how do I get my son to stop m@sturbating?

shabbatiscoming

Tue, Dec 31 2013, 4:46 pm

amother wrote:

Some comments if I may.

1)
All this talk about worrying about s-xual shame is absurd, ridiculous and just not frum. Since when should such a thing be allowed because of possible eventual s-xual shame?

2)
This is not normal!! Not even for [gentile]'ishe kids. Simply not normal for a 7 year old to be going at it ALL THE TIME. Abnormal completely.

3)
Boys are not like girls, in that it just feels good with no s-xual arousal when they are doing it to themselves alone. OP check out any possible s-xual stimulation, mags, videos, internet etc.

4)
Kudos to the poster who said that it's not allowed for Jewish boys and therefore should be stopped.

5)
The stimming comment... Just no. Stimming hand + aiver isn't terribly likely...

6)
Reb Moshe comment... no again. Reb Moshe would say dont talk about it if your son is touching self compulsively? Not a chance.

For a 7year old? Gosh, why ant it just be that it feels good to this boy? Why is everything always made more s-xual on this site than it has to be? A 7 year old does not know from s-xual things yet.

sneakermom

Tue, Dec 31 2013, 5:30 pm

Two shockers are being flung in this poor child's face. Both heavy weighted issues. His fathers addiction. And future zera lvatala.

The child is probably stressed and has found a way to self soothe. Or simply found a way to unwind.

Hysterics reinforces the behavior like hell. Creates a greater need to self soothe. And a sense if shame and perhaps secrecy.

Let's understand this developmentally. At seven he is simply doing what many kids do. He doesn't have all this heaviness around it. Keep it that way.

Go for therapy so you don't project your anger about males and relations addiction on him. Ignore most of it. Distract him with good touch like chavs so smartly said. And make him proud of his bris and his holiness as a Jew. Then when he does develop you would already have instilled in him the necessary ingredients to hold himself back.

Don't make your issues become his. Keep it simple. He deserves at least that.

Heyaaa

Tue, Dec 31 2013, 5:42 pm

amother wrote:

I hope this doesn't come across as attacking but I disagree with every single one. Except the last; I don't know what Reb Moshe would say so I can't have an opinion on the last.

He's not touching self. He's too young to touch self. He's touching himself, nothing s-xual about it to someone who hasn't hit puberty yet. For now, I would let him be and when he reaches puberty I would talk to him about it being asur and zera levatala and all that (actually I wouldn't but I would have dh do the talk). But for now it's an innocent act as he is too young for it to mean anything more. He doesn't know why it feels good, he just knows that it does. Let him be for a few years until it actually is an issue. Until puberty it is no better and no worse than sucking his thumb.

marina

Tue, Dec 31 2013, 6:20 pm

1. Guys are not supposed to spill seed, but do you have any idea how terrible frum boys feel about it? Many think they are evil sinners and feel terribly guilty and it takes a huge toll on their mental health.

^^ the above is discussed often in OTD forums. Take from that what you will, but I recommend that you think long and hard before making a big deal out of this with your child.

2. OP, a seven year old touching self constantly is not normal. It may be anxiety-related behavior. Most likely the pleasurable feeling helps him calm down. I would see a therapist b/c the behavior is a symptom of a different problem. If you forced him to stop touching self, he'd just do something else - pull his hair, pick his skin, etc.

3. Your reaction is not normal. You can't go off screaming at your 7 year old for this. Sign up for a general parenting class. There will be many many other issues that come up and you need better coping skills.

amother

Tue, Dec 31 2013, 6:36 pm

marina wrote:

thanks marina and everyone else. guess I deserve that.and like I said, I am working on it...

chavs

Tue, Dec 31 2013, 8:13 pm

marina wrote:

It's fine for a kid to do it sometimes in private. OP describes a child who does it non-stop almost. That's not normal and it's not what you describe above.

From what I read she said nightly not all the time. If it is nightly, I believe its considered normal behaviour. It's quite common for children and indeed adults to engage in self soothing behaviours top fall asleep. If it's more then that or in reaction to stress, I agree it sounds compulsive. If she thinks it's compulsive or if she is worried about it I think we can agree that shouting is counter productive and that she might want to speak to a pediatrician.
If you take him to get seen I think it's important that you don't continue to project but look at it purely from the point of view of how you can best help your child be well.

wispalover

Wed, Jan 01 2014, 3:09 am

black and white wrote:

As soon as I read "natural mom" post,I knew there will follow a post with " are you serious"?, shabbatiscoming you are becoming quite predictable! !!

Naturalmom 5 has a great sense of humor, so often I am not sure if she is joking or not. Were you the amother from another thread complaining about the "are you serious shock

" Cause, people are entitled to their opinions even if you think they are wrong. Kudos, though, for posting under your own SN.

amother wrote:

Some comments if I may.

1) All this talk about worrying about s-xual shame is absurd, ridiculous and just not frum. Since when should such a thing be allowed because of possible eventual s-xual shame?

