control than any doctor could prescribe.

I can't see any solution to this until baby magically decides to not scream upon approaching crib, so I guess this is a vent. But seeing a thread of other people in similar situations (cosleeping by process of elimination) makes me wonder how all their marriages are coping.

amother

Thu, Apr 04 2024, 1:20 am

amother Olive wrote:

We just move the baby to the side of the bed against the wall and thats that.

Like I said dh is large and heavy and I don't feel at all safe with that. He would get lost in the moment and forget to stay away from the baby side. For me and possibly also for him, being on edge about avoiding the baby would make it impossible to enjoy it. And the movement would definitely wake up the baby who would cry. It would be more frustrating than not having relations at all.

imaima

Thu, Apr 04 2024, 1:24 am

amother OP wrote:

Your dh would still enjoy.
Just saying

amother

Olive

Thu, Apr 04 2024, 1:25 am

amother OP wrote:

I mean, to put it bluntly, this is not a way to live on any level. I love co sleeping but if it meant no intimacy I'd sleep train. Even if it meant gentle cry it out. Intimacy is the glue of marriage, its crucial. Don't let your baby destroy that.

amother

Lightpink

Thu, Apr 04 2024, 1:28 am

From the perspective of a much older mommy, I spent my childrens formative years completely negating my needs or wants for them. Years later they are gone and DH and I are left together BH. It might be worth reevaluating your sleeping arrangement for the sake of your marital bond.

amother

Papaya

Thu, Apr 04 2024, 1:28 am

Why can’t you let your baby cry for 30 minutes? Someone will say that I’m cruel but I think what you’re doing to. Your husband is really unkind. If my husband prioritize our baby over me, I would be absolutely devastated. Why can’t you put them in another room just for a little bit? You didn’t even have a quickie but make your husband feel like you love him. It sounds like he also miss it.

amother

Geranium

Thu, Apr 04 2024, 1:35 am

I've been co-sleeping for pretty much the last decade and half straight.

It should not be preventing intimacy though!

Either put baby into crib or stroller and let them cry for a few minutes, or leave baby on the bed near the wall and dtd on a mattress or separate bed.

amother

Thu, Apr 04 2024, 1:38 am

I don't think you understand that the reason I am cosleeping is because the baby WILL NOT SLEEP any other way. I tried gentle crib training. I tried colder but not fully cold turkey sleep training. I tried waiting a couple of months for greater developmental readiness. I tried switching to a different crib. In a crib he wakes up instantly and cries bloody murder until picked up. In my bed he will sometimes sleep without me, but will wake up a lot faster looking for comfort.

Bh I have a kindhearted dh who would not hurt a fly and definitely could not enjoy relations with a screaming baby.

It's been a few months of this (with one lucky break when he fell asleep in the stroller on shabbos, which is the only time dh is home in middle of the day) and I'm starting to despair. Until now I was like, ok this is not good but we'll hold out until we get through sleep training. But at this point it feels like sleep training will never work. I got to the point where he is sleeping through the night (with me) but can't seem to get to the step of sleeping somewhere else.

We do have a second bed but the only way to move them together would not enable the baby to be next to the wall

amother

Aconite

Thu, Apr 04 2024, 1:40 am

amother OP wrote:

Would you actually have s-x in the same bed with your baby a foot away from you?? Am I the only one horrified by this?

heidi

Thu, Apr 04 2024, 1:44 am

amother OP wrote:

I don't know you OP, but I would suggest getting some help from trained professionals- a doctor, a nanny, I think there are even baby sleep trainers nowadays.
It may be difficult but baby will eventually sleep
It may take some crying- but if your attitude is that is "colder" to train that way, baby knows just how to manipulate you.
I think you need to retake control of your parenting.

imaima

Thu, Apr 04 2024, 1:45 am

amother OP wrote:

I absolutely don’t see your issue. What’s with the beds? Leave them apart. Prop something on sides so the baby doesn’t fall out. You only need it for the duration of intimacy.
Do you have a living room with a couch? Why won’t you think 1 inch outside the box for your marriage?
I have coslept with multiple kids. They don’t have to be by the wall.

amother

Thu, Apr 04 2024, 1:47 am

amother Geranium wrote:

Why do you need to move the beds together? Leave the baby on your regular bed near the wall, you DTD on the second bed or a mattress or a blanket on the floor.

I cannot leave baby anywhere except the crib where he would scream. He moves FAST. if he wakes up when I'm in a position that I cannot move FAST, he will end up face first on my wood floor. And Murphy's law says that is exactly when he would wake up.

amother

Geranium

Thu, Apr 04 2024, 1:47 am

OP, if you're concerned about your baby falling out of bed, take your mattress off the frame and put it on the floor. There, all danger gone.

(This is something I've done myself.)

Alternatively, put a second mattress on the floor. Put baby to sleep with you on that mattress. Then move to your regular bed to dtd.

amother

Thu, Apr 04 2024, 1:52 am

imaima wrote:

Baby is strong enough to climb over anything I would prop on the sides.

How does a living room couch help? First of all the living room does not have a door to lock. Secondly where is the baby in that scenario? In confused.

I also think the 1 inch outside the box comment is needlessly harsh. You don't have to believe me but I did already relate that I tried several rounds of several methods of sleep training and considered all the workaround ideas I could think of with no success. I came here desperate for help and support and I'm getting a ton of judgment. If you don't relate to this situation then you can't help so please leave me alone.

imaima

Thu, Apr 04 2024, 1:53 am

amother OP wrote:

A baby who was asleep a second ago will take some time to fully wake up and crawl. It won’t be right away