When Can They Obey? How to Teach Them?

mimivan

Mon, Sep 17 2007, 12:40 am

At what age/stage should a child be expected to obey a command? As soon as they understand speech? What are some good ways of encouraging a child to obey? When/how do they grasp the concept of Kibbud Av vEm?

I am having trouble with my oldest ds because he had a severe communication delay and could not understand well enough to obey anything well until 3. Now he is difficult in terms of obeying commands (now he understands them, but because he was unable to learn obedience before, he is very willful, as if he had been spoiled) . I wonder what can be done by the age of 4 if this was lacking (not entirely due to our fault) in his chinuch before?

B'h my one year old understands language. I hope iy'h I can get some good advice so I can get it right also with younger ds early!

zeldy

Mon, Sep 17 2007, 2:13 am

Quote:

I wonder what can be done by the age of 4 if this was lacking (not entirely due to our fault) in his chinuch before?

B'h my one year old understands language. I hope iy'h I can get some good advice so I can get it right also with younger ds early!

I think most kids learn to obey gradually between 15 mos- 24 mos. By about 24 months children have the general idea that following directions brings praise and good things while willfully not listening gets punishments and time outs.

It is hard to be more specific because we don't know what you are already doing with the four year old. Are you doing 1-2-3? Are you praising for listening right away? Are you using time outs? How consistent are you? Are you also explaining why he can't do whatever it is he wants to do?

With the one year old, I would introduce discipline gradually but not necessarily expect him to obey all the time.

mimivan

Mon, Sep 17 2007, 2:35 am

Zeldy

Quote:

is hard to be more specific because we don't know what you are already doing with the four year old. Are you doing 1-2-3? Are you praising for listening right away? Are you using time outs? How consistent are you? Are you also explaining why he can't do whatever it is he wants to do?

yes, I learned all these things and apply them... the last has been more difficult because his communication delay has made it difficult for him to comprehend things until now. I try to be very consistent. His behavior seems to have been worse since he has started gan (he's in a special gan which is why he's not in cheder). Or maybe he's feeling more independent because he's four?

Perhaps I should start at square one and make sure he has the basic skills.
Perhaps some impatience has crept into my voice and he doesn't want to hear?? Wink

HindaRochel

Mon, Sep 17 2007, 6:47 am

mimivan wrote:

For very young children the trick is to have as few no's as possible, use distraction and try and head them off before they do something wrong. For instance, pick them up and carrying them across the street if they won't hold hands or won't stay in the stroller, then put them down and carry on as usual. Give as little attention to "bad" behavior as possible, and give them as little chance to engage in bad behavior as possible.

Fours...well now you can fully explain what is wrong and the consequences for misbehavior. But again, it is best to pay as little attention as possible to bad behavior. That doesn't mean to ignore it, but stop it and then go on, even if they are upset or whatever. For example, not coming in when told. Pick the child up and bring him in, and close and lock the door. If necessary get a lock he can't open. You shouldn't have to explain more than once, twice at the most, what the rules are (It is important for you to come in when I tell you to. If you don't then I will carry you in and the next day you won't be allowed out unless I'm outside with you/ out at all etc.) Unless the excuse for not coming in is really good and something the child couldn't help (another child was holding on to him or whatever) then ignore and don't respond to crying, begging, pleading etc.

happymom

Mon, Sep 17 2007, 11:45 am

what are some examples?

firstly, there are many things you can get them to do without them even knowing they are "listening to you? for example, if they are thrwoing the ball in the kitchen, and ud rather them bounce it in the playroom, just say, lets see how knows how to bounce the ball in the playroom (there is no room there for a NO...)

if you need them to do something and u know they dont want to, like " time to brush our teeth..." you can say, lets have a race and see who can get to the bathroom first!

the point is getting them to do what they must, not to SHOW them whos in charge. when thats the point, I think its a power struggle and everythings a fight.

there are times however when thye must listen because u said so, and thats something they need to learn toi. I tell my two year old how proud hashem will be if she listens and does (xyz, it has to be VERY specific) and we have a mitzvah tree hanging so sometimes when I see its hard for her to listen, I tell her what a big mitzvah it would be EVEn though she doesnt want to, and then we can sing the mitzvah song and hang a mitzvah not on her tree.....

basically it has to be very positive, and the kid has to feel like he has some decisions. for example if you want them to sit when they are eating, instead of telling them a million times to sit, just say, do you want to eat that... so please sit. if they dont, tell them there are two choices here.

1) you sit and eat that or

2) you stand and ill take it away.... its your choice (that REALLY HELPS! they love choosing.. and when they choose the right thing, make a BIG deal and give them a huge kiss Wink

for babies.. they dont follow comands, and if they would they wouldnt be normal babies... one year olds just say no to everything and they dont listen... its better at that age to put up gates where u dont want them to be, baby proof your house, and diver thier attention when they want something they shouldnt have...

for hitting and pushing mothers should be wathing at all times, to make sure no one gets hurt, and to gently SHOW the babies what to do when we want something, like say "mama" and point, etc... cuz hititng makes booboos etc.....

kids understand and can learn alot more then what we even know.

they MAIN thing is, that no matter what we tell our kids they learn from example. so if a mother yells, they cant expect thier kid not to yell! so if a child yells and the mother wants to teach them to speak nicely, the mother must learn to speak softly first otherwise it will go in one ear out the other...