Police questioning dd?

amother

Thu, Feb 06 2014, 2:22 am

Hope some posters out there will be able to clarify some thoughts regarding an incident we had:

My dd-13- was walking in a quiet area this afternoon with 2 younger siblings (2 and 4) when a man approached her, removed his shirt and rubbed his belly. He asked her to wait for him for two minutes, she continued walking as fast as she could- with the snow and kids,... and she says she thinks he followed her, but BH (a million times over!) he did not touch her.

2 questions:
1. I was told I need to report this to the police. Is that true? Of course, I would do it if it will help others from CV worse, but I want to know what we're in for. Anyone knows?

2. Also, although we've spoken abt this many times, I'm surprised that my dd wasn't terrified. She even went back the same way-after dark, when she knows it's not a great route. So I'm wondering -is there something wrong with her response? Shouldn't she have asked someone for a phone and called to ask abt the way home? Wouldn't most kids be terrified to go back? Basically, does this indicate a problem?

hoping for some clarity-thanks!

Kol Hadassa

Thu, Feb 06 2014, 2:36 am

I don't think that there is anything worrying about your dd's reaction.

Her behavior was spot on - a scary guy told her to do something inappropriate (wait for him) and she had the presence of mind and strength of character to ignore him and get out of there! Her response was empowering. It follows that now she feels powerful, like she can handle anything. She will probably come down from this high soon but in the meantime this is her new reality.

Make sure you tell her proud you are of her for handling the incident so well. I would also emphasize that, Baruch HaShem, everything was OK this time but we should not intentionally put ourselves in harms way.

I would suggest talking to the police. I don't know what the procedure would be but I don't imagine it would be traumatic for your dd. From everything I understand (which might not be much) predators like this often escalate from incident to incident, so it is important to let the police know now so that hopefully they can stop it before something terrible happens to somebody else.

amother

Thu, Feb 06 2014, 2:36 am

Her response was strange. Three things:

1 - I do think this needs reporting.
2 - Are you sure that's all that happened and she's not 'not telling you' something else because she's afraid. I know I didn't tell my mom when my cousin was being inappropriate with me because I was embarrassed/ashamed/afraid.
3 - Her reaction does seem a little off - but I think the situation can be helpful because you can sit her down and give her real practical steps on what to do if chv something similar happens again. Children can't be expected to know the right thing - walking away fast is the most obvious response. Using that walkway again - well, she should be told better so she knows better.

abound

Thu, Feb 06 2014, 2:54 am

Don't bother with the police. You will blow up the situation in her mind and the police will not even take down a report. No crime was committed. If you think your daughter has a problem with safety precautions deal with it, but not now. Let her feel empowered for now.

PS. if it makes you feel comfortable call the police on your own and ask them if there is a point in coming down to file a report.

Edited: I was just thinking that it would be a good idea to report, you never know if he is a s-x offender and if he is not allowed to get within a certain amount of feet of a younger person etc etc. IN other words this may not be the whole story, report it, but do it in a light manner.

Last edited by abound on Sat, Feb 08 2014, 2:20 pm; edited 1 time in total

piece

Thu, Feb 06 2014, 7:43 am

it doesn't hurt to call the police--let them take down the report, I think it will only help your daughter in the long run. if she does get effected by this, then she should talk to a counselor about this & get it off her chest.
about how she reacted--don't think it's off. I'm sure she was petrified, & I'm sure some what numb, so the quickest, easiest thing to do, is to get home quickly!!!!!!!!!!!! not to start looking for phones etc.

just comfort her & tell her she can talk to you about this. maybe talking to a counselor anyways would only benefit her
good luck

5*Mom

Thu, Feb 06 2014, 8:48 am

Kol Hadassa wrote:

I agree. Very healthy reaction. Speaking to the police is a proactive, empowering thing to do.

morah

Thu, Feb 06 2014, 8:52 am

Please don't ever question how someone reacts to a scary event. This is why so many rape and abuse victims are disbelieved. Humans are funny and don't always react logically or intuitively. It is actually quite common for people NOT to cry after something scary but to act numb or detached. And good for her for not panicking and making sure to keep herself and the younger kids safe.

You absolutely should file a police report. They probably won't catch the guy tomorrow, but they will know he's out there and if they receive enough similar reports, they can build a profile and find him.

