HELP!!Teenage CHUTZPAH

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children

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amother

Sun, May 25 2008, 6:47 pm

OP, my 8 yr old sounds exactly like your teenager. I think we need to be gevuradik with it.

today, chutzpadik 8 yr old yelled at her father. he told her to go to her room. she just sat there. then I told her to get in her room, and she had the NERVE to tell me to "not butt in!" (can you believe?!!!)

I sent her to her room for the rest of the day.

Ribbie Danzinger

Sun, May 25 2008, 7:25 pm

Quote:

If our children regularly watch us put our own convenience over that of our aging parents or treat salesclerks nastily, any effort to crack down on chutzapik teenagers is about our own vanity -- not about chinuch

I agree.

I also think that one of the principle ways our children learn is from the example that we set them. If they see that our reaction to chutzpah is an outraged, "How DARE you speak to me in that way?!!" then they will learn that what is important is how each of us fends for their own respect. But in fact, with such a reply, we are in fact saying, "I am the important one around here and I do not respect anyone else unless they agree with that fact." The child merely gains reinforcement about their own philosophy on life from such a reaction.

If (preferably from the day they are born), we show them respect for who they are and how they think; if we teach them that the Torah sets the limits and we judge our own behavior by Torah standards, then, when they reach adolescence, they will have less reasons to test the above philosophy.
Simply put, what I am trying to say is that we need to be humble and not to take everything personally.

(Sorry, that this is not very clearly put. Please remember that in my time zone it's already almost 2:30 am)

peach

Sun, May 25 2008, 8:21 pm

Inasmuch as parents have to look at the root cause of the chutzpah and deal with any hurt that's there, there still has to be guidelines of what is and is not acceptable.

That's very important lesson that will apply for the rest of their lives- Just because you're sad/angry/etc. does not allow you to act in any way you want.

And sometimes you do need to look away and choose your battles.

triLcat

Sat, Aug 03 2013, 6:28 pm

Sometimes the root cause is that the teenage years are a time of being self-absorbed.

Good kids get chutzpadik, even if they're not in any 'emotional pain.'

amother

Sat, Aug 03 2013, 9:35 pm

amother wrote:

I'd love to hear from experienced mothers of teens!!
My fifteen year old daughter has become SO chutzpahdik. She rolls her eyes, and when she's feeling reallly nasty, she ignores when she's spoken to. She reeks a nasty attitude!! For example, when it comes to helping out, she may do it (or not) but with a huff and puff, rolling eyes, etc.

I'm really at my wits end. There's no appealing to her (I.e.- the effect it has on the rest of the household, etc.) because she is so closed. At times, I feel like throttling her!

I didn't read the responses on this thread, but I was a teen not that long ago. No child or even teen wants to intentionally be like this. Maybe it's her period, or maybe you need to have long hard look at yourself and your parenting. My mom always complained to everyone about me, and got loads of sympathy, but she would never realize what emotional scars she has left me with. I am still working on healing from them.

rising hero

Sat, Aug 03 2013, 9:50 pm

This thread is five years old.

amother

Sat, Aug 03 2013, 10:19 pm

It's still very relevant though, even if it's old.

What I'd like to know is what is really considered chutzpah. I tried to get advice on dealing with my dc's chutzpah and I was told that I don't realize what's normal teenage behavior is. So is this chutzpah:

Completely ignoring me when I speak to dc
Copying what I say in a mocking way
Laughing at me when I speak
Making fun of me to the other dc
Walking out of the room as I'm speaking to them
Hanging up the phone on me
Shouting at me
When I say something, saying that it's not true, or "really??" negatively
Constantly interrupting me or contradicting me
Telling dc to do the opposite of what I say, either right out or when I supposedly don't hear
Saying no if I tell them to clean up their room or something they messed up

Writing this makes me think this therapist has no idea what she's talking about. But I have no choice but to deal with her.

gp2.0

Sat, Aug 03 2013, 10:28 pm

amother wrote:

There are two issues mixed up in all the things you list. One is chutzpah - disrespecting you. The other is lack of communication skills and being able to express herself, or feeling misunderstood. IMO:

Completely ignoring me when I speak to dc - not chutzpah
Copying what I say in a mocking way - chutzpah
Laughing at me when I speak - chutzpah
Making fun of me to the other dc - very bad chutzpah
Walking out of the room as I'm speaking to them - not chutzpah
Hanging up the phone on me - not chutzpah
Shouting at me - not chutzpah
When I say something, saying that it's not true, or "really??" negatively - sarcasm, not chutzpah
Constantly interrupting me or contradicting me - not chutzpah
Telling dc to do the opposite of what I say, either right out or when I supposedly don't hear - chutzpah
Saying no if I tell them to clean up their room or something they messed up - not chutzpah

amother

Sun, Aug 04 2013, 4:08 pm

Thanks for clarifying that. Does anyone else agree or disagree?

amother

Ruby

Sun, May 08 2016, 12:44 pm

I'm dealing now with a very obnoxious chutzpadiga 14 year old. I don't see any reason why she should be this way. How do I deal with it? I'm going out of my mind!

amother

Navy

Sun, May 08 2016, 3:45 pm

amother wrote:

I'm dealing now with a very obnoxious chutzpadiga 14 year old. I don't see any reason why she should be this way. How do I deal with it? I'm going out of my mind!

What I did was a few different approaches that made all the difference:

Followed Miriam Adahan approach, the small ideas like redoing a conversation made a HUGE difference.
I did more active listening
I realized it was not personal, it was her teenage difficulties that we needed to work through and the difference in approach made me approach everything differently.
I got my husband aboard and we decided what were the lines can't be crossed.
I also discussed PMS and say sometimes I'm moody and I try to control, this is something that I was never told as a teenager and wish I had an idea of why I was crazy every few weeks Exploding anger

My daughter was one horrible 14 year old and BH is now an amazing 17 year old, who still gets moody and teenagey but overall has respect and we communicate nicely.

The little trick from miriam Adahan is, redoing a conversation, starting over. My DD used to roll her eyes but realized it was a great tool.
I would ask her to go out of the room and come back. When she came back, I'd say, "Hi, Tzippy, how's your day going? I hear you have a problem, can we discuss it?' She'd start with "fine" but then realized she can't be chutzpadik in that conversation so it defused it.

I also started consciously complimenting small things a few times a day, made time to do small mother/daughter things together, cheap and short.

My boys are a whole other matter.... Very different, can be very difficult but not moody, so much easier in my mind to work with....

Rutabaga

Sun, May 08 2016, 3:49 pm

amother wrote:

I'm dealing now with a very obnoxious chutzpadiga 14 year old. I don't see any reason why she should be this way. How do I deal with it? I'm going out of my mind!

This thread is 8 years old. You might get better advice if you start a new thread.

Bsimcha

Sun, May 08 2016, 4:54 pm

Advice on teenage chutzpah probably stays the same....

I would love to know where the OP's daughter is now that she's 22!

greenfire

Sun, May 08 2016, 5:34 pm

it wasn't me - gotta wonder ... I say for some it's changed and for others things can go on forever

good luck past the teens - if you survive there are other challenges that lie ahead

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