Do you FEEL like a single mom?

amother

Wine

Sun, Sep 01 2019, 3:59 pm

Look when people are single, this is their reality. Its very hard, but it sometimes up to their own moods to set the tone in the home. It's sometimes their own decisions that they make.
Being in a marriage, where one's mood is being pulled in all directions by the other one, it's harder to be happy, or being degraded in front of kids or husband not pulling his weight, or being sensitive or filling ones needs/expectations makes for dissapointment.

If you technically have a husband but emotionally he is not there or making your life miserable it is very isolating. You can't even talk about it to anyone irl.

I know someone who was single for many years but was always so happy the moment she got married, same person would be sometimes miserable or sensitive when husband, wasn't filling her needs. She was independent till then. This is how it is, the moment, there is another person there, you don't want to feel like you are doing it all alone.

Ask people who got divorced if they are happier single or when married & felt lonely.

amother

Blue

Sun, Sep 01 2019, 4:36 pm

I actually prefer when dh works longer hours. When I’m home by myself, everything runs more smoothly. The kids go to bed on time, eat healthier foods, and do their homework. Everything is a lot calmer and easier, and there is less arguing. When dh is home, everything is more chaotic and nobody listens. The weekends are the most difficult.

amother

Scarlet

Sun, Sep 01 2019, 4:49 pm

I am just divorced, was separated for quite a while.
There is nothing worse imo than living with someone who is emotionally MIA or worse, abusive so you have to keep your distance.
Divorce is a nightmare but I feel worse for people who are stuck in lonely marriages.
Being out late working is a different story.

PinkFridge

Sun, Sep 01 2019, 7:00 pm

I'm reading amothers jade and scarlet and this is what I'm trying to get at. People can tap into their own experiences to have empathy for others who are going through something similar. Not identical, maybe distantly similar, but enough for them to have empathy.

We need this in klal Yisrael. We also daven for yeshuos and nechamos for all who need, and for menucha and simcha at every point in their lives.

amother

Honeydew

Sun, Sep 01 2019, 7:14 pm

amother [ Ecru ] wrote:

A woman with a husband not home is not a single mother. It's insulting to say you feel like a single mother to all the single mothers. Your DH is out earning your support. Single moms don't have this. They don't have your safety net. They don't have anyone to share the emotional burden of raising kids.

Ur wrong.some married women are just as lonely as single moms
My husband “provides” but either doesn’t make enough or squanders it so I don’t have what I or kids need. My wallet is empty. I’m pregnant and all I ate today was farina and cereal and felafel balls. No bread or eggs in house cuz he only shops once a week and I don’t have cash(cc r maxed out) or food stamps card so I don’t go to the grocery (I’m currently in college working towards a degree so I can make a better life for me n kids eventually)
Regarding emotional support for kids, yes he’s home at night but we don’t have a emotional connection. He’s an anxious guy who gets nervous with kids often and his phone is more important than me. Sports, news, movies..you name it. I go to bed alone every night. Relations? Rarely. A hug or kiss? Nah. There’s some mild physical abuse happening as well
So, sometimes I consider myself a single mom. I empathize with single moms and feel their pain. I know it’s probably my future too. You just can’t judge behind a married couples door, especially since it’s usually kept auiet

amother

Honeydew

Sun, Sep 01 2019, 7:19 pm

amother [ Scarlet ] wrote:

Firstly hugs to your situation!!!
How did you have the courage to leave? I’m afraid to take that step. as I mentioned in previous post there’s rare emotional or physical intimacy. husband in his own world and expects the answers/help to just FALL into his lap. I’m currently pregnant after deciding to stay but it got worse! There’s mild abuse, usually emotional but twice was s-xual/physical. I cry a lot out of deep pain and loneliness. No one knows. Ppl think I have it all

amother

Taupe

Sun, Sep 01 2019, 7:56 pm

amother [ Emerald ] wrote:

There are times I feel like a single Mom.
But it has nothing to do with my husband's physical presence at home.
He suffers from depression and anxiety. He still is able to pull a paycheck by working long hours doing more menial work.
What makes me feel like a single mom is that everything is on my shoulder. All scheduling, appts, discipline, therapies, teachers meeting, financial arrangements, etc.
He is not capable physically or emotionally of taking responsibility or initiative for anything.
He clocks in and out, and presents me with a weekly paycheck that is nowhere sufficient for our needs so I have to work almost full time.

So yeah, I do feel like a single Mom when things are rough. Not to minimize the amazing work of a divorced or widowed woman. But loneliness comes in many forms.

