One of the big ways we do chesed is with food.

amother

Mon, Nov 25 2013, 12:44 am

amother wrote:

Once when I was going though a medical crisis, an organisation gave my name to another organisation who collected leftover food from weddings and sheva brachos. I can still puke at the thought Puke

Some of it looked like it was left out for hours, so to be honest, most of it made it's way to the nearest bin! We weren't looking to contract food poisoning. I also don't need a catering size container of perishable, non freezable food for two adults and one toddler, how much do you think we can eat? It was enough to feed a family of 12+ or a few smaller families. Neither do I need five containers of gefilte fish. I very much felt like I was their 'feel-good' mitzva so they wouldn't feel bad for throwing away the food.

Another organisation sent me soup in an empty pickle jar and a meat roll in a little lunch bag.

My suggestion to you - if you're sending food make sure it look palatable! Nobody expects ribbons and bows but a nice clean container is basic IMO.

I remember eating catering leftovers for dinner a few times a month throughout my high school years when my family was in dire financial straights. B"H ours was more edible than the way yours sounds, and I didn't feel like a "nebach" for taking it.

So I don't think such organizations should just close up shop. /soapbox

Sanguine

Mon, Nov 25 2013, 1:04 am

In our community we have something called Ezra LaEm. When a woman has a baby other women provide 2 weeks of meals for her family. If it is your first child you really don't need it and end up with tons of food, but if it's your 5th child, you and your family really really appreciate supper showing up every night (and 2 shabbos meals).

Besides after birth, Ezra LaEm provides for anytime the mother is out of commission (serious illness, Shiva...)

m in Israel

Mon, Nov 25 2013, 1:18 am

As a previous poster said, food in a recurring, universal need. If someone is in a difficult situation, the house can stay a bit dirty for while (hey, you should see my house after I give birth!) but people still need to eat -- and pretty frequently, too. So taking care of that need is a practical Chessed that is usually very helpful. Of course all Chessed needs to be done bchachma. If someone is sending unappetizing food in dirty dishes, the problem is not with the innate issue of sending food, but with the lack of Chachma going into this Chessed.

Sanguine

Mon, Nov 25 2013, 1:32 am

re: One of the big ways we do chesed is with food.

Because food is the most important thing

Did you ever hear of Malow's triangle? - I may be totally wrong about this cause I learned it about 30 years ago but the lesson is always in my head (If someone here learned psychology they may say that I got it all wrong but it makes sense to me)

Back when I was a Bnei Akiva madricha we had a seminar before camp. As in all camps, the madrichim are teenagers who think they know everything (about having fun or the chinuch their camp stresses) but usually don't understand the real needs of kids (after you're a mother, you look back and see what you had wrong)

So we were given a page to rate which things are most important to you - Being popular, people listening to you, not being cold, not being hungry, having friends...

Then we tallied everyone's sheets and it turns out that having the basics of life like food and shelter was more important than the social needs.

So, in difficult times (even happy ones like a birth), it is most important to have a strong base to the triangle (basic physical needs) so we first provide for the person's basic needs with food. The rest can only help when the base is strong.

Ruchel

Mon, Nov 25 2013, 8:15 am

rosarosa wrote:

It is known that the Tzedaka of women is greater that the men's, why? Cause the men will give money but the women will give food, and the needy man will be able to eat at the moment and won't have to buy and cook....

I have never heard of this.
Women I know give money too.

amother

Mon, Nov 25 2013, 8:17 am

When I was in hospital, the surprising things I was grateful for were cards, as I couldn't eat, wasn't hungry but loved to look at all my cards and see how many people cared. The other thing that made me incredibly happy was feeding my dh, who was racing round trying to work full time and look after me and the household, washing etc (we didn't have kids then), but to know he had had a good wholesome healthy meal meant that I could relax for one day reassured that he was ok.

I thought I'd want meals for me, but turns out I was happier with what I got.

Ruchel

Mon, Nov 25 2013, 8:21 am

amother wrote:

If you live in the suburbs, a great chessed is taking over the person's carpool

My husband drove a boy from Mati's school home daily, for free. Because the parents don't have a car and before that it meant 1h30 of bus each way. So he spared the kid 1h30, and the dad 3 hours (to go and come back). The kid still had 1h30 in the morning (and the dad 3).

