Ungrateful DS | Imamother

amother

Tangerine

Wed, Dec 09 2015, 4:57 pm

My DS is 11 and we got for him for chanukka a Lego Technic crain. He was very happy with it ( I have a photo to prove it)and it took him 3 days to build and now hes upset. He doesnt want the stupid toy, daddy is dumb for buying it, I cant do anything with it, he always buys me lego technic etc

Hes so ungrateful. I told him then ill give it to his cousin.And I told him that hes not getting anything else from us. He just gets angry and upset about the whole thing.

Were did we go wrong and what can I do now? Thanks

amother

Saddlebrown

Wed, Dec 09 2015, 7:31 pm

Is there something else going on - not that a child should be ungrateful but his reaction seems extreme in terms of expressing disappointment.

Was there something else that he actually wanted and were his wishes overridden because you think he should be enjoying this type of toy?

Not that it's analogous at all but I still remember how guilty my mother made me feel because she bought me a very expensive easel - the kind that is used in art classes for my birthday or maybe Chanukah and I never used it. I wasn't angry about receiving it but she made me feel horrible ungrateful and I still can hear her voice telling me how she had shlepped it on the crowded subway train. LOL

She had some vision of my being artistically talented - which I wasn't LOL

Classic Jewish Mother. LOL

the world's best mom

Thu, Dec 10 2015, 6:44 am

Well, it seems like you are dealing with this the same way now as you were when he was 8- by telling him you won't buy him any more presents. It doesn't seem to be working, you have to admit.

I think I would respond, "Oh, you don't want what I got you? That's okay, you don't have to have any presents then." And I would take it away. If he decides he wants it after all, then I would first discuss the proper way to show appreciation, and explain calmly how it makes you feel bad when you buy him something special and then he insults your choice.

saw50st8

Thu, Dec 10 2015, 7:05 am

This is a very teachable moment.

First, I would sit down with DS and ask him to talk about why he is upset about the present. Did he really want something different? Did it take too fast to build? Is something else bothering him? Did he see something recently that he really wanted instead?

Start with empathizing with his complaints. Then I would calmly talk about gift etiquette and appreciating what you get, how gifts are not mandatory or expected. They are a bonus and should be treated as such.

Kids don't always have the ability to control their frustrations and unhappiness in the moment.

spikta

Thu, Dec 10 2015, 8:13 am

I find that after a high of getting something you really wanted there's often a bit of a down that comes later. This lego set which you thought was the most amazing thing ever is only a lego set, and after you built it a few times it isn't all that interesting anymore. The shiny new doll isn't as shiny now that she's been played with a bit and her hair is getting messed up. I think it's the realization that "things" can't really make us happy in life, even though we pin so many hopes on them.

What he said definitely sounds hurtful, but I think it's worth trying to get your son talking about what's bothering him exactly, before starting with the threats. Once you find out what made him so sad and angry, you can have a meaningful conversation. If it fits, you can talk about how gashmius can only make us so happy, and it's the relationships - with my family, with my community, with hashem - that really keep us going. (Don't push this realization on him. If he isn't into it it will come out as a lecture and will go in one ear and out the other).

chani8

Thu, Dec 10 2015, 8:23 am

I have a child like that. No matter what he got for a gift, there was always something much bigger and better that he wanted. I made it into a joke. "Sorry we cannot buy you a rocket ship, but here is this little gift. And since gifts are not your love language, it doesn't really matter what we buy you, it wont mean much." He always agreed with that. Though now that he's 16, he's prefaces his requests with, "So ok, gifts are not my love language, but I'd love a new video game that we could play together." (Quality time.)

Chayalle

Thu, Dec 10 2015, 8:40 am

spikta wrote:

I can't like this enough!

At a certain point in their lives kids will recognize, on some level, that things are only...things. But if it's not on a conscious, verbal type of level, then they experience the disappointment that comes with that realization without knowing why. That's why this discussion is so important - so that your child can identify the feeling for what it is and deal with it.

I remember when my DD was young, my mother bought her a china doll that was meant for display, but of course DD took it down to play with, and in the process the face got smashed. The tears that came after that is something not easily forgotten....I remember discussing with her that things are temporary, and they come to an end. It was a lesson that came over and over (like sometime later she got a cheap prize from the dentist, and that, too, did not live long) and at some point she had the maturity to take things with a grain of salt, knowing that oh well! things break, or you get a gift that doesn't interest you much but you thank Aunt Sarah anyway, because at the end of the day they are all transient.

Another thought - My sister was telling me that when she grew up she badly wanted an American Girl doll....sometime later she saw one at a friend's house, and it was not nearly as exciting as it appeared in the catalog....your son, having reached the goal of constructing his gift, may not have found it as stimulating as advertisements promised....so now he wants the next promise of something really exciting. It's important to discuss with kids that that promise of perfect fun is really just a bubble....