obsessive thoughts in preteen

amother

Wed, Aug 21 2013, 5:44 pm

I don't know if I should post this in raising children or emotional health, but for now, chose this forum.

Ok, please let me know how nervous should I be? My 12 year old DD told me last night that she is bothered by the fact that when she does something "wrong" she can't stop thinking/worrying/feeling guilty about it. Examples she gave me were, that she sat on someone's bed (in camp) and the person said in a joking way that she was upset (the person whose bed it was) but even though she said she really didn't care, my DD kept feeling bad about it. Also, she owed someone a penny and she said she worried about it a lot. . .

It is bothering her that she thinks/worries/feels so guilty about these things that she knows are not a big deal. She said it just started recently. She does not have anything she does about it (other than worrying/feeling guilty), meaning, I don't think she has any compulsions. Her outward behavior looks totally normal to me, I am just nervous because she said it bothers her (and she is not typically melodramatic or a kvetch) so if she even said anything to me, it must be something. She said she tries to distract herself but it doesn't work. Another example she gave is that morning (of the conversation), I said "I love you" to her and she didn't say it back, maybe I felt bad. . . She KNOWS I don't really care and that's her point-that she can't stop worrying/obsessing over things she knows she shouldn't.

I don't know if this is relevant or not but she does well academically, socially, behaviorally etc at home and school.

I told her I would think about what to do and would talk to her again on shabbos. Any ideas of what questions I should be asking her further and what I should be doing about it? Do I take her to a psychologist? Psychiatrist? Again, outwardly, she seems the same to me, but it is definitely bothering her (which seems like a red flag to me) and from what I'm reading online (I know, I shouldn't!) her thoughts seem to be obsessions.

Any insight is appreciated.

TIA!

amother

Wed, Aug 21 2013, 5:58 pm

amother wrote:

Both my girls went through that at approx that age or a bit younger.
I was worried. I reassured them a million times and I explained things in detail. I also told them it's very natural, and many people go through this stage (I did too). I remember my father said the same thing to me as a child. I think it's a mistake to blow this into a huge problem. It should pass on its own.
They both got through it, although they still have some minor anxiety issues that come up in other areas.

Thank you so much for the reassurance, I am really hoping this is nothing! She has never shown any signs of anxiety in any way, shape, or form until now. Is that typical? I did not go through this at (any age) and did not realize that it was common in girls this age.

Dolly Welsh

Thu, Aug 22 2013, 10:54 am

Sounds like a normal maturation process of learning how far to go, when judging yourself and others. You should model the right way, and she will imitate you, and acculturate.

In time, she will learn how serious something is, BUT without just dismissing it completely.

It's socialization.

Keep the talking going. Verbalize your own evaluative thinking about your own choices, and your own self-judgments.

She is asking for moral instruction.

Make sure her father is modeling and discussing also. Talk this over with him when you are sure she can't hear.

She's read the books, now she wants to know how an adult lives them. She's growing up, knows the stakes are higher, and wants to get it right.

Do NOT airily dismiss, or worse, mock her "weakness"; it will turn out to be a strength longterm. Or let herself, or anybody else do that. They may.

Protect, but also instruct.

This isn't anxiety, it is intelligence and depth. Don't psychologize it.

I am not a shrink, you should know. Just mho.

FranticFrummie

Tue, Aug 27 2013, 7:15 am

amother wrote:

As someone in my mid 30's who has suffered from anxiety and obsessive thoughts since I was little, I wish my parents would have taken me to get help when I was young. Can't hurt to get her checked out.

How/with who do I get her checked out?

Call your local children's hospital, and schedule an appointment with a developmental psychologist. It really can't hurt to talk to someone, and it will make your DD feel better. Make sure that she doesn't think that you're thinking she's "crazy". Tell her that she's going to see someone, and that they just want to talk about what's bugging her lately. My DD loved going to the meetings, and it made her feel so much better about herself.

marina

Tue, Aug 27 2013, 7:25 am

amother wrote:

I will second this under my own name.

Obsessive thoughts, in adolescence, is horrible. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. I eventually figured out how to keep it in check and I'm fine now, but my junior high years were awful. Awful.

Also, b/c I thought I was the only one, and in fact, every single sibling after me had the same thing.

Don't blow this off and don't just accept it as normal development. It's not.

amother

Mon, Sep 02 2013, 5:21 pm

OP here.

ok, so after everyone's responses, googling, and talking to my daughter again, I think it's more anxiety than obsessive thoughts although I'm not sure. Definitely nothing compulsive going on.

We made up to talk about it again and she said it has not gotten particularly better, that it's annoying but if there's nothing to be done and she assumes that is so, she will live with it.

She could not think of any examples that happened during school (meaning she said it didn't happen during school/with friends recently) but she thought of some from home (which I noticed as well, but I wanted to see if she would mention them, and she did).

Basically, we had a week or so between camp and school and she decided to bake and cook a lot. She's 12 and in the course of things, managed to break a pyrex measuring cup, treif up some utensiles, etc. She had about one "mishap" a day and each time I reacted very calmly (it didn't take effort, I honestly was okay with it) but each time after it happened she would say something like "is it my fault? should I have been more careful? etc and needed reassurance from me that it was fine and these things happen when kids are learning to cook).

It did seem slightly needy to me (the need for reassurance, I am not an easily angered parent and certainly didn't care about any of these mishaps, I'm thrilled she's showing an interest/learning to cook!) but nothing crazy. I asked her if after I told her it was okay she was able to move on or did she still worry about it and she said after I said it was okay, she was able to move on.

The only thing that concerns me (aside from the fact that it seemed a bit excessive to me) is that it concerns her-and she's not normally a kvetch. (She has also not been, until now, particularly anxious).

I am torn as to whether to take her to a psychologist/psychiatrist or not-it is definitely not interfering/getting away with her life and for the people who say "what harm can it do?", I worry about it making her view herself as a problem etc. She actually voiced that concern to me already-saying "is it a problem that I am doing this. . . and I could tell was hoping I'd say no, which I did and she seemed relieved to hear that. If I tell her now that we are going to discuss it with a psych, won't she not believe me about that? I'm not sure if I'm putting this clearly. Obviously, if it gets away with her daily life etc, I would say the potential good outweighs the potential harm but at this point I don't know what the potential good is really anyhow-I can't imagine she'd get put on medication at this point.

Okay, my thoughts are a jumble and not coming out so clearly, please let me know, with this additional information what you think I should do!

TIA