How should we have handled this? Difficult morning

amother

Natural

Tue, Nov 06 2018, 9:50 am

Sorry this is so long but I'm desperate for advice:

My son is in first grade, and like many kids, has a little trouble being ready for the bus on time. He is still young, so of course we gently nudge him and remind him to help keep him on track.

The system we stick to is that he should be dressed and ready for breakfast by 7:40. That gives him enough time to eat breakfast, brush his teeth, get his coat on and get to the bus stop. Sometimes he does it all on his own, but usually I have to remind him when it's getting close to 7:40 to get moving.

This morning, I reminded him several times, but by 7:40 he was still in pajamas playing with his little brother. I reminded him again more urgently, and let him know that the delay would cut into his breakfast time. It all went downhill from there. He continued to dawdle and my husband got frustrated. Eventually there were 5 minutes to go until he had to be at the bus (not enough time to eat) so my husband said he'd have to have some cereal in a bag to eat on the bus. My son got upset saying he wanted a full breakfast (he normally has some yogurt, fruit, maybe a waffle, some cereal- he eats a big breakfast) but my husband explained that because he ignored our reminders, we didn't have time to give him all of that. He kicked off his shoe, refused to get his coat on, my husband wound up raising his voice which of course didn't help. Then DH starts adding on consequences, trying to motivate him to get going (DS did NOT like that)- we confiscated a birthday present, took away another treat, and of course at that point DS is throwing a fit. I can see that this isn't working but don't know what else to do.

In the end he refused to get on the bus so I had to drive him, making me late for work. Oh and he didn't even get cereal because we were so busy trying to get him on the bus no one had even a second to pour some cheerios into a ziploc. DH is super mad but also upset at how he handled it, but neither of us know what we should have done differently.

I think that going forward we should have him be ready earlier, so that we have more of a buffer. But besides that, how do we get him on track while avoiding the power struggle which ends up being a lose-lose situation for everyone? I want to keep the morning positive, but at the same time he has to learn that there are consequences for ignoring deadlines, no? I hate that he went off the school hungry and upset, but I also don't want to baby him. He knows the system, he didn't stick to it, but I don't know how to handle it.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

amother

Natural

Tue, Nov 06 2018, 10:15 am

amother wrote:

Why don't you sit down with your son and discuss with him what would be helpful to him to motivate him to get ready on time? This way, you can understand where he is coming from and he is part of the planning process for the future.

Also, in general, piling on threats will not be helpful when a child is dysregulated. He first needs help to calm and self regulate before he can do what you ask him to do.

RE the bolded, I definitely agree. I think it reached a point where DS could not possibly snap himself out of the tantrum, and more threats were just fuel on the fire. DH was just doing it because he didn't know what else to do, and we were on a time crunch so there was no time to think. But I want to have a plan of action going forward so we don't get into this situation in the future.

I have a few ideas for how to motivate him, but I'm more curious what others do when none of those work and you have to use tough love but don't want to instigate a tantrum

amother

Seashell

Tue, Nov 06 2018, 10:50 am

The child is only in first grade, I never make my first graders must dress themselves. They like to dress themselves but if I see its getting late, I dress them. I prepare their clothing at night & they have till a certain time to get themselves dressed. For a first grade kid it's the parents responsibility to make the bus on time, not the kids.
When a child misbehaves in the morning, I deal with it when they get home from school. I don't want my kid going to school mad or being yelled at before going to school. I try to stay very calm in the morning even if the kids misbehave.

mha3484

Tue, Nov 06 2018, 11:09 am

What time do you wake him in the morning? I find that my 8 year old in second grade needs at least an hour and the bus stop is extremely close to my house so we can make a run for it if we have to. He is up at 7, usually I give him 10 minutes to chill I help him find clothes if he needs. Some mornings I sit with him while he gets dressed if he wants others he wants privacy. I nudge him a lot. He also dawdles usually he reads. He can make himself a hot drink if he gets dressed fast enough. If he can do that without my help I let him add marshmallows.

When he was in 1st grade I found that printed lists of what he needs to do before school, after school and before bed helped him a lot. Now he understands the routine but he still gets distracted.

