Bringing in the kids from Israel

cheeseaddict

Fri, May 25 2018, 7:04 am

As someone who lived a kollel lifestyle for 11 years in Israel with parents and inlaws abroad...

Mesirus Nefesh for Torah would mean living and learning there even if it meant occasionally missing important family simchas.

Sounds like your brother would like your parents to be moser nefesh for his learning.
Not the same thing.

My parents brought me home twice in those 11 years.
Alone with a small baby.
For much less than $3000.

keym

Fri, May 25 2018, 8:50 am

ProudMommy posts like yours really irk me. How do you know if OP is supporting a husband in kollel or not? You dont know how much she is moser nefesh for Torah. We also have no idea if or how much help her parents give her brother on a regular day.
We never lived in EY- it wasnt right for us. But I was "moser nefesh" to support my husband in learning for 7 years. Andnow im moser nefesh every day to support my children in frum schools. Yeah yeah Lakewood is cheap so my mesirus nefesh to keep my 4 kids out ofpublic school Iis "only" 22 thousand dollars a year.
But that doesnt stop relatives who are learning in EY to demand that I cover expenses. Im not talking basic bread heating and underwear. Im tslking extras like hair accesories and kimpatorin heims and new clothing.
So yeah. I believe many people expect others to be moser nefesh but will not acknowledge how much it costs to raise a family in America. Just call it American extras.

amother

Khaki

Fri, May 25 2018, 10:16 am

OP. These kollel moser nefesh comments really rub me the wrong way. DH learned for five years and I was not moser nefesh for one day. Yes we lived simply but there was never a time I said oy I wish such and such but I cant cuz Im a kollel wife. The minute you feel like you are martyr for something that when its time to stop because you will resent it. Even when dh went to work none of our standards changed because life aint cheap. My life actually got harder when dh went to work because I kept the same work schedule and dh is home much less now and he helps much less around the house than he used to.

To the person who suggested that my family pitch in to bring my brothers family in Im sorry but thats ridiculous. I live in one city and the simchos are in three different cities two of which are over ten hour drives away from me. I will be missing a lot of work and have a lot of extra expenses and very possibly dipping into my own savings to cover my own costs. It would cost around 10k for my brother and his family to fly in and be at both weddings. The comment that suggested all of us chip in to cover his cost is what I mentioned in a previous post that certain Israeli people just expect the Americans to cover the costs from them because they are learning and live in Israel. Once again its a choice you made and own up to it.

amother

Blush

Fri, May 25 2018, 11:05 am

Just a comment to add some food for thought:

Sometimes ppl just can't attend simchas. Even if they are in the same town! We always joined in with in-law simchas when we were hosted by their neighbors and brought our kids. Then, my brother in law decided not to have children, he only wanted to invite adults. I have no neighbors and no family that I am comfortable leaving my kids so we didn't go. My husband has gone himself for some, but u know what. I can't always be the one to stay alone with all the kids myself. Their choice was not to include children. So they have to deal with the fact that we can't come. Choices go in both directions. Not that they were too gracious about it....

Anyway, I'm sorry u are getting caught in the middle and glad u can come here to vent. I hope you enjoy the simchas! You sound like someone really dedicated to her family. Kol hakavod to u.

amother

Peach

Sun, May 27 2018, 4:57 am

I've been living here for 10 years, minus a short period that we lived in America. I come from a large family and my parents don't have an extra penny. My in-laws on the other hand only have a few kids and are well-off. We are the only ones living in Israel.

My in-laws have flown us in for all simchas, including those on my side of the family and therefore we always spent half of our time visiting them, even though they live hours from my family and where the simchas took place. It was EXTREMELY generous of them and we and my parents were always very grateful. My parents always went out of their way to make sure we spent time with my in-laws and that my in-laws were invited to the weddings and had good accomadations.

The only time I was very upset was when my brother got married early into my own marriage. I had only only lap child at the time and we did not expect anyone to fly us in so me and DH planned on scrimping and borrowing and paying for our own flights. My in-laws told us and my parents that they would be flying us in and left us no option to not take it. Then it turned out they had a lot of strings attached. We would be traveling with them to the wedding, arriving just in time for the chuppa and missing all prep and pictures. We would also be leaving with them and missing the end of the wedding. Those couple hours would be the only time we would have with my side of the family because we would be with my in-laws the rest of the visit, including missing Shabbos sheva brochos. I cried when I heard this because I DIDN'T EVEN ASK THEM TO FLY US IN. We were going to fly ourselves in. In the end, it worked out slightly better but we didn't go to Shabbos sheva brochos. I later found out that my parents found an excuse to uninvite us because they felt that if my in-laws were flying us in, we needed to stay with them for as much as possible. All other times were were flown in we were most grateful!