Attached parenting/sending out child for first time

amother

Red

Sun, Oct 14 2018, 12:03 am

I leave my kid in school for a couple of hours a day until he has entirely stopped crying. Then I lengthen the hours.

And yes, I call after an hour to see if he's still crying. Not because I am worrying, but rather because I need to know how soon to be there to pick him up. One of my kids cried non stop so I left him just an hour a day until he got used to it.

It's hard for the kid and the mother when the kid cries, but if the mother feels it's the right time to ease him into the separation, then you do it without worrying too much, but you try to make it as easy as possible for the kid.

amother

Sapphire

Sun, Oct 14 2018, 12:44 am

Op, thank you for your post and I wish you lots of hatzlacha with the transition. I am currently trying to figure out the best place to to put my youngest who I know will have an extremely difficult transitioning period.

To amother jetblack, I think it’s time you left the chinuch field- seems that it’s gotten to you. Yes, there are some mothers who are overprotective, but there are some parents who simply have a different parenting style than you prefer and there are other parents who have had to change their “traditional” parenting style to a warmer atached parenting style because of their child’s personality.

Your post is reprehensible. This is the first time I am ever posting something like this, but the tone of your post left a strong enough impression that I felt I must voice my opinion.

You’re so proud of your policy? Why did you post anonymously? Why not share with all of us the name of your group? Embarrassed?

You say you’re fed up with the parents? There is no way your disgust with the parents does not come across to the children in your care.
Do all the kinderlach a favor and retire.

Op, I’m sorry for going off on a tangent. But it’s people like this director that cause even more parents to adopt the attached parenting style.

amother

Mistyrose

Sun, Oct 14 2018, 1:49 am

Are you sure he'd keep crying after you left? I'm a teacher and we have a couple of kids like that and they seriously stop after a few minutes. We learn within the first few days what it is that helps comfort them or calm them or distract them (reading to them, just holding them, talking to them/trying to make them laugh, one brings a teddy bear to hold on to, etc...). And the kids are mostly fine the whole entire day, it's just those first few minutes.
What do the teachers say about how he is the rest of the day?

Or maybe like someone else suggested he needs a different school?

chani8

Sun, Oct 14 2018, 4:18 am

I am also an attachment style parent, though my bio kids are adults now.

Why do you think it's about confidence that your child wont go play? Attachment parenting inherently builds confidence and fosters independence.

Yet he is clinging to you. Do you detect any issues with his development? Is his speech normal for a 3 year old? How do you know he's not ready to potty train? Speech issues and lack of potty training often go hand in hand.

Might he be sensory overloaded by the gan? Is his personality that of an introvert? Does he even like kids and like action and an exciting environment? Perhaps gan is not be ideal, and he may do better with a private babysitter.

If you think he'd eventually love gan, then the way it works with a clingy child is that you have to sit there every day for a week or two, for an hour or so (however long the ganenet allows) every day, until the child shows that he is comfortable enough that you can leave.

amother

Mint

Sun, Oct 14 2018, 8:10 am

I don't practice attachment parenting per say but I hate leaving my kids crying and they do stay home with me the first few years. One of my children had a lot of delays and ened up in a public school preschool for service. She needed me to do the morning rutine with her and would let me know when I can go but it was like only 20-30 min and she never cried Bec of that. I ended up putting her on the bus so she didn't have that actually transition of leaving me. My youngest was so attached to me it was crazy insane she started school at 3 we talked a lot in advance about it and watched videos and would sing a song, grown ups come back from the video. She actually did amazing no crying but my dh dropped her off not me that might of helped. As a morah I see sometimes it's harder in the kid if mom comes in and stays I always say I am the parent who I hate lol but usually really the child stops and plays pretty quickly, and I will send pictures to show that. some kids do need there mom's to come in a minute if they do best is do help them transition by going together to put the backpack away and to sit down with them to start playing say hello to their friend that I find when parents do can help rather then huddle on the side saying I live you don't cry and things like that .

amother

White

Sun, Oct 14 2018, 11:22 am

As a parent, I have totally been that mother who won't leave until her kid is happy.

Then I started teaching preschool, and I can tell you unequivocally that staying with your child ALWAYS makes things worse. The message you're giving your child is this is scary, Mommy doesn't feel comfortable leaving you here, you won't be ok without Mommy.

Big hug, kiss, cheery goodbye, and LEAVE! He will cry, and the teachers will comfort him and build his trust in them. And once he trusts them, he will be fine. You have to let them develop a relationship.

amother

Bisque

Sun, Oct 14 2018, 11:30 am

amother wrote:

Then I started teaching preschool, and I can tell you unequivocally that staying with your child ALWAYS makes things worse.

Always? Really? You can’t think of even one child who needed more time to adjust and having a mother there helped that happen?
Not even one kid who was so terrified and panicked and screaming that you thought the mother should have stayed a little longer?