ShishKabob

Tue, Nov 06 2018, 11:53 am

With a first grader I'm more lenient. They are still very young and it really varies with each child. Some children are very quick, organized and on time. Some are dawdlers and it takes them f-o-r-e-v-v-e-r to get dressed. I try incentives, ex: if you are dressed when the timer rings in 10 minutes, I can make you scrambled eggs with toast and a warm drink. If said child is into a good breakfast it may be a good incentive to hurry up. It really works usually.
If I see that a child is usually ready on time but is schlepping out the time for some reason, I will stop to help them. Sometimes a child needs some help and they are just not in the mood of hurrying up. Sometimes I'll say, if you change your underwear and put on your socks, I'll help you with the pants and shirt, like that type.
If it happens every day you have to decide how to approach it. With my children that made 'shtick' in the morning, I would just decide to help them, it spared me much grief I the morning.
I also feel children should go to school in a good mood and a full stomache.
Whatever you decide you should try to focus on staying calm and not flip out and not yell at the child.
Bhatzlocha!

amother

Natural

Tue, Nov 06 2018, 12:37 pm

mha3484 wrote:

He's up for quite a while, but sometimes I think that makes it worse because he and his brother (they share a room) start playing and get so into it they don't pay attention to the time. By 6:30 - 7ish I'm downstairs so I'm not as aware of what he's up to as I should be so going forward, I'll take everyone's advice and be more hands on with helping him dress and get ready.

Thank you!

Miri7

Tue, Nov 06 2018, 12:49 pm

amother wrote:

In our house, I’d say that you get playtime when you’re dressed, have eaten and are ready to walk out the door to the bus. Otherwise, being up early can then create a sense of extra time that ends up making you late.

amother

Cobalt

Tue, Nov 06 2018, 1:36 pm

I’ve been having this issue with my 2nd grader and recently implemented a system that works really well.
I prepare everything for him the night before: clothing, napsackat the door, snack inside, everything done.
The rule is that he can only play after he’s dressed and done eating. If it takes him longer he’ll have less play time.
I created a chart that breaks the morning routine into specific tasks - wash negel vasser and put it away, get dressed, put pjs in the hamper, brush teeth, eat breakfast, etc. At the end of the week if his chart is complete he gets a reward worth $1-$2. If he missed some tasks his reward is smaller.
So far this is working really well.

Teacher_EW

Tue, Nov 06 2018, 1:56 pm

2 things: first of all, from a teachers perspective, please drop a note or something in his bag, saying he had a tough morning... it makes it easier for us to understand if any behavior comes up in middle of the day

Also, I think you need to establish some preventative strategies and positive reinforcement to eliminate this kind of behavior. As a general rule, threats will only lead to escalation and a power struggle. For example, you can create a visual schedule that lists all the things he has to do when he gets up (nagel vasser, get dressed, eat breakfast, play time, bus time...). You can have layers of motivation built into the schedule. For example, the picture of breakfast can be a preferred breakfast (waffle) with a clock near it that says 7:35, and a bowl of cereal with a clock that says 7:45 or something like that. You can also add a column/feature where he can check off "all by myself" or "with help" to help him be more independent. Kids in first grade love to show how big they are, so getting recognition for doing it "all by myself" can be extremely motivating on it's own. Finally, you can also create a chart in which he earns something (prize, nosh, special time with mommy or totty) after getting outside for the bus on time for a week or two.

Keep pumping the positive, and when he starts to dawdle, just point to the chart/schedule to remind him to keep at it. If he starts to get upset/tantrum, I use a two minute reset (Transforming ththe Difficult Child). I explain to students that they are not being punished, but they are being given a tool to help them calm down. Its basically a grounding time out, where they sit with feet crossed on the floor, or on a chair with feet on the floor, back against the wall, and hands in their lap. They sit this way breathing slowly for a minute or two on a timer. Timer resets if they get up. This helps ground them, calm them down, and prepare them for rational conversation/motivation.

Good luck

R3D

Tue, Nov 06 2018, 2:24 pm

amother wrote:

Right, so thats why I like it rather that they wake up with enough time to just get dressed, eat, and leave no extra time for playing.

Chayalle

Tue, Nov 06 2018, 3:30 pm

It's funny, I remember when my oldest was in the first grade, her friend's mother went to E"Y for a week so the child stayed by us. Her friend got up in the morning, dressed herself, etc....I was still dressing DD every morning. It was a real eye-opener for me, realizing that DD should be nudged toward getting herself dressed in the morning. I do think that not every 6-year-old is ready for this, but it's a transition that should happen at some point. It is possible, though, OP, that your son is not fully ready for this.

I'm much more into positive reinforcement than punishment, though, so when I did try to introduce get-yourself-ready into my morning, I ran a contest for my 2 DD's. They each had an envelope hanging on a bulletin board in the kitchen, and we had these prize tickets (the kind you get at a carnival or auction.) Any morning that they were dressed and brushed their teeth (later on I added making their beds) by 8 a.m. (that's when I needed them ready for breakfast) they got a ticket in their envelope. Whenever they had 10 tickets in their envelopes, we made a trip to our local dollar store where they could pick any prize.

This worked for my girls. Wow, now I remember that I actually did this contest the year I was pg with my little one and really needed them to take care of their own mornings. It worked!