2) This is not normal!! Not even for [gentile]'ishe kids. Simply not normal for a 7 year old to be going at it ALL THE TIME. Abnormal completely.

3) Boys are not like girls, in that it just feels good with no s-xual arousal when they are doing it to themselves alone. OP check out any possible s-xual stimulation, mags, videos, internet etc.

4)Kudos to the poster who said that it's not allowed for Jewish boys and therefore should be stopped.

5)The stimming comment... Just no. Stimming hand + aiver isn't terribly likely...

6)Reb Moshe comment... no again. Reb Moshe would say dont talk about it if your son is touching self compulsively? Not a chance.

Thank you, Therapist Amother, for your undoubtedly well thought out hysteria-inspired piece of work.

1) Kids need to learn that s#x is NOT dirty. Look at all the posts here of husbands who feel s#x is dirty and the wives speculate it is because of upbringing.. Why do that to another child?

2) "Gois'he kids"- why would a 7yr old "[gentile]'ish" kid be any different from a 7 yr old Jewish kid? Because at 7, with special needs, a Jewish child will automatically know that "Jewish kids don't behave like this"? For any kid, if they are touching themselves in public, it is problematic, from a social standpoint. If he is doing it nightly, to fall asleep, I would say it is a sensory thing. My DS finds the school day to be very hard and overwhelming. He says he has a tummyache and goes and sits alone on the couch in school, because he needs a "break from the children". It could be that instead of overeating (as an example), he is playing with himself to feel good. BTW- if he does it only at night, how do you know?

3) You really think a special needs seven year old (or actually, any seven year old) understands enough about s-xuality to be reading or watching a pice of [filth]? This is what you consider to be giving good advice?? shock

At this point they are only just realising how different their bodies are from girls.

5) It is COMPLETELY possible that child with special needs, who cannot fit in socially, has found something that they now have as a "routine" to make them feel good about themselves. Why is this so challenging for you to grasp?

OP: If your son is doing this in public, I would explain to him that we do not touch certain parts of our body in public. I would also reiterate that no-one else should be touching there either.
If he is doing it at night, and this bothers you so much, I would have a talk with him about how "we need our hands to be nice and clean to prevent germs and getting sick. One way of doing this is to not touch around our tushie area and you really need him to help you with this etc". Screaming at a seven year old is not an appropriate reaction to something that it seems he cannot help.. but you know this already.

yomomf

Wed, Jan 01 2014, 3:53 am

I glanced at but didnt read through every post so I apologize if I'm saying something thats been said.

I think a couple of important points are the following;

Do whatever it takes to stop screaming about this. This is not to negate all the posts saying that this is not somwthing we want our boys to do. It's just that your screaming is accomplishing nothing. I also dont think a serious talk about this with him would be productive. Uncomfortable, maybe, counterproductive, probably. To him this is a feel-good thing. To you it is a very loaded topic with many strong associations.

Dont look for it, avoid his room when you think he may be busy with it. If you walk in pretend not to notice and walk out. A trick I learned in areas that I struggle with is to bribe myself. You may think you should be beyond it but bribery is great. $2 towards a massage for every blind eye you turn can do wonders (or whatever will be a good reward for you).

You need to let all tension over this issue completely diffuse. For you so that you can reapproach it normally and for him so he can process what you are saying. As of now he seems to have totally tunes you out on this issue.

COMPLETELY LET IT GO FOR NOW.

When you feel ready to handle it again (at least a couple of months) you can 'notice it' and mention casually that 'oh, thats not such a nice thing to do'. Then walk out. You want to slowly give him the ideal without making it into a battleground. Otherwise he will continue to do this. He may hide it better but he wont change at all.

You can also try to institute something special for the two of you around bedtime (you said he does this mostly at night in his room). You can choose a chapter book and read a chapter each night or spend ten minutes jsut hanging out with him. If he starts to touch himself during this time you can say simply 'this is our special time together, I dont like when you do that'. You can even gently move his hands on top of the covers or hand him a toy that he could fiddle with (yes a toy is not the same thing but it helps neutralize the whole thing in his mind). If he persists you can say ''ok, I guess I'll see you later" and walk out. Only do this after your 10 minutes/storytime are well established.

Give him tiny crumbs so he can absorb it.

shabbatiscoming

Wed, Jan 01 2014, 6:57 am

black and white wrote:

As soon as I read "natural mom" post,I knew there will follow a post with " are you serious"?, shabbatiscoming you are becoming quite predictable! !!
Op stop projecting on your son the ill feeling you have for your husband's addiction.
He is still young, although I would tell him that unless he needs to go to the washroom that body part is not to be touched( himself or anyone else)

black and white, first of all welcome to imamother. I see that you have been here for about two months Smile

Second of all, I guess I am predictable, but not becoming, I already am and always was. I tell it like it is. I am opinionated and not afraid to share my opinion. (youll get used to it Wink

)