When they fight, I just lose it.

amother

Mon, Dec 23 2013, 10:06 pm

I was building up the courage to post this under my screenname in order to give this more authenticity, but I couldn't, I'm just too embarrassed.
I'm writing a lot of real personal details, so if you figure out who I am please don't tell me.

I have a 3 year old, 4 year old , and a baby. I like to consider myself a pretty good mom- By nature I'm not a calm, laid back personality - but I really work on myself. I work full time- I'm home with my kids from 4-7 when they go to sleep.
I don't do any housework when they're around- laundry, cooking cleaning etc is done after they go to sleep unless it's something fun we can do together (putting away folded clothing, cleaning up toys, etc.)
I play games with them, art projects, dress-up, make-believe, etc. We put on music, we dance.
My point is, I spend the hours together totally with the kids and focused on them.
I don't stress about any mess they make.
Supper is ready and just has to be warmed up in the microwave.
bathtime is fun.

Everything is GREAT! Besides for one thing. When the two older ones fight, I lose it.
I don't know why it's such a trigger for me. I can't figure it out.
The older one grabs away a toy from the younger one, he then pushes her, she pulls his hair and I just LOSE it. I start yelling at them to STOP FIGHTING. STOP HURTING EACH OTHER. WE DON'T FIGHT IN OUR HOUSE! PULLING HAIR HURTS! PINCHING IS NOT ALLOWED! etc.
I force them apart. I put one of them in the bedroom for a few minutes. I try to convince them that they have to be friends and play nicely. I had this project (mostly for myself) that when someone starts a fight, he has to give a jellybean to the other one to make him happy. My husband does this with them- and it works beautifully because he's so matter-of-fact about it.
It doesn't work for me, because by the time I've calmed down They're just so insulted, scared, defensive and oppositional that it ruins the rest of the evening, and usually bedtime too (they won't go to bed nicely even though they're exhausted and then they just fight more).

Please help me understand what is causing this, and give me some advice how to stop the cycle from continuing.

cinnamon

Mon, Dec 23 2013, 11:02 pm

IMHopinion wrote:

Stop interfering.
They fight, you ignore.
They come to you, you say- mommy isn't part of the fight, sorry.

Obviously when they hurt each others you must intervene, but until then, try not to hear it.

My sister does this. it works really well for her but I can't do it.
I also get a little crazy when my kids fight. Here is what I do:

First I calm myself:
1. take a deep deep breath
2. say out loud to myself "This is not a bad things it is normal for siblings to fight." I say it again and again until I am calm - twice or three times is usually enough.

Then I deal with the fight:
1. any toy that has been grabbed gets returned to the grabee
2. Anyone who has been physical gets a time out and it doesn't matter who started it
3. After time out they get a cooling down period - ten minutes in which they may not play together. Each one choose one game and takes it to a different area of the house to play with and I also go make myself busy somewhere else (or just relax for a few minutes).
4. after ten minutes we all go from area to area together to see what everyone has done. By this time everyone is calm and normal playing resumes.

I do all this only for fights that get out of hand. If I'm there at the beggining I'm still calm cause there was no hitting or screaming so I'll take the grabbed toy and ask him:
"did you just grab this toy?"
hi'll say "yes"
I ask: "Is that the way we get toys we want?"
him: "No"
me: "Give the toy back and ask for it nicely"
Something he'll need some convincing but eventually he'll do it.
She eather gives him the toy and all is well or she refuses to give up the toy in which case I ask when she will finish playing with it and she gives a time frame. I remind her after a few minutes that it's to give the toy.

marina

Tue, Dec 24 2013, 6:42 am

1. You are yelling because that's your fall-back method and you don't have many other skills to deal with this.

2. So you need to learn some effective methods. I don't recommend ignoring fights especially physical ones.

Instead:

a. Separate them immediately into different rooms. Time out and no one gets the toy they were fighting about.

b. The ice-cream method works well for this age. Everyone gets 4 scoops of ice-cream at the end of the day. Each time you fight, you lose a scoop. If you solve a problem in a good way, you gain a scoop ( up to 7 or whatever). And the scoops can be little ones, no need to use up a whole carton in one day. My kids loved this and it worked for a long time.

c. Role play. When they are not fighting, have them practice a fight, first with you as the instigator and then with each other. What should they say if someone (you -pretend) takes away a toy? What about if someone pulls their hair? Practice over and over and over. Make it a part of your fun day. Make it a little silly.

d. Model calming down methods. When they see you get upset, start breathing and saying calming things to yourself. They will learn what to do from that.

granolamom

Tue, Dec 24 2013, 4:54 pm

my kids fight alot too. I've tried pretty much everything (including the tips here) and pretty much nothing works more than once in a while. I have to intervene or someone gets hurt so 'staying out of it' is not usually an option here.
first, the good news, 3 and 4 are still really little. when they get older they do tend to fight less. the 'toy grab' thing does eventually stop and they do learn to fight more with words than with pinching etc.
bad news, is that when they're bigger they are stronger so when they do resort to physical fights, its more dangerous.

anyway, what I find works best (again, not always but most consistently for MY kids) is distraction. I try to always be a step ahead of them, thinking of what fun amazing thing I can pull out of my sleeve (a book to read, a new game to play, a bag of chocolate chips to count, bubbles, etc) and when the fighting starts I try to change the subject.

its a trigger for me too, and it really pushes my buttons. I dont know why these silly squabbles get my blood pressure up so high but they do. hugs! It will pass...