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Forum
-> Yom Tov / Holidays
-> Shabbos, Rosh Chodesh, Fast Days, and other Days of Note
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amother
Seagreen
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 Sun, Jul 21 2019, 6:34 pm
they are not being clueless
either you can tell them upfront what the deal is, or if you are having to leave the meal in the middle and your husband is not comfortable then having them there then it seems this is not the time for you to be hosting
are the other guests single men? or just your family?
because if they are couples then it is odd to have only the single females leave; however, as much as you might want to help perhaps you are not in the best position to do so at this time.
you can't have guests come and then expect them to leave in the middle of a meal.
refueh shleimah
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amother
OP
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Sun, Jul 21 2019, 6:35 pm
| amother [ Aquamarine ] wrote: | | It depends on your relationship with these women and how close you are. Just tell them what the score is ahead of time. |
I would like to do this. But wouldn't their feelings get hurt? Also, DH comes across as warm. It's hard to tell guests he is uncomfortable with them.
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amother
Seagreen
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Sun, Jul 21 2019, 6:38 pm
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its nice that you want to help; however, speaking for myself and others I know I do not think I would want to be a guest at a meal where I was not really wanted
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dancingqueen
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Sun, Jul 21 2019, 6:40 pm
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So there are other guest there who are married and dh wants to stay and hang out with them, but the single women to go when you do? It sounds like you just have to tell them your house rule but it’s kind of awkward to explain.
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amother
Maroon
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Sun, Jul 21 2019, 6:41 pm
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Agree. For people who really need an invitation it's no fun to feel that you are an imposition.
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amother
Bisque
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Sun, Jul 21 2019, 6:44 pm
If you make it to benching then the meal is over. At that point once everyone is done bentching , you and your husband both stand up and your husband says thank you so much for cooking the meal, everything was delicious, sort of gives a little stretch ...you also stand up. at this point a tactful guest will usually start helping clear the table, you wave them away and say no no just leave it thanks we're good, I have a cleaning lady coming later (doesnt have to be true) she'll take care of it.. thank so much for coming it was so nice having you, let me get your coat(if winter) oh gosh I am so tired, these late late shabbosim are such a killer I cant wait till early shabbosim again (if summer) you walk and talk on your way to the door, usually a few more min of chit chat and then everyone leaves.. amid thank you's etc..
afterwards your husband can go back to the table and continue to hang out with your family r learn etc...
There is an art to tactfully ushering guests out the door. but this is with the understanding that the meal is over and all guests are leaving. Usually all guests leave at the same time.
If you want the women guests to leave and the men guests to stay then that would be special circumstances that requires simply being upfront and honest ahead of time. "Id love to have you but once the meal is over and everyone has bentched I really need to get to bed or otherwise I just cant function so would it be ok if I cut things short once we've all bentched ? My husband likes to stay and socialize with his guy friends afterwards but I just cant keep my eyes open so usually our women gusts leave right after bentching. if thats ok with you id love to have you for the meal."
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amother
Pumpkin
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Sun, Jul 21 2019, 6:46 pm
| amother [ OP ] wrote: | I love cooking and hosting. I don't know a nice way to tell guests it is time to leave the table. My health isn't the best, and I need my rest. I can't stay up all hours of the night entertaining. DH doesn't want to be at the table with female guests without me there.
I get calls from single women wanting to come for Shabbos, and I don't know how to handle this. All my guests know my health is poor. I try hinting that I am need to go to sleep. I end up telling them they can't come, and then I feel bad.
Is there a polite way of telling guests they need to leave the table when I need to leave the table? Is it better just to avoid having single females? |
Your health comes first. Don't have guests that you need to entertain and your husband doesn't feel comfortable taking over.
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amother
Fuchsia
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Sun, Jul 21 2019, 6:48 pm
| amother [ OP ] wrote: | | How to I get them to stand up and walk out with me? |
I can't imagine that they will just sit there and stare at you standing at an open door.
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amother
Maroon
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Sun, Jul 21 2019, 6:51 pm
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Exactly what bisque said. Especially if both you and your husband stand up.
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amother
Bisque
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Sun, Jul 21 2019, 6:52 pm
| dancingqueen wrote: | | So there are other guest there who are married and dh wants to stay and hang out with them, but the single women to go when you do? It sounds like you just have to tell them your house rule but it’s kind of awkward to explain. |
If there are married couples as guests there, in addition to the single females that means there are wives there no? Why cant the wives of the married guests chat with the single females?