Rubber Ducky

Thu, Feb 06 2014, 9:05 am

Yes, report the incident to the police. They may even know who the guy is already if other people have also reported him, or if a registered zex offender who looks like him has recently moved to your neighborhood.

amother

Thu, Feb 06 2014, 9:37 am

Op here.
I see there are various opinions here. I appreciate them all. I'm glad at least some of you think her response was normal- the part I was questioning was using the same way home- and by then it was dark.. she could have asked the store to use their phone, or gone the longer way,...

About the police, I agree that they should know, but concerned that their questioning might be traumatic- and I'm going to sound dumb- but is there a chance they would examine her?
To the poster who wondered if she was telling all, I'm really sure she didn't leave out any details- even if she would have wanted to, her younger siblings would have been hysterical and very verbal if she had been physically attacked.

I understand abuse victims tend to keep things secret, but this is not inappropriate behavior from someone she knows- it's a creepy guy on the street!

mummiedearest

Thu, Feb 06 2014, 9:50 am

I was followed part of the way home as a teen. I stopped a neighbor I knew, asked him to get the guy off my tail. the neighbor whipped out a disposable camera (he was standing right next to his car, and he always keeps one in his car just in case), walked up to the guy, snapped pictures from all angles while telling the guy that the pics were going to the police. the guy ran away and my neighbor called shomrim and the cops. shomrim came quick, I didn't hear anything about the police showing up. I was never questioned by anyone, I was home already. it was snowy out, and shomrim followed the guy's tracks, which ended in a driveway on my block. they realized that he went in a side door. it turns out that this guy lived on my block. he was definitely following us, though, we (my friend and I) crossed the street halfway and crossed back. he followed pretty close behind. and he had tried to grab my friend the week before. we never had any trouble with him afterwards.

I do think you should report the incident. don't worry about your dd being "examined." as for being questioned, she's not under suspicion for anything here. she sounds like a sensible young woman, I think she'd be just fine if they asked her a few questions.

5*Mom

Thu, Feb 06 2014, 10:14 am

amother wrote:

About the police, I agree that they should know, but concerned that their questioning might be traumatic- and I'm going to sound dumb- but is there a chance they would examine her?

Their questioning will be matter of fact and your dd will do most of the talking.

No, there is no chance that they will examine her. Even if there were a reason to, which there is not, they may not do so without her/your consent.

amother

Thu, Feb 06 2014, 10:28 am

5*Mom wrote:

Ok, that's good to know. Thanks!

amother

Thu, Feb 06 2014, 10:30 am

imasoftov wrote:

The question shouldn't "police questioning dd?", but "how to best protect dd (or someone else's)?"

You are right- but keep in mind if protection was't important, I wouldn't be asking anything.

yaeli83

Thu, Feb 06 2014, 10:32 am

For the sake of any other children, who may not be as sensible as your daughter, I would report it. I do not know if the police would do anything, but maybe you can give the guys description to shomrim or something?

Its also a good way to reinforce what your daughter already knows, that she should never trust a man like this, and she should get away as soon as she can. If you ignore it, then she might c'v's think it was not a big deal next time.

shanie5

Fri, Feb 07 2014, 4:21 pm

When dd had s/t similar happen, we reported it. We were not the only ones. The cops just asked questions-no examination at all. They found the guy and although he wasn't arrested, the cops did/do keep an eye on him.

And dd was never afraid to walk around the area either.

amother

Sat, Feb 08 2014, 2:06 pm

When I was a girl about 14 yrs old, a man came up to me and gave me a big hug, every time after that when he would meet me he would wave, smile etc, I told my mom, she spoke to the police about it and they just told me things to be careful of etc. I had to take down his number plate number and give the police details about him. Yes nothing major happened but it couldve become something. I dont think the police will want to examine her, like others wrote they will probably ask questions about the man etc and try to build a profile of him

bubbebia

Sat, Feb 08 2014, 10:38 pm

You definitely need to report this. You don't know how many other kids he's tried this on. If there is some nut job being inappropriate to girls in the neighborhood, the more it's reported the more seriously the police will take it. They will talk to her, maybe ask for a description of the man, but there is no way, unless she says he raped her, that they will touch her physically.

Clearly your DD is a strong young lady. She certainly did the right thing in ignoring him and going ahead with her sibs. But I might recommend that maybe she take another route home next time. She did the right thing in beating it out of there. Give her a big hug and let her know she did right.

greenfire

Mon, Feb 24 2014, 7:28 pm

kudos to your daughter for taking a mature protective action ... she is not afraid ... she is not vulnerable ... she will not be picked on or frightened away from living ...

boruch hashem nothing happened

yet the police should be notified that a man is lurking about - so nothing happens to a more vulnerable child