what does each side give (weddings)?

amother

Tue, Dec 03 2013, 7:29 pm

I am from OOT and I have not heard of many things other than the traditional.

So I am specifically asking for those from New York or other places that expect these things. Is it true that the boys side is supposed to pay for the girls sheitels?

Who buys a bedroom set and dining room set for the new couple?

What about engagement gifts? yichud room gifts? Does every boy need cuff links and every girl get a bracelet? Does the girl also get a siddur and the boy a kiddush cup or something? I know about the chassan watch - how much is normal to spend on this? Does the boy choose his tallis and tallis bag - do you give a price range for the tallis or watch or do you go with him and only show him the ones you can afford? What do you do if he is out of town and wants to buy something himself in a local store?

Please give me all the details of what each side pays for in terms of wedding expenses, engagement gift/yichud room gifts, and future living expenses like furniture and the like.

Thank you.

Talya

Tue, Dec 03 2013, 7:34 pm

amother wrote:

Everyone is different in terms of what they can afford. In yeshivish/shidduch dating circles it is common for the guy to propose with a bracelet (from what I hear the typical bracelet is upwards of $2k these days). Then of course there's the ring. Many girls get siddur (not the cheap ones, the hard leather ones), set of machzorim, and either earings or pearl or diamond necklace in the yichud room.
Guys often get watch, becher, shas, talis/talis bags/kittel and depending whether or not engaged over holiday they can get more (eg engaged over Chanuka may get menorah).
These things aren't set in stone but in these circles they have become pretty standard. And if the boy is working usually the parents pay for it.

amother

Tue, Dec 03 2013, 7:55 pm

Im not even going to go into the discussion of "expectations" , as I am sure many amothers will :)Ill just respond to your questions with the situation as is--
As a young married, I can only tell you what was typically done by myself and my friends. (NY).
My MIL offered to pay for one of my sheitels- very generous of her, but not all my friends shared the same experience. It varied. I would say if you can offer something toward it, it goes a long way in creating positive feelings and establishing a good relationship. ( I know I know it shouldn't be a factor but what can I say? it does! Not to say if you don't, it will create negativity but it does send a nice feeling)
Most Chassanim were offered either a watch or Chosson Shas (My DH actually declined both and asked for a Tur/Shulchan Aruch instead- which my parents happily provided knowing he would actually take something he needs!)More wealthy people probably give both, but that's not so standard in my circles.
Tallis bag/Tallasim/Kittel- my parents told him to go into his local store and pick what he wanted and they paid for it. You can call ahead to the store and let them know your budget and have them show him only those options. Most stores who cater to chassanim are used to this.
Cuff links were given to him before the wedding (so he could wear them). I picked those out.
As a kallah, I got a bracelet by engagement- which is VERY standard in most RW- yeshiva circles. Many girls are offered a choice of standard bracelet vs a bangle. Depends on the style of the girl and what she wants. Most of my friends who are more YU type (working boys) got a ring by engagement and no bracelet.
I went with my MIL to pick out my leichter, and she had told the store before her range, and they only showed me the options from that range.
Its also pretty standard to get the kallah a siddur or tehillim (nice gift for day of wedding for her to use) with her new name on it. Or many give a set of machzorim with her name (esp nice if engaged over a yomtov). I happened not to get any of that, but many of my friends did.
I was given a diamond necklance for yichud room ( many kallahs are given a choice of pearls or some other piece of jewelry as many young girls aren't really wearing pearls these days.) Another friend chose earrings, etc. Diamond necklace sounds super extravagant, but I don't think it cost more than a basic strand of pearls. I love it -it is gorgeous!
I sent my chosson a becher by the aufruf, but that was extra, and honestly not super necessary. Some people buy a menorah, (or give later by Chanukah) or esrog box if its that time of year.
Some friends got an additional gift by the Shabbos kallah ( in addition to flowers), but that isn't typical.
In terms of furniture, it varies. Some families split evenly among the two, others the girl's side pays for it. (I was given furniture from an old relative so I didn't really get anything new ). They have furniture stores with deal packages which minimize the cost (and I don't know how many people actually get a dining room set starting out-- most get a dinette set to start).
Again, this is my personal experience. It varies by community, even within NY, and family. I'm sure you will get many different opinions on here Smile

cs1

Tue, Dec 03 2013, 8:47 pm

Just starting off by saying that were lubavitch and I'm not sure which community you are coming from so it may be different.