I'm exactly like this. I can't rely on my dh for anything. It's not like a marriage. There's no team effort and no shared responsibility. Everything is on me and I can't rely on my dh emotionally or financially. Its a facade to the world. I'm overwhelmed n would rather be dead than deal with all the hardships in my life especially the ppl who put me down. I have nobody to bring me up, and I just need to put on a fake smile and "get to work".

Eta: And, women whose dhs are gone all week bec they are working is different in 2 ways: 1) whether they earn enough or not, they are showing a team effort by doing their best to provide financially (not all dhs do this)
2) when they are home, even a short time, if they are there for the wife emotionally....that's different than dhs who are living for "themselves" and are not emotionally present for their wives at all.

amother

Violet

Sun, Sep 01 2019, 10:42 pm

amother [ Scarlet ] wrote:

Exactly, the first few years of marriage I FELT like a single mom. I did the housework, took care of the kids 95% of the time, brought in the income. And put up with a difficult and emotionally detached spouse.

Now I AM a single mom, and yes there are challenges of never having an extra hand avail, but it's so much more managable to parent the way I see fit without being criticized, not be put down for my housework, not have to.protect the kids from unhealthy behaviors.

Neither situation is easy

But having a wonderful and emtionally supportive husband working out of the house many long hours doesn't really compare to being in a bad marriage and raising kids alone or really being a single mom. Can't be easy either, though.

Good thing Gd knows what He is doing when he gives us our life package

mommy3b2c

Sun, Sep 01 2019, 11:14 pm

amother [ Magenta ] wrote:

GROOOAAANNNN.
I hate when people tell me that!
My husband is a 2nd year law student. His hours last year we crazy- he was out of the house from 6:30am till about 10pm, and some days 11pm. Now, I naturally am a very happy and optimistic person. His schedule didn't bother me in THE SLIGHTEST. Yes, I am a full time employee (40 hr work week). Yes, we have a toddler to take care of, and I am expecting #2, iy"h. No, I don't have cleaning help or any family anywhere nearby.
But I never once complained about it or dreaded anything! There are so many positives! The biggest positive: after my kiddo goes to sleep, I have plenty of time to relax, clean, cook, work out, shop online.... before hubby comes home. It's great!
And then there are those negative storm clouds that keep telling me "aw I feel so bad for you!" And "you must feel like a single mom" and "dont you miss him?" And "that's sooooo hard I can never imagine doing that".
Um hello if you're trying to make me feel good, you're wasting your time! You're actually putting negative thoughts and feelings into my head. So go away. And dont let you husband go to law school k bye

I can relate. People always make comments to me like that because my husband works 12-15 hours a day and goes out of town all the time. People ask me “how do you let him?”

LET HIM???! HES WORKING HIS A SS OFF for me and my children!!! Banging head

PinkFridge

Mon, Sep 02 2019, 8:42 am

amother [ Honeydew ] wrote:

Honeydew, big, big hugs. I am amazed at your strength and wish you well.
If you haven't already, please call Shalom Task Force to work out a plan beyond what you're doing already. You're working on a longer term basis, and I think you might do well with some more immediate changes, but I would never presume to tell you for sure. Hatzlacha!

urban gypsy

Mon, Sep 02 2019, 1:22 pm

If your husband is making you feel like a single mom, leave him and show him how it feels to be a single dad. I was absolutely a single mom in every way when I was married, including working full time to support him through school. Now that I’m getting divorced, he has to take care of his kids half the time. What a concept! It’s hard in many ways but now things are infinitely better for me, and infinitely worse for him. “The arc of history is long but it bends towards justice”

amother

Coral

Mon, Sep 02 2019, 4:50 pm

amother [ Ecru ] wrote:

I disagree with you completely. One of my sisters is basically a single mom even though she's married. Her husband is practically never home, doesn't have a job (kollel for the past 14 years), doesn't help when he's home. He's a burden, not a safety net. Actually a single mom is probably better off not having to listen to her husband criticizing her when he's finally home and also she'd doesn't have the burden of feeding him and paying for his clothes etc.
So no, it's not insulting. It's the truth.

amother

Cyan

Mon, Sep 02 2019, 6:25 pm

Honeydew, I'm reading your post. Is he controlling/abusive with money matters as well? Does he not allow you to use the food stamps card? This sounds pretty serious.

("My wallet is empty. I’m pregnant and all I ate today was farina and cereal and felafel balls. No bread or eggs in house cuz he only shops once a week and I don’t have cash(cc r maxed out) or food stamps card so I don’t go to the grocery ".)