Rachel Shira

Sun, Oct 14 2018, 11:38 am

amother wrote:

I’m a different poster, also a preschool teacher. I’m sure I could wrack my brain and think of a few like you describe but honestly, every child that’s coming to mind was better off because the parent left pretty soon. Some stayed a few minutes, like for circle time, but then they left with my encouragement even if the kid wasn’t perfectly happy. 99% of the time they calm down after less than 5 minutes, and as the previous poster said, it builds their relationship with the teacher when they see that they can calm down with her and have a fun time. I am always able to honestly tell the parents that they calmed down right away and had a wonderful day.

I’m not saying that some children really don’t need a bit more parental handholding, and there’s nothing wrong with that at all, but I think sometimes parents underestimate how well their children can adjust to situations without them.

amother

White

Sun, Oct 14 2018, 11:58 am

amother wrote:

Nope. It never helped. The child started crying again, even harder, when the mom or dad finally left.

Shopmiami49

Sun, Oct 14 2018, 12:19 pm

amother wrote:

Nope. It never helped. The child started crying again, even harder, when the mom or dad finally left.

I agree with this. I teach Nursery (3 yr olds) for several years now, most of them when it is their first year in a school setting, and have never found a parent staying to be helpful to the child in any way. Sure, it keeps the child calmer for the tine being, but when the parent leaves, the child is much more hysterical.

That being said, it is crucial for the child to attend our orientation, where he gets one on one attention with the teacher and his mother being there. We show the child around the room and where his cubby, chair, etc. are. We then walk then through the morning routine of hanging up their backpack, washing hands, and putting their picture on our good morning chart. The child then sits and colors or plays with toys in the room while his mother is there in sight. Sometimes the next parent and child will overlap at the very end and that is ok too - both children see that there are other children in the class.

When they attend the orientation with their parent, this is the transitional piece that they need in order to succeed and be ok when their parent drops them off the next day. The child learns that school is a safe environment because he saw it, experienced a taste of it, his mother was ok with it, too, and although he may cry tears of sadness and maybe even fear when she leaves on the first day, he will quickly be reminded that school is ok and that he will see his mother soon.

flowerpower

Sun, Oct 14 2018, 12:57 pm

What I did with my son is drop him off for a half hour a day, then an hour... until he seemed ready. Staying with the child always makes it worse. I saw it from experience.

pond user

Sun, Oct 14 2018, 4:34 pm

amother wrote:

Nope. It never helped. The child started crying again, even harder, when the mom or dad finally left.

I tend to disagree. I see it more as a short route to a long road, or a long route to a short road. Which do you prefer?

In other words, yes the child stops crying much sooner when left quickly by the parent. But their long term trust towards their parents and caregivers is much more shaky and unstable if inside they are nervous and unhappy. Whereas those who take the time to transition their child, the child may end up crying longer for today (in my opinion I'd give it 5-10 minutes of cuddles from staff and then call the parent back if he hasn't settled), but feeling more secure in their future that their parents are never far away. Its what we call a secure base. Children will feel more free to explore their world independently when they can rely on a secure base.

For the teacher? I'd agree, it's easier to hold by the first option. As a parent though, who wants to install life-long stability in their child, I'd suggest the second option.

We like to believe that it's 'normal' to drop off young children at day-care settings and leave them in the hands of capable strangers, but in reality, and throughout human history, this is not the case (there are still plenty of countries who do not allow children to start school or day-care before aged 6/7, or when their adult teeth start to grow). Yes, we have to most of the time conform to what has become societies 'normal', but if you are able to keep your child closer for longer, or make as lengthy a transition as needed, I say go for it! Don't let a school hold you back or squash your instinct.

And to the poster who's frustrated at the parents, it strikes me that you hold such an unhealthy view on those who are raising the very children entrusted into your care. As a kindergarten provider for over a decade, I can't imagine I'd offer parents only timed calls. They are leaving me with their diamonds, and I should be frustrated when they check up on their child? On the contrary. I'd be frustrated if they didn't care.

I hold completely opposite views to you. Parents of young children should be able to call AND be placated whenever necessary throughout the day. Maybe if you'd spare more time reassuring them that their child is doing well, (dropping them an email from time to time with a picture of their happy child etc comes to mind) by the end of the first month they won't feel the need to call you.

I'm sorry for such a drawn out opinion here, but for anyone dealing with young children in education, it really pays to be honest with parents. Either way they will know if their child has had a good day, so if they're struggling, drop the parents a call and ask if they have any suggestions to help their child through a rough period. Failing that, ask them if they're happy to collect their child early. Build a trusting relationship with them and you won't be disappointed.

P.S. I ask every single parent of a new child to be ready to collect their child at the drop of a hat for at least 2 weeks. Sometimes kids are totally fine and never look back. Sometimes those 2 weeks are still not enough. Children are all individuals and so are their parents. It doesn't cost anything to be kind and sensitive.