During engagement we gave chosson:
Shas and $1000 towards seforim that he chose (didn't want a watch), a $500 becher, leather tallis bag, tallis, gartel, menorah (my grandmother bought it - $1000 range.)

Dh bought me a $1000 diamond necklace for lchaim (but here kallahs choose anything they want in a price range you set..earrings, bracelet, necklace etc.) A leather tehillim and sefer hamitzvos (most girls get a chitas and some other seforim that are in the same white leather) a $1400 leichter, a nice $50 pushka, a few seforim here and there and then a diamond ring (was $2700) at the wedding.

We split the cost of the wedding in half and each side paid about $13,000 including the lchaim.
We did not get any furniture. We did invest in a $800 simmons mattress for each of us and bought all basic kitchen appliances. We started off with a folding table and 4 folding chairs and I'm very proud too say that I didn't expect our parents to drown in thousands of dollars of debt to pay for extravagant furnoture. My mother bought me one $1500 sheitel. And I bought a second one a half a year after I got married.

Within 2 years of our marriage dh and I bought a bedroom furniture set, computer chair and desk, couches, dining room set, guest room beds etc. Add pretty much all other furnishings were some after the wedding by us.

oatmealcookies

Tue, Dec 03 2013, 8:53 pm

I bought dh a watch cost was $1800 but it retails for $3200 got a super good deal Smile

!

Dh and I bought our own furniture and a car for myself.

I bought my own sheitals about 2k including accessories

Dh bought me a bracelet when he proposed, a diamond necklace for my birthday (2 month before our wedding) diamond earrings in the yichud room.

we paid for most of the wedding ourselves, even being both under 30 we had savings and bh were financially secure to pay for it. My mother did pay a portion and I assume fil paid a portion as well.

I am very grateful and thankful that we dont need financial support from our parents.

amother

Wed, Dec 04 2013, 4:20 am

We are somewhere undefinable in terms of chasidish/MO/yeshivish/yekke, as both families have elements of both, plus we got married in our early 30s, and I rented, so had a lot of kitchenware and some furniture.

But, my parent's offered the same as my more yeshivish siblings, ie choice between shas or watch, not both, tallis and tallis bag, kittel.

My inlaws gave me a heirloom pearl necklace as a yichud room present, no bracelet or other jewellery, but they are old fashioned and hadn't heard about traditions of giving bracelets or anything else.

My dh paid for the ring himself, we chose it together. He proposed with a plastic ring, which is common in our friends circle, maybe a bit of an in joke.

My parent's paid for a sheital, just one, and my dress and sheva brachot clothes, really just updating my wardrobe which has kept me going for 5 years.

Both sides had a family tradition to buy shabbat candles, ie in laws for their dil, my parents for their daughters, so we agreed that they split it. Took some negotiation, but was fine.

Downpayment was mostly each of our savings. Furniture came from wedding presents and our savings, plus I had some basic stuff, like dining room chairs (but no table, couch or beds), I had a lot of homewares, but cheap stuff. We replaced some of it with wedding presents.

The chasuna itself, parents paid for, I don't know exactly how they split it, but probably 50-50. I felt terrible about it as I hated reying on my parents financially, but they were happy and felt it was their privilege and honour to pay for the big chasuna they wanted, and we complied with what they wanted.
If we had been younger and more dependent, it would have been easier to accept their funding the chasuna, but as it was, it worked out fine.

I know my parents gave my siblings more in terms of support afterwards, as they were young and going to kollel, but we didn't want or need parental support, I had lived independently for years and they had helped me fund college, so there was no inequality.

watergirl

Wed, Dec 04 2013, 6:32 am

nyer1 wrote:

there are no rules. every family and couple does what works for them. depends on the background of the family, how many children in the family, financial situation of the parents, financial situation of the children, the ages of the children, the occupation of the children, etc etc.

for example, I paid for one sheital, my chosson paid for one, and we paid for all of our furniture on our own....

Maybe for you there are no rules. For me also. But from what Ive read here, and in other circles, there are for sure rules. As for money, and what each side can afford, I know of and have read here about in laws to be who have gone into huge debt to purchase these gifts. In those circles, not to buy is a slight and its become unacceptable.