This year he cannot drive the kids to school so we use someone, and believe me it's not free.

Sanguine

Mon, Nov 25 2013, 10:01 am

freidasima wrote:

I think you must be referring to Maslow's pyramid of needs....

Right - I told you I heard about it 30 years ago and I think we actually turned our numbers around so the most important thing went on top of the pyramid but I thought it made sense to say it's the base

I always remember that with my kids - when they're kvetching, fighting... Stop and think - Are they hungry, Are they tired...

tsiggelle

Mon, Nov 25 2013, 10:13 am

Being embarrassed of dirty laundry, dishes and floor - well, if you had clean folded laundry, washed dishes and a clean uncluttered floor, what do you need cleaning help for?

The tsaddaka of food vs. tseddaka of money - I think that was taken from the story of Mar Ukva in the Gemara . Maybe someone can type out the story?

smss

Mon, Nov 25 2013, 10:17 am

it's one of the easiest cheseds to do. you can make 2 dinners in almost the same amount of time you can make 1. you can't clean 2 floors, hold 2 babies, fold 2 loads of laundry....etc.

the other thing I can think of that would be as easy (or easier) would be driving carpool/giving rides.

PinkFridge

Mon, Nov 25 2013, 10:34 am

amother wrote:

would you make meals for a woman and children going through a divorce? a woman who is divorced?

If I knew someone going through it I would ask, is there anything I can do? Driving, babysitting, a kugel? But no, I wouldn't automatically think she needs meals for the duration. OTOH, if someone going through divorce DID for some reason need meals, and I would be asked by someone who coordinates if there is a need, then I would assume that this woman DID have a need, that I wouldn't necessarily need to know.

A woman who's divorcing or who is divorced and adjusting may need extra help as she no longer has that second adult in the house. But chances are that second adult wasn't doing too much cooking. She might need some help with the kids, handyman-type stuff, etc. Being sensitive to those and other needs is definitely a worthy chesed, not to mention one that needs to be handled with great sensitivity.

Please comment and elaborate.

Ruchel

Mon, Nov 25 2013, 10:48 am

tsiggelle wrote:

It's still very human. Some won't even hire a paid CL if she's Jewish or a neighbour. I understand. I definitely would NOT want a person of the community to clean my home unless close family. Actually there are halachos about not embarrassing people even for their own good and how one should find a way to make it acceptable (not talking of pikuach nefesh etc).

amother

Mon, Nov 25 2013, 10:50 am

when my family was sitting shiva for my father ( I was a teen so I cant say whether my mother felt the same way or not), we had ppl bring us meals that even though they were served nicely and looked appetizing, they werent appetizing to us- all my siblings are picky. the nicest thing was when one of our neighbors brought us bagels from the local bagel store- I think buying food for people is better than cooking for them as (no offense) they may not like ur cooking so maybe ask the person ur organizing a meal for what kind of food her kids like and maybe go pick up some chinese/fast food/pizza for them, it would probly be more appreciated than ur sloppy joes or wtvr that they wont end up eating anyway. I personally am a picky eater and although I would love someone to cook dinners for me I probly wouldnt like watever they made and would rather someone pick up some takeout for me, or atleast ask me if I like sloppy joes before u bring a whole pan over. just my personal opinion....

Ruchel

Mon, Nov 25 2013, 10:57 am

I do think the bottom line is that for some people, food is the only way to show care so they assume anyone needing some extra sympathy or help needs food.
They also assume that lots of courses = lots of care, that soup is needed, that a husband cannot learn to cook decently and has physical needs of several courses of homemade food, or that homemade is beshitta better than not homemade.

And these things are considered so important and true that it puts the person on the same level of "needing help" than someone who mamash cannot feed his children/kosher because s/he is alone and disabled or very very poor.

Very foreign ideas to me that I only encounter on Imamother, but when it's cultural no one will change their mind.

imaima

Mon, Nov 25 2013, 1:42 pm

smss wrote:

you can watch several children in an enclosed area just as you watch one.

amother

Mon, Nov 25 2013, 1:44 pm

amother wrote:

Try living in a place with no takeout.