Heartbreaking Tablet Article - What can we do?

Frumfemme

Sun, Oct 06 2013, 8:11 pm

This is a truly tragic article. As a step mother to four kids, and a Mom to three (two from the current marriage) I can say that a broken home is truly no home for the children. Short of abuse, whatever one or other of the parents has to do to get back together should be done. The day the first child was born, is the day that one's own goals and priorities took a back seat....forever. The scars the children will bear whether they are in a frum or a secular environment will be horrendous. What a lose-lose for the children AND the parents.

I adore my step kids, and, thank Gd, they love me, too. Yet every day I see them struggle in relationships, with self-esteem, with jobs, due to scars from their parents separating. My own firstborn, whose dad walked out one day, has similar questions and issues. Tomsee their pain, day in, day out is truly enough to bring me to tears.

They say that the altar weeps when two get divorced, but the children's heart weep forever for their loss. May Hashem rescue us all from such pain!

BlueRose52

Sun, Oct 06 2013, 8:28 pm

Since people keep making the false claim that the OTD father is not being respectful towards his former community or sensitive to not confusing his kids, I want to point out just how accommodating he has been. This is from a post on Rabbi Horowitz's website from a few years ago (Comment #25 on http://is.gd/ErM2kD):

Quote:

a) Kashrus. My children were born and raised in the ultra-Chasidish community. The standard of kashrus with which they were raised was very high. Pursuant to that, I have always been committed not only to fully observe all laws of kashrus within my home (as regards meat and milk dishes and utensils, only kosher products for non-disposable kitchenware, etc.) – whether my children are present or not – but also to observe it at the level that is expected of them in their community. While I’m fully aware of legitimate leniencies, such as OU-D, 3 hours after meat, etc., I have always maintained that I have no interest in cutting corners anywhere my children are concerned. My belief is that my children are best served with a single religious hashkafah, and I have no intention of interfering or compromising the coherence and purity of their religious worldview.

b) Davening; brachos; kriyas shma; etc. I have made clear to all parties that when my children are with me I adhere to all religious observances to which they are accustomed, and have acted in this manner without compromise. That includes taking them to shul on shabbos and overseeing their davening (which I do alongside them, of course), preparing shabbos seudos, singing zemiros, making sure they wash for bread, say brachos, bentch, say kriyas shma before bedtime, etc.

c) Movies, sporting events, exposure to popular culture: While my ex-spouse and I had allowed our children to watch carefully selected movies in the past, she has grown more sensitive to the issue since we split, and as a result forbids them to play computer games, watch movies, and even view Judaica-themed audio/visual presentations commonly sold in Judaica stores. In response, I made it clear to my children that their mother sets the tone for their level of religious observance, and we will therefore abide by her rules.

d) Personal appearance. While I am sensitive to the fact that children may be embarrassed with a parent’s outwardly non-conformist appearance, I don’t believe a parent should allow their children’s preferences to dictate their personal choices as long as those choices are not in conflict with halacha. Having said that, I have always maintained utmost sensitivity to the children’s potential embarrassment, and refrain from appearing at their place of residence in, say, jeans and a t-shirt.

As evidenced by this, the simple fact is that these situations of keeping children away from loving non-religious parents is about so much other than "avoiding confusion", or "not being respectful" or, "making the kids less frum". It's about preventing an impressionable child from having any sort of positive connection with those who deviate from their communal norms, even if that person might be their very own parent.

good times

Sun, Oct 06 2013, 10:02 pm

It is more confusing for a child to loose a parent than to discover that parents are human. When I was growing up I was raised in a very charedi school. My parents who are original bal teshuva went through a hard time and We ended up moving and me attending a very modern orthodox school. This was very confusing as customs that I held to be strong were laxed. My parents eventually sorted things out for themselves. Throughout those confusing childhood years my parents love and commitment to me never failed and it was the main thing I clung to at that confusing time in my life. If one of them had just dropped out of my life or had been branded evil it would not be something that I would have overcome and would be a challenge up until this day. When I look back on those confusing years the lesson that I take away from it was that people are not stagnant. Hashem wants us to grow and He puts us in the situation that is best for us to fulfill our mission. I think it is very sad that it appears in these situations that the community is pretending to be Hashem. Hashem gave these children theses two parents and short of abuse we have no right to step in. There are many ways to keep Torah and mitzvos and its important that "our" way is not the only way.