When do kids realize how rich/ poor we are?

keym

Tue, Feb 26 2019, 10:06 am

amother wrote:

No tomatoes from me. I agree. I don’t think I can remember my mother saying “you don’t need that”. She allowed us to spend our own money on (almost) anything.
She did voice her disagreement with designer things (I grew up in the era of Champion sweatshirts. Boy did she have plenty to say about that tiny C on the sweatshirt).
I think it gave me a healthy outlook on money. I’ve done my own nails more than I’ve gotten manicures but I’ve gotten plenty of manicures in my life. I decide when I want to spend the money on that and when I want to use it for something else. But I don’t ever feel guilty for buying something I would like. [at least when I was single and supporting myself.]
Once in a while if one of my kids wants an excessive extra pair of shoes (when he/she has a dozen pairs already) I will say “do you really need that?” But they are allowed to spend their money on almost anything they want too.

But you are talking about parents able to afford basics then. Your parents bought you Target clothes and you chose to upgrade with your own Money.
I take issue with posters who say that telling kids you can't afford something is bad for them. And I'm saying the opposite. It would have been so liberating to be told that my parents couldn't hire that math tutor because they couldn't. When they said that they had money for what was important, it made me feel horrible. I guess me passing math (or whatever non luxury thing) just wasn't important.

southernbubby

Tue, Feb 26 2019, 10:47 am

keym wrote:

I like your position. We often choose what we can afford. The Torah commands us to have children but it is our choice to follow the commandment. The same as our choice to live in an expensive frum community. We afford what is important to us. People who choose smaller families often do so in order to afford tutoring and orthodontics. Some people who did have negative experiences growing up in large families pro-actively limit their family size.
So I very much agree with you that parents are better off saying that they are sorry but they can't afford something that is important to the child. They might also have to decide if something else that they choose to spend money on is of lesser importance than meeting the child's valid needs.

amother

Lilac

Tue, Feb 26 2019, 12:10 pm

amother wrote:

I didnt know till I got married. My parents N.E.V.E.R. talked about money. They didnt waste it on lavish vacations or fancy clothes. They gave (and still give) a ton of tzedaka that we didnt know about. Weddings were nice- not fancy. My parents drive Hondas because they were having a good deal.
We never felt insecure or that we didnt have any money when all our friends were going on vaca for midwinter or pesach or succos. We never felt "under privilaged" because my parents wouldn't take us out to eat in fancy restaurants or buy us the most expensive shabbos outfit.
Little did we know, we had more money than any of my friends families will ever have.

That's really nice! But if a family is very poor very hard to hide that