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amother
OP
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Sun, Jul 21 2019, 7:02 pm
| amother [ Bisque ] wrote: | If you make it to benching then the meal is over. At that point once everyone is done bentching , you and your husband both stand up and your husband says thank you so much for cooking the meal, everything was delicious, sort of gives a little stretch ...you also stand up. at this point a tactful guest will usually start helping clear the table, you wave them away and say no no just leave it thanks we're good, I have a cleaning lady coming later (doesnt have to be true) she'll take care of it.. thank so much for coming it was so nice having you, let me get your coat(if winter) oh gosh I am so tired, these late late shabbosim are such a killer I cant wait till early shabbosim again (if summer) you walk and talk on your way to the door, usually a few more min of chit chat and then everyone leaves.. amid thank you's etc..
afterwards your husband can go back to the table and continue to hang out with your family r learn etc...
There is an art to tactfully ushering guests out the door. but this is with the understanding that the meal is over and all guests are leaving. Usually all guests leave at the same time.
If you want the women guests to leave and the men guests to stay then that would be special circumstances that requires simply being upfront and honest ahead of time. "Id love to have you but once the meal is over and everyone has bentched I really need to get to bed or otherwise I just cant function so would it be ok if I cut things short once we've all bentched ? My husband likes to stay and socialize with his guy friends afterwards but I just cant keep my eyes open so usually our women gusts leave right after bentching. if thats ok with you id love to have you for the meal." |
DH won't go for this act. It's too contrived. Besides we have an open floor plan, and this won't work. We can't get them to get up from the couches in the dining room. What do you say to them when they say they want to read?
The females are the ones calling and asking to come, so I know they really want to be here. I don't think there is a way to let them come. Now, I need a polite way to tell them no.
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amother
OP
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Sun, Jul 21 2019, 7:06 pm
| amother [ Bisque ] wrote: | | If there are married couples as guests there, in addition to the single females that means there are wives there no? Why cant the wives of the married guests chat with the single females? |
There isn't the same problem when we invite a married couple without kids.
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dancingqueen
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Sun, Jul 21 2019, 7:09 pm
| amother [ Bisque ] wrote: | | If there are married couples as guests there, in addition to the single females that means there are wives there no? Why cant the wives of the married guests chat with the single females? |
In my world that would be totally fine but op may be from a different community where that is not accepted? I also don’t 100% get it unless all the other remaining guests are male.
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amother
Royalblue
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Sun, Jul 21 2019, 7:15 pm
Simple- you say the truth. “I am not up to hosting these days.” But that should include male guests too.
Perhaps you can help make arrangements with other hosts.
If your health is an issue then you should not be hosting.
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amother
Maroon
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Sun, Jul 21 2019, 7:24 pm
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What bisque described is not contrived, that's just normal social cues...how do you know your husband won't play along...for that matter, how does he get "rid" of the male guests or married couples.....
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amother
Oak
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Sun, Jul 21 2019, 7:25 pm
OP - if there is a chance you won’t make it to the end of the meal - you can’t accept these ladies as guests.
Can you find someone else looking to expand their table to these women?
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flmommy
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Sun, Jul 21 2019, 7:27 pm
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When I was ready for bed and still had guests (granted the meal and benching are over) I would simply stand up and yawn and say I’m really sorry but I’m exhausted and need to go to bed. Hate to break up the party but I’m sure you understand.
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amother
OP
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Sun, Jul 21 2019, 7:40 pm
| amother [ Royalblue ] wrote: | Simple- you say the truth. “I am not up to hosting these days.” But that should include male guests too.
Perhaps you can help make arrangements with other hosts.
If your health is an issue then you should not be hosting. |
Why does it have to include make guests? DH suffers a lot because of my health issues. He enjoys guests. Does it make any sense to bar everyone?
I am great in the mornings. It's Friday night that's the big issue. I love to cook.
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amother
Bisque
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Sun, Jul 21 2019, 7:41 pm
| amother [ OP ] wrote: | DH won't go for this act. It's too contrived. Besides we have an open floor plan, and this won't work. We can't get them to get up from the couches in the dining room. What do you say to them when they say they want to read?
The females are the ones calling and asking to come, so I know they really want to be here. I don't think there is a way to let them come. Now, I need a polite way to tell them no. |
why are they on the couches? At the meal, you sit at a table, after bentching you escort to the door before anyone hits a couch.
your very hung up on the fact that the single females are the ones calling and asking to come- that they want to be there etc.. , you've mentioned it in almost every post. does it matter if you called to invite them or they called to ask to come? do you even want them there? Sounds like you dont even want them to come in the first place.
sounds like the issue isnt about your husband entertaining the guests. its a whole diff issue.
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amother
Bisque
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Sun, Jul 21 2019, 7:44 pm
| amother [ OP ] wrote: | | There isn't the same problem when we invite a married couple without kids. |
what IS the problem exactly? Maybe you should clarify. Because if you invite a married couple to come and you leave the table and now its just your husband and them 2, a husband a wife- that sounds pretty awkward to me both for your husband and for the wife- why would she want to be there without another female to talk to. yet you say there isnt "that problem." so what is the